When the Lights Turn Low

I am sitting here just contemplating. I have some major decisions I have to make with my life and I'm not jumping into, or out of them without great thought. You see...I used to be very impulsive. If something was wrong I just bailed or got rid of it rather than repair it. There were some gems thrown away along with the trash.

I'm not the same person as I was 20 years ago. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago and I'm not the person I was 1 year ago. Time and perspective change how you view the past but it is patience and understanding that color the future.

I don't know where my life will take me. I've never been one to think too much into the future. That is probably going to bite me in the ass come retirement but with my student loan and credit card debt I'll have to work until 100 anyway. Maybe I'll be one of those people greeters. Nah. I have little patience  with most people.

My thoughts have turned towards my past. Things that went wrong but turned out very right. People from  my past that were so right that became so wrong. I didn't love myself so I couldn't love anyone else. That's my burden to carry. But regardless of how many times I tell myself I would have gone back and changed things...I wouldn't.

For many years I thought I had made a monumental mistake of leaving a few people. I kept trying to imagine what my life would be like had I stayed. It wouldn't be this and I'm glad I didn't have the power to change the past. The past shaped me. It broke me at times but I grew stronger. I became more confident in myself. I learned what I liked and what I didn't like.

I realized tonight that maybe my friend's list needed some clearing. That maybe the people I once loved and used to be great friends with...simply don't need me. I'm a reminder of a bad time in their lives. And I take 60% responsibility with most of those things. Not all but most.

We all change and grow. We all change and wither on the vine at times. But time always pushes us into the future whether we go kicking and screaming or running for joy. Nothing remains the same and that has been life's hardest lesson for me to grasp, and I'm not quite sure that I've entirely grasped that and maybe that is a personal hang up. I tend to like status quo. I don't rock the boat.

That boat needs to sink sometimes. Sometimes people are just toxic to you in one way or another. And that is okay. If you are okay with that then you do you. If you have people that are simply another number on your friend's list then maybe that is okay too. We don't have to talk to each other every single day because  some friends can go weeks and months without talking and then when they chat again it is like no time every passed. I learned that with a woman I absolutely treasure. I learned that with people I talk to very frequently as well. I want to treasure my friends.

But when the lights turn low and I'm feeling melancholy I look at some of the ex's in my life (spouse, friend etc) that may just need to be let go. It isn't that I don't still have a deep love for them, instead it is more of a cleansing. You can only go so long with no response to anything before you realize that the ship sailed many years ago.

I will not lie. I struggle at times and maybe that is a hoarding thing. I've learned to accept that I am a clothing, makeup, shoe and purse hoarder. It's an issue and one that is soooo hard to break that habit. But I also hoard friends. People that really have no use for me and that is okay. Life takes us all in different directions. I have a great pen pal that I realized I hadn't responded back to an email in ten days. We are kinda like that though.

So with the lights low I need to make decisions and meditate. I need to remove myself from the lives of people where I am the toxic one. I am the one that should have been left long in the past. Maybe this is finally learning a new lesson and knowing that time does not change things. Hurts can be forgiven but the memory remains and it becomes toxic.

So to the people I have hurt in the past...I'm sorry. But the only thing I would change is the pain and the emotional upheaval. We wouldn't be the people we are now had those things not happened. Maybe it is a c'est la vie or Que Sera Sera mentality. All I know is that I treasure the good moments in the past and no matter how much I paint the picture in gold it really is just a coat of paint. Maybe life for us would have been fantastic. Maybe it would be lottery winning epic. Or maybe it is just us at a point in life where we start learning the hardest lessons...time moves on and we have to move with them.  We have to embrace new relationships (friendships, romance, work, hobby and all things in between.

The lights are turned low and maybe things could have been different but I LIKE who I am now. And though I have many years of screw ups ahead of me. Though I will hit rock bottom with depression and anxiety many times....at this moment I am okay. I wish you the best even when I know you'll never read this.