ME

A Day in the Life of Me

I’ve had a LOT of time on my hands for the last month, and I’ve done quite a bit of thinking. Who am I? What makes me…well me? How do others view me? How do I view myself? Am I a good person, or someone who simply goes through the motions of appearing good?

These are all legitimate questions, and probably should be questions that everyone asks himself or herself throughout his/her life. In fact, I’d wager, that these are questions that should be pondered a least once a month. It keeps us in check. It keeps us on the greatest adventure ever: life.

So enough about you, let us progress to me! J I’m kidding. I am completely NOT narcissistic in any way, shape or form. I will say that at one time I used to be a spelling whiz, which seems to be a skill that is deserting me lately. So if you find mistakes – live with it. The same thing applies to any grammar skills. That is what editors are for and I’m definitely not an editor.

I perceive myself as: shy, withdrawn, anti-social, problematic, conflicted, and completely consumed with OCD and Anxiety. Anxiety and OCD  to a level that I know exactly how long everything takes and I cannot be remotely close to an appointment time or work time. Even when I do not have a “set” schedule…I still have one set in my mind. It drives my husband and kids nuts. If I’m not at my workplace at least 30 minutes (I prefer an hour) before time to clock in…I’m a nervous wreck. Appointments fare the same. I know exactly how many minutes it takes to walk out my front door and check my mail and come back in. Yeah…that’s how bad it is. The fact that the rest of the world is not consumed by this tedious and draining behavior baffles and irritates me.

My anxiety is pretty bad at times but I’m slowly getting it under control. I realized long ago that emotions trigger my anxiety. When I’m nervous I feel out of control. When I’m confronting someone, big issue or small one, I tense up and my anxiety skyrockets and I cannot control my emotions. I have to completely walk away until I can meditate and bring myself back to a certain level. Fighting sends me spiraling. Don’t get me wrong…I’ve learned to stand up for myself and for others without breaking down but the conversations will eat at me for a long, long time. And once I’m angry with someone it takes a very long time for me to move past it. I get irritated but that passes within minutes, but real anger trigger events will NEVER be forgotten and take me a while to get past.

Anti-social: I think that I’m very anti-social. Around people that I know, and like, I can relax and kinda be myself. Large groups make me extremely nervous. New people make me very nervous and I often keep very quiet. People who really know me are shocked that my motor mouth can remain zipped tightly. That’s another thing that bothers me…I can’t stop. I don’t like dead silences when I’m around others. I fidget and move constantly. When I’m at home, work or anywhere besides my bed reading, I am in constant motion doing about three other things at the same time. Watching a movie at home without doing other things…almost impossible. Dave is a sit quietly, speak when he needs too or absolutely must, and hates interruptions during television shows and movies. He uses the pause button quite a lot in our household.

My life has never been smooth. It seems to be marked by constant struggles, strife, happiness, sadness and confliction. But I’m learning that is what life is about. People who say their life is constantly great and they LOVE LIFE at all times are hiding what is really going on. They want to give the appearance that they have the perfect life. It is a defense mechanism. I’m definitely not like that. My life is pretty much an open book. Some chapters are humorous, some are sad and some are quite dark. There are also chapters sealed up because I don’t want to revisit those. It is why I do not read past journal entries. There is no point in reliving the past. I have, hopefully, learned from it and moved on.

So am I a good person? What makes me…me? I think I am a good person. I do suffer from anger, irritation, jealousy at times, and sometimes I’m completely not observant. I doubt my faith and my beliefs almost daily. I don’t need affirmation though and that is a bit weird. I am who I am. I do try to better myself through learning, watching others and listening. There are very few things said or done around me that I don’t pay attention to and log in my brain. There are, however, many times when my brain completely fogs out and I don’t remember a thing. Most of my childhood, teens and even up to my early 30’s are in the fog. Not through drugs! But through just moving on and putting them in the mental closet.

I’m a wanderer and a gypsy. I love visiting new places and I’ve moved a WHOLE lot in my life. I don’t always want to move but circumstances have forced those moves. It makes me feel horrendously guilty for my daughters but at the same time I see the strength it has given them. They are outgoing, unique and not uncomfortable in new situations. Up’s and down’s do not seem to bother them in the least for more than a week or so. That is a great thing. For people to feel “sorry” for me and my daughters really, REALLY pisses me off. Don’t take pity on me for your inability to get out and see the world. Don’t feel “Sorry” for me because you can’t leave the pond for the ocean. There is so much world to explore and so many new, great people and adventures to be had. I want my eulogy to be read proudly and my friends to say, in awe, “She was an adventurer. She constantly strove to see and do new things and wasn’t afraid of the unknown.”

As for ponds…I sometimes miss my hometown. It is small, it is diminishing and it is comforting at the same time. It will always be my first home but it isn’t for me. I could never go back and live there. I wish I could see my family and friends more often but living there would kill my spirit. It would destroy everything that makes me…me. I’ve visited a few times since moving and after about 2 weeks I am very ready to get on the plane and come home. This is my home. Oregon will not be the last place I move too. There are other great cities that someday I want to call my home. My home comes with me to all of these new places.

To wrap this up: I don’t know how others perceive me. I like being in my own space and I retreat there often. I shouldn’t all the time but it brings me comfort. I am trying to get out more and experience more that life has to offer. I stand in my yard, in parking lots, on trails, on the beach and just take in the beauty that surrounds me. I’m always in awe that this is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. Mountains capped by snow all year round. The Pacific Ocean with its huge, crashing waves that seem to make the world stop. The forests with trees taller than I’ve ever seen but surrounded by lush ferns, bushes that stay green and a silence that rings down to your soul. Rivers that seem so fast and wide flowing over huge falls and surrounded by adventurers staring with reverence.  I go downtown to watch people walk, bike and even sleep near me. They each have a story to tell and I try to think of what their story is and how it has played out in their lives. I look at the incredible architecture while I munch on one of the best doughnuts in the US. I peer, peep and fondle books in a bookstore that is as big as a city block.

That’s my life and who I am. I guess I’m an adventurer, of a sort, that never ceases moving.