Tao of Té Update

Tired

 

Wow, you all get a two for one special this week on Blogs in my Tao of Té series. It really isn't all that spectacular. More like a physical, emotional and mental update. You see…I love and loathe this time of year. And this last year, especially the last 13 months has been incredibly difficult for me.

So let's recap this year:

·         Dad passed away on 11/8/12

·         Hysterectomy and accompanying menopause (that is fantastic and I mean that with all sarcasm. Feeling like you are burning up from the inside is not fun and also feeling as if you are far older than you really are is totally awesome. Read sarcasm for all of that)

·         Back Injury that results in three surgeries

·         Let go from a job I absolutely loved and the people I truly liked being around, some of which now treat me like a pariah for no fucking reason other than they have turned out to be dbags. There are still some great ones that I communicate with often and they know who they are. The others who have chosen to act like I never existed or they ever pretended to be my friend should know that my favorite phrase is GFY. Yep. Truly.

·         Grandmother passed away 12/11/13

That's quite a lot in one year. Granted there have been some incredibly awesome moments such as when my mother came to visit, when one of my best friend's Angie came to visit on a spur of the moment which made my week and of course when I finally started and finished the first rough draft of my novel.

It's been a hard year. Some days seem harder than others. Especially being trapped at home and constantly dealing with back pain that I never had ever had before the injury in August. It has been a hard adjustment and the sympathy level in my house has plummeted to zero at times. I know it isn't their fault…they forget that I live in constant pain. On a scale from 1-10 I consider a good day to be a 4-5. That is pretty damn bad. Bad days can be 8's. And I'm becoming resigned to always having it.

I'm also being tested daily for patience because my long term disability insurance continues to delay paying me. So we live off of Dave's income which puts a strain on our marriage and our relationship. I feel as if he just is sick and tired of it all. It hurts. It truly hurts when your significant other just doesn't seem to get you anymore and doesn't even seem to care.

It's times like these that I wish my friends lived closer. A phone call often isn't enough. It helps that they are always on my side and two have promised to visit come this summer but that is a long ways away.

The worst part of being in pain and being on pain medications is the stigma. I'm not a pill popper. I don't take the medicine to get high but the world, and doctors, see me that way unless they see my MRI. Then they usually change their tone but eventually they start harping on taking steroid shots and doing PT. Kinda hard to go to PT when you know you are going to be in agony for days after each session. And steroid shots are just a band aid. They make you feel good for a couple of days then it all crashes back down and you also have to contend with massive weight gain. So I'm skipping those.

Another hard thing about pain medication is that it blocks the absorption of other drugs. Meaning my HRT (hormone replacement therapy for menopause) isn't working, my depression and anxiety medicine doesn't work and neither does my insomnia medication. My hair is falling out in clumps and is incredibly thin. I've lived with a very thick head of hair my whole life and now each time I comb it or wash it, it looks like Chewbacca took a bath. NOT fun.

The anxiety is often hard to cope with as well because it impacts the rest of my family. Some days I have a short, short fuse as evident above with my GFY attitude lately. It's just hard to find any happiness these days that lasts long before my anxiety over everything else kicks in. I worry about our bank account, paying bills, my insurance, Dave's job, my best friend backing out of visiting, my daughters and a host of other problems. I worry about not giving my loved ones enough presents and the girls not getting the financial help they want with trying to find a vehicle.

I also suffer being alone all day long which for me is a very bad thing because it makes me isolate myself. You'd think that I would want to be around my family when they get home even more but that isn't how my anxiety works. I get used to being lonely and then hide in my bedroom most of the time just sitting there. I have a brand new book I've been waiting more than a year for and I still have not even cracked the page. I just can't drum up the attention span to read it. I don't watch television or movies with the girls and Dave because I can't sit still or rest in one spot too long.

I struggle each and every day wondering if it is all worth it. I get down and think that if this is all life has to offer then why bother? It isn't fun battling that voice every single day. One disappointment after another racking up against me. I'd give anything to see my family for Christmas but I can't even get my own sister to come visit. I've asked countless times and it is usually ignored. I get that she is busy but it still hurts because I've been back to see my family several times and unfortunately will not be back again for quite some time.

So this Tao of Té isn't fun. It isn't funny. It's real and it is gritty. It isn't pretty but hey…it happens to the best of us at times. We all get down at times and I know I will pick myself back up, dust myself off, rub some dirt on it and then move on. I'll find my happiness again one way or another. I'll master this back thing and I'll guilt trip my friends and family into finally visiting if it takes me pestering them every single day with a text.

Come to think of it…that's a pretty good idea. Now that makes me laugh.