Tao of Té The Necessity of Death and the Pain it Leaves Behind

Tao of Té The Necessity of Death and the Pain it Leaves Behind

 

For a few weeks my friend has been struggling with the knowledge that his father is quickly passing the veil. As the days and hours become closer he grows frustrated that he will not be there physically to comfort his father and the rest of his family. He is a great man who always helps others and it pains me greatly that there is nothing I can do for him besides tell him "I'm sorry. It sucks" and talk to him as much as possible."

Death is the ultimate common denominator in humanity. No matter how rich or poor, when death comes a' knockin' you don't get a choice on opening the door. But the thing about death and losing people you love is that it never gets easier. And as crazy and mean as it sounds…that is a GOOD thing. I never want death to get easier because I want to love that person completely. I don't wish death on anything but it comes, sometimes far too quickly to those that hold our hearts.

So everyone we know will eventually die and we will pass the veil as well. It is a necessity as we give way to someone else's life. It truly is a cycle of life. Currently I've been looking at that circle and how people deal with it. I often have found myself angry and pissed off at people going through things simply because I didn't agree with how they were doing it or expressing themselves regarding the problem. Then I realized that it was not their problem…it was me. I was the one allowing myself to judge their situation because it wasn't different than mine. Only I should be minding my own business and just being there if needed.

Now…a few weeks ago when my friend told me his father was dying, I was pissed that he wasn't camping out at his dad's house and being there. I couldn't believe it. But I was so in the wrong.  I was projecting my own guilt and it was not fair to him or anyone else. I don't know his pain anymore than he knew mind. How he is handling his father's illness is his own. It was guilt that ate at mine. It was the guilt I've assigned myself since my father grew ill and then passed away. There is so much guilt today about not returning to Arkansas more to stay next to his side. Guilt over not talking to him as much as I could. And guilt that I didn't think it was real.

I'm lucky. I have had some great friends that helped me through it all. It doesn't assuage the guilt, only time will do that or it may always a constant companion. But they helped lift the burden in some way. I hope that I can do that with my friend because he deserves having someone to hold out there hand and pulling him up to his feet. He deserves an open eye, ear and arms to hold him when he feels like he is breaking. I wish I could be there, physically, for him. There isn't a lot I can say to him but I can simply be there for him. I'd take his pain away but it is that pain that tells him how much he loves his father. It is the pain that will change his life forever. I can't take it, won't take it but I'll do my best to shoulder as much of it as he lets me. I hope he knows how much he is loved and how many hands and shoulders he has to help him through this.

Namasté

Portlandians and the True Understanding of What it is like here

Portlandians

 

I came to a not so unexpected realization yesterday while driving. I totally get Portlandians (I don't know for sure if that is what people from the Portland metro call themselves but I'm using it.) I get the incessant glorification of the sun after the long, rainy, cold winter. Last year was my first  full year after living in Bend.

Now Bend, Oregon is an experience unto itself. We moved there after a steaming hot summer in Little Rock. We left humidity and heat from hell and found ourselves in the high desert. I was disappointed rolling into Bend. The scenery from Idaho to Bend is desert. I didn't like it and I hadn't visited Bend prior to moving. Dave had and I trusted him. I did have the backup of every movie shot in the Northwest. It is green, huge ferns, towering trees and the unfiltered light that makes producers and directors clamor for filmmaking in the Northwest.

Uh yeah. That really isn't how 90% of Oregon looks like. Most of it is high desert. Dry landscapes, real tumbleweeds and a deficient  quota of rain, Bend especially. Bend receives most of its precipitation in the winter through snow. The entire time I lived there I may have seen 1 storm and only about 5 times a shower. I did, however, experience a type of snow I had never seen before. The days in the summer were glorious at 5,000 feet and the nights were chilly. But I hated not having the rain. I love rain. I love gray days.

So it became a blessing when we moved from Bend to West Linn. Now let me preface something before going on. I had come to Portland several times during the Spring and Summer prior to moving. I loved it. Glorious sunshine, temperate weather and so much green, berries and flowers! Uh yeah. We moved in late August and I was treated to my first taste of the Portland drizzle. Dave had warned me but I didn't believe him because it had never rained on any visit to Portland or the coast!

The Portland drizzle is only slightly less famous than Seattle's never ending drizzle. Portland has a rainy season and believe it or not, it is technically a temperate rainforest. The forest is breathtaking here. The coast is magnificent and on a clear day I get to see the completely snow covered slopes of Mt. Hood. (I was surrounded by magnificent mountains in Bend as well. Bend actually takes top prize for majestic mountains. It was the first time I saw snow in July and August.)

The first year in Portland I cherished the rain. As I mentioned before I love rainy days. I'm just that weird. I have a friend that is the same way. The winter was mild. I did experience frost so thick a person from the South would consider it snow. It rained until April or so and then it cleared up. It didn't rain much the entire summer and in fact we did have a heat wave that lasted two weeks and I had to buy a personal air conditioner. It is pretty unheard of here but two story houses suck when it comes to a single ac/heating unit.

So when fall rolled around last year I was ready for rain. I was ready for the cold weather. But then I got to experience Fall again. It was glorious. A riot of colors. My Japanese red maple stood out amongst the gold's and browns. Winter made her way in and we actually had snow. The rains continued and for the first time in my life I began to crave the sun. We had a mild winter, truth be told and it wasn't until the last two months or so that we had substantial rain.

But I get Portlandians now. My daughter summed it up the other day. She said she took a picture of the sun setting because she was afraid she wouldn't see it again. A sunny day here brings out every one. You see runners, walkers, dogs being led, windows open and people just getting out any way possible. You see people turning their face into the crystal clear sunshine and smiling. You take out a lawn chair and sit down basking in the rays. When the sun sets you mourn a little bit because you don't know if it is going to be gray and rainy the next two weeks.

I get it. I've become a Portlandian. I still love my Portland Drizzle but I cherish the sunny days. They immediately fill me with this all encompassing joy. I feel the magic that is in the air and I begin seeing the flowers blooming in all their glory. I drive past miles of blackberry bushes growing everywhere and I know that in a few months I will be hitting farmers markets, picking berries and soaking up the sun. I'll still love the rainy days but I totally appreciate the sunny ones.

I'm lucky. I live in a place where we have the most glorious seasons imaginable. Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter all offer something unique but more than that I finally get to experience them. In Arkansas you pretty much go from Winter straight into Summer ( and it is usually so hot and muggy that you can't do anything without panting and dripping sweat).

I think often of moving back because Arkansas will always be home to me. I miss my family and friends terribly but it wouldn't be the same as it was before. I've been gone too long. And then the sun pops out and I realize that I was born to live on/near the coast. I may not get to swim without turning blue. I may have to deal with daily drizzle but it makes me appreciate the sun ever so much.

To those looking to move because they feel hot, cold, stifled or just want to embrace a new adventure I say this: MOVE. Never be held down to one place if you don't want to be there. I offer up Portland as your next adventure. As for me…I may wind up on the other coast just to say I've been there. Who knows?

Namasté

Happy Valentine's Day and Don't be a Pissy Pants

Valentine's Day...oh that merciless holiday designed by Hallmark to make every relationship feel as if it is measuring up against some impossible standard. A day that is so swiftly fleeting that you hardly have time to appreciate it or hate it.

So in the past I have loathed this day with an unceasing amount of hatred and disrespect. Yes...a large portion was because I was unhappy and alone. And then I realized last night that my past had a large responsibility to the happiness level on this particular day. I measured my current happiness with myself versus happiness not found as a teen on this particular day.

Allow me to elaborate. High school is so bittersweet. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend then Valentine's Day is about sending flowers and/or balloons to school to announce to the world that you "love" your honey bear. But there is a wealth of us that didn't have that so each Valentine's Day was a reminder that we didn't have that special someone in our lives. It sucked big time to be the girl that never got flowers unless her parents sent them.

So I became the typically bitter female cursing this "holiday" with winged cupids flying about. I made the jokes about Valentine's Day sharing the same initials as a sexually transmitted disease (VD). I let my bitterness overtake me on what could be a day to celebrate love. And that is love in all forms.

I realized yesterday that my incessant anxiety about flowers stems from high school and being alone. And then I realized, "Hey...that person isn't you and she was ignorant. Let it go." So I did.

Last night I was meditating and reflecting on what Valentine's Day means to me as a parent, a child, a sibling and a wife. It is indeed a day to let them all know I love them but I've made it a point to try to tell them I love them more often. No...I don't need February 14th to tell me that. I also don't need to be "THAT" person who poo poo's love to everyone else with angry posts because I'm alone.

Even when I was single...I wasn't alone. Sure I didn't get the flowers but I had friends that told me I was loved. My parents told my I was loved. That's pretty damn awesome. Eight years ago my bestest friend gave birth to another reason to celebrate Valentine's Day by embracing the love that is found in the most simple of things.

I'll admit that I did get some lovely flowers. I received a card. I'm going to be treated to a home cooked meal tonight. But it is more than that and it should be more than that for you. If you find yourself lamenting how love sucks, Valentine's Day is a rip off and a fake holiday most people have no clue about the origins...stop being a pissy pants. Let people be what they want to be, love how they want to love and celebrate this day how they want to celebrate it. Instead of being angry try looking around and counting your blessings rather than wallowing in the things you don't have.

You are loved. You love others. You are alive. You have family. You have friends. You have an entire world of possibilities just waiting for you to reach out and grab. So what if you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. You have you and loving yourself is the most important lesson each of us has to learn.

So when you find yourself depressed today, allow it to come into your mind and then kick it straight out because you aren't that bad off. Don't rain on other's parades and instead create your own rainbow.

And yes I realize that is hard but I have faith in you. I love you!

(I also realized I never finished up my life lessons but that is for another day!)

Tao of Té - 38 Ideas - Installment 2

Tao of Té - 38 Things Installment 2

 

I'm back my honey bears with 10 more ideas I have learned over the past 38 years. Yesterday was a phooey kind of day but I bounced back. Now something I want to clarify is that these are my ideas. They might not be even remotely on your list but I do recommend making a list. In fact I'm a huge fan of any list. I have notebooks filled with lists for every single occasion I can possibly make a list for. So without further ado…here are ten more wistful observations.

 

11) Change is a part of life. Roll with the punches

                Man life can be a gigantic dick. It can screw you over big time. Change is something that comes though and it is one of the hardest things I have ever learned to cope with. I'm a "box" kinda gal. I put people into rigid roles because I like order. And I used to have a very hard time changing those parameters. It has caused me great distress in the past. Don't let it be a burden to you. Be flexible and embrace change.

 

12) Like attracts Like

                You only get out of life what you put into it. You want happy people around you…then be happy. Pretty simple. Now all people get down sometimes and that is okay. Cry, wail and gnash your teeth. You deserve every emotion you want to have. My only exception would be hate. Hate is a worthless emotion and you, and myself, are better than that.

 

13) Love with reservations.

                The heart is amazing in its ability to love. As long as you keep loving, it keep growing. You'll get hurt. You will hurt someone else. But take it on the chin and don’t make the rest of humanity pay for a momentary mistake. I promise that you will love again. I don't know when. I'm not really adept at predicting the future. I just know that love can be found in the most unlikely of places and it doesn't have to be romantic. So keep that heart open. Pain will happen regardless. Love makes it worth it.

 

14) Find your theme song for life

                I have this incredible connection to music that came from my parents. I often remember memories based on songs. Find your theme song and change that playlist often. Music is the melody to which our soul dances.

15) It is OK to not know the answers.

                I'm turning 38 and while I have accumulated a wealth of information in my life, I often say "I don't know." You can bullshit an answer left and right. You may get it right. But if you don’t know the answer it is okay to admit it. And this applies to the direction of your life as well. So what if you don't have a 5 or 10 year plan. Let it come when it comes.

 

16) Say what you mean.

                Games come in boxes. Leave them there. Don't say "Yes" to something that you intensely want to say, "No" to. I've done it so many times in my life. I caved and did something I didn't want to do. I would rather someone tell me a firm "No" then a hedged "maybe" or a lie of "Yes" it just doesn't do the soul justice. People aren't mind readers regardless of what someone claims. I don't get implied meanings or statements. If you tell me everything is alright then I take it as that after I've asked 3 times. After the 3 times you forgo any right to bitch later.

 

17) Disliking or Hating Another

                Just don't. Even if it is an Ex that has done you horribly wrong. Anger is like throwing a hot stone. You get burned first. You disliking someone, or even hating them, accomplishes absolutely nothing. Even pretending to concentrate really hard to explode their minds does nothing but make you feel a tiny bit vindicated. Hating someone is a waste of time and productivity. Now don't get me wrong. If a certain person popped back in my life and said something to me….it would be on but that's because she is the epitome of evil. See…I almost wrecked myself. My saying that did nothing to her. It doesn't faze anyone to hate them.

 

18) Your friends are a reflection of yourself

                This is one of those "like attracts like" things but I wanted to make it again. If I am a reflection of my friends…I'm pretty fucking lucky and I'm pretty damn talented, smart and beautiful. From my most recent friends to my oldest friends. Through my friends I am invincible.

 

19) Cultivate your relationships

                You only get as much out of a relationship as you put into it. This applies to your romantic partner as well as your friends. Lately I haven't been such a great cultivator because I'm a self-absorbed asshole and I've just been in a funk. Luckily I have fantastic friends that understand and just let me alone. I do try to keep them in my thoughts and have a list to start checking off starting with checking in and seeing how everyone else is doing. The point is that you have to work at friendships and relationships constantly. It is your garden of life. Now don't be a hoe! Ha!

 

20) Anger towards a friend or loved one

                You have to options here: tell them or get over it. It is that simple. If your friend/loved one pisses you off enough that you think you need to air it out in order to get over it…then air it out. Don't make some passive aggressive bullshit post that leaves everyone wondering and asking what is going on. You can employ tagging. You can employ text messaging . You can do a face to face over coffee or you can call. My sister and I used to do this famously. We would bottle up every bitchy thing until it finally exploded into this mess that nothing got resolved. Then we would be pissed at each other for weeks, or even months. It even got as bad as not talking to each other for a long time and then only civilly. I don't do this anymore because it is pointless. If I find myself mad at a person constantly then I need to reevaluate their position in my life. I'm not saying go through and toss everyone that makes you mad. I am saying that you don't need to be a pansy and just sit back and let it stack up. Say something. BUT…say it diplomatically for those that have a temper. I know I can tell my best friend anything. Now she has a hellacious temper but if I explain myself she usually only gets mad at me for a few hours vs days/weeks. I'm the same way. If I piss you off then simply tell me. It might simply be a miscommunication.

 

So there you go. 10 additional ideas to keep in mind. Stay tuned for our next thrilling installment tomorrow!

Tao of Té - 38 Ideas I have learned in 38 Years - Installment 1

Tao of Té -  38 Ideas I have learned in 38 Years

 

I want you to pay attention to the title of this blog. It isn't "beliefs" it is "ideas" and you might be asking yourself why you should be noticing one single word. The truth is that, to me, beliefs are rigid. They don't change very often and are hard to change at that. An IDEA, though, can be changed when you receive new information or gain a new perspective. Ideas are fluid and for me, the following are simply ideas I have garnered, gathered and come to realize are applicable to me. If you find one that is applicable to you then use it. My thought is that it never hurts to read what another has come to the conclusion of based on life experiences. And these are my experiences and my life is not yours as yours is not mine.

There are several of these but I promise you a surprise at the end if you read through them. J

1) Age isn't just a number.

                Age really isn't THAT big a deal until you no longer have a birthday. I'm sure there are millions of people that have passed the veil that would love nothing more than to have one more birthday. This also applies to people that don't "act" their age. You know what? Don't. Never act a certain way because a number dictates.

 

2) Be Grateful

                Be grateful for the little things in life and be ecstatic for the big things. It really is those little things in life that can make the difference. I'd rather a lifetime of little small things than a few enormous. A life that appreciates the little gestures, moments and things is a life well lived.

 

3) Never forget courtesy and politeness

                We are swiftly becoming a society that no longer views "Ma'am" or "Sir", along with "Thank you" and "You're Welcome," as necessities. They are. I never address an unfamiliar adult with their first name even if it is on a badge or name tag. If I know their last name they get the Ms. or Mr. treatment. If I don't then they get "Ma'am" or "Sir." It really is a showing of respect and courtesy to remember your manners.

 

4) Learn Patience

                This is one that I'm ALWAYS working on. I have very little patience and my husband knows this, bless his little heart. ;) When we are waiting at Winco for the hellacious lines to move along, he will often lean over and say, " Breathe. It is okay. I know the lines are long but they are moving." Most of the time he has hit the nail on the head but here lately I'm okay with simply waiting. Why? Because someone Is waiting on me and if I hate someone pushing me along then I shouldn't do it to others. You will have to cut me  some slack though because this one is a constant work in progress.

 

5) Envy is a TERRIBLE shade of green.

                This one is simple. Don't wear it. We ALL know someone who seems to have it better off than we do. This may be true and they simply blessed. OR, and I'm going with 95% I'm right on this mode, they have a wealth of their own problems and we simply do not see them. Let me give you an example. I had a friend say to me, "Oh my gosh you are so together and lucky. You have already written a book and working on your next one. Most authors take years and years to get to your point." Now let me tell you the truth of the matter. Yes, I have written down one book. I haven't published it. I am looking at MAJOR revamps because I have decided I no longer like it and it isn't written well. This book as consumed hours, days and even weeks of my time. As for having the others lined out…I've been working on this series in my head for more than 15 years. Don't envy me in the least and I'll do my best not to let that hideous shade of green be on me.

6) Learn to Meditate

                Meditation and prayer have a lot of the same things in common. You are in the moment and you are concentrating. Perhaps you are asking for forgiveness. Perhaps you are asking for a favor. Regardless you need to learn to meditate. Why? It makes you focus on your mind, your body and your environment. Don't think it is a pointless exercise where you become the Buddha. It isn't that. It is about finding yourself. OH and it isn't limited to one philosophy or religion. Enjoy!

 

7) Learn something new every single day.

                Simple. Learn a new fact each day and commit it to memory. Unless you have a degenerative brain disease or are missing your hippocampus, you can commit one fact to memory. Here is my latest knowledge fact. I learned more about Mary Queen of Scots. Did you know "God save the Queen!" came about after her beheading? Oh and her dog was hiding in her skirts during and after her execution. Fascinating stuff!

 

8) Laugh at least once a day.

                I'm trying to find the lighter side in life and to do so I find something , or someone, to make me laugh at least once a day. Often it is Dave but occasionally Kennedy and Maesin will whiz a zinger at each other that has me dang near belly rolling. It's good for the soul so keep laughing!

 

9) Say "Sorry" only when you truly are and don't hesitate to say it.

                People know an insincere apology when they hear it so don't let one fall from your lips. If you absolutely MUST issue an apology due to a confrontation, a work snafu etc but you don't feel the least apologetic then apologize for the situation. Don't say you are sorry for what you did or said. Does this make you a gigantic dick if you don't apologize or say sorry? It depends on what you did or said. But know that there is a huge difference between offering up a PR related "apology" and offering a sincere "I'm sorry." You're a big kid. You'll figure it out.

 

10) Learn how to be comfortable with yourself.

                Listen honey bears…if you aren't comfortable with yourself and comfortable being alone then you are most certainly not going to be comfortable by yourself with someone else. Why? Because you don't know yourself. Do you know what makes you tick? Do you know what pisses you off? Do you even know what your strong suits really are? If you don't know the absolute answer to all three questions then you don't know yourself. Am I comfortable with myself? Not all the way but I'm getting there. Yes, I realize I'm in a relationship and I jumped into one before I truly gained a sense of knowledge about myself. However I'm not in a suppressive environment which is a major plus. Dave pretty much has a philosophy that lets people be who they want to be provided they aren't dicks about it, or that they create much noise.

 

So yes, I'm stopping at 10 because I really don't think you want to read all 38 in one sitting. Tomorrow you'll get another 10 and so on and so forth until 38 is reached. As for that surprise I promised you? SURPRISE!!! You get three more installments. Yay you!!

Tao of Té Happy NYE!

2014 Look Out Baby 'Cause Here I come!!

 

Today millions of people will be pondering their New Year resolutions. Come midnight the champagne will flow, fireworks will go off and people will get that first kiss of the new year. I've heard what some of the resolutions will be of my friends. I've also seen some refuse to make any resolutions because they know they will break them.

Usually I am the one that does not make resolutions. The reason being is that I just suck. I don't stick to my resolution. I used to have the standard ones like lose weight, save more money, eat healthier. But then I stopped. That was wrong of me.

I am by no means saying you shouldn't make NYE resolutions. I just stopped because I was never fulfilling mine and it became a vicious cycle of making them, not doing them and then feeling bad because I felt like it was a year wasted.

This year, yet again, draws to a close. It has been one hell of a ride the last 13 months. Things have been tragic, horrible, painful and lonely at times. Yesterday I told my GYN, about my year. She was shocked. I've had five emergency surgeries and have broken my toe. That is a lot to squeeze into the year. Then she said something wonderful to me,  she said, "Wow those are some terrible things but you always pick yourself back up."

Do I really? Or do I just sit there waiting for someone else to pick me up? I'd like to think that I do the standing on my own. I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Each would help me in a millisecond. If it hadn't been for my friends I would not have had the strength to go on much less shoulder my burden, but they did. And still know the incredible pain I go through daily. It isn't fun and it just complicates things.

So here are my New Year Resolutions of things I am NOT going to do:

·         I am not going to let someone else's opinion of me make me feel less than I am.

·         I am going to reach out for help when I need it.

·         I am never going to stop showing people, or tell people that I love them as often as they can.

·         I am going to stop seeing the negative/bad parts pf people. Every person has someone good inside.

·         I am going to let grudges of my past and of people go. It is doing nothing to the other person than cause me more grief.

·         I am not going to let people steam roll over me.

 

So there you go. My list of Non-traditional NYE resolutions. There is nothing about saving money, eating well or working out. I've been doing that as often as possible this year. But I am going to be a better this year. I am going to love far deeper. I am going to push R.A.K. as much as possible to help start a movement of interest and of bringing people love. That is one resolution that can be started with someone at any time.

So let your grievances go. Give someone a smile randomly. Don't let regret weigh you down because you always have enough time, even if it is one minute from now, to let the baggage go.

This NYE we will be celebrating at home with some Nyquil due to the girl's giving us their contagion. I probably will be well asleep before the New Year so I want to wish you all the very best beginning to a New Year that you could possibly have.

Just remember to: Dream Big, Love Often, Ignore the small stuff and always keep a goal in mind even if it is nothing more than reading a book you have always wanted to read but haven't had the chance.

Tao of Té - Looking Back 20 Years Ago

Looking Back

 

Next May marks my 20 year Anniversary from the day I graduated High School. Today I brought out an old photo album and posted some pictures. For one of my friend's it saddened her to see a picture of herself when she was 16. For the life of me I didn't understand her reasoning. I find her more interesting today than I did then. I think she is prettier today then she was back so many years ago. But it did make me think.

What was I like 20 years ago? I wasn't naive and I wasn't innocent. Two people remarked that they missed those days. I don't. Why would I ever? Let me explain.

When I was in high school I never spoke up for myself. I let other's dictate how I felt about myself and many times I based my self worth on a guy's interest in me. I wasn't skinny like my friends. And as most overweight girls and young women, I let that weight interfere in some of my judgments. I didn't listen to what was waiting to unfold inside me. I had not experienced life.

If I were to go back in time and talk to the 18 year old me I would tell her this:

"Stop worrying about other people. Don't have sex just to make a guy happy because he is essentially using you and you deserve better. Speak up on things that matter and keep your tongue on things you could care less about. Care more though. Sometimes people mistake quietness for weakness and you were never weak. You just didn't know it. These aren't the best years of your life. Those are yet to come for me and you both."

I would take her hand and show her a map of the world and let her know that there are billions of people that struggle every day and show her how lucky she actually was. She had a Papa, Granny, Grandma and a father. I would kick her in the ass and make her go over and visit them so much it finally bothered them!

As I sit here thinking about myself I am shocked and happy to realize that I have accomplished so fucking much! I had two incredible kids, that at times drive me nuts, but are also the very best in me manifested in them. I have lived in a great many places but I have found my true home in the Pacific Northwest. I may eventually move to another place but it will be a choice I make and it will be another place I've always wanted to live.

I'm not wealthy but then again I've never wanted to be that way. I wanted to be happy with myself. And for the first time in my life I am. I have acknowledged that I suffer from OCD, Anxiety and Depression. But so what? That is okay and if I have a down cycle…I'll eventually come out of it.

I will never be skinny and that's okay. I am losing weight but it isn't for the purpose of looking great. It is because I want to feel great. Yes, my hair is falling out and I'm missing some female organs. I've had my spine opened up three times. I ache when I sit, lay or stand too long. But those things are okay because it means that I am alive.

When people start hating on me for my point of view I don't get angry at them. I don't feel sorry for them. Because they have just as much right to their viewpoint and opinion as I do. That was the entire point of my last great debate. Even if you don't agree with what is being said, you still have to afford them the right that you, yourself take.

I've realized that family means a whole lot but sometimes you have to stop being a baby bird and you have to leave the nest. For me this meant leaving behind a place I both love and hate. I love it because of family and friends but I hate it because it is the type of place that you never break free from the mold you were cast into back in high school. It is the type of small town that is constricting unless you were popular. I don't know if I ever was and honestly…I don't care.

The me of 20 years ago didn't fight for other people's rights. I am proud to have worked on spreading awareness for marriage equality for all. I am proud to live in a city where the LGBT community is making such inroads into equality. I am in awe and love when I have friends that break free and declare their sexuality. I didn't understand that then because I kept silent on those issues. I don't any longer. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I will fight for equality down to my last breath. But that means equality across the board.

I was jaded when I was 18. I was tired of high school and being typecast. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I didn't realize how beautiful I was or how beautiful I would be in 20 years. I am beautiful now. I have a shining soul that would help another at the drop of the hat. That is the only time I wish for wealth.

I have seen my oceans on my native homeland and one day will see them from other countries far across the way. I love my ocean though. The big crashing waves. The ice cold water. The brisk air as it comes rolling across the Pacific. I love my mountains, tall and capped completely in white.

Don't look back at your high school pictures and think those were the good days! Don't look back on those pictures and think of what you have lost! Think about what you have gained. I hope you have gained something because I know I am not alone in this. I know there are others who have gained tremendously after high school.

Yes,  there are wrinkles now and I sometimes have to remind myself how old I am. I have a satchel filled with bad decisions but each one has taught me a lesson and finally I have learned those lessons. There will be other bad decisions in my life and hopefully I'll learn from them the first time around.

So those pictures? Yes…we were young and we grew up. And it is a great thing because it means we are still around and can still have plenty of time for more Grand Adventures. Don't lament because a picture makes you feel old. Instead look back on it as the starting point of your life.

Namasté