Masks and Adventures

The Sun is shining

As I sit here, waiting to begin my day and with the house so quiet, I am reflecting on what has gone on this month and what still lies ahead. It has definitely been a busy month as far as emotional turmoil goes. If you’ve read any of my blog then you are right there with me. You have weathered the ups and mostly downs that I have been going through and I thank you dearly.

One of the things that I’m often questioned on is this: why do you air everything out on a public forum where anyone can read it.

Here is the answer: I don’t have much of a filter. I don’t feel that most people need one but we choose to put on up. No, this is not in regards to personal intestinal disorders that should not be brought up in polite conversation. I know how to make chit chat and keep things on an impersonal level. It is more about transparency, for me at least.

For years and years I wore masks. There was my happy mask. Then there was my “all is well in my world mask” and finally there is the one that most of us secretly hate: I LOVE MY LIFE mask. You know the one…the one where every status update is about how great life is, how fantastic the marriage and kids are and how you are lovin’ life.

I’m not saying that there are not those people in the world to whom this is not a perfect fit. But that is 1%. Most people are raw and gritty at times. They have days when everything they touch goes to pot. Where they are hurt, mad, sad and sometimes delusional and yet still want to be positive.

Sometimes it is about being positive and forcing their life to change for the better. I’ve done it. It’s called “Fake it ‘Till You Make It” and it does work most of the time. You are only as happy as you feel, so if you are feeling down…pretend that you are happy and soon you will BE happy.

I love hearing success stories. I do but it is the failures and the diversity that means more to me. It tells me that I am not alone. That my failures and my trials are not isolated events that seem to happen only to me.

There was a study done a few years ago that studied people and social media. The study found that the individuals who posted the “Everything is fantastic” posts ALL of the time…yes you guessed it, were the least happy and satisfied. They had a tendency to internalize their problems and did not want the world to see them.

I only partially believe that because the flip side of that coin would be that people who only post negative things are the most happy inside. Eh…I’m calling bullshit on that one. Some people love wallowing in misery. That’s a fact of life Jack! (Thank you Si Robertson for the “Jack” streak that I have recently been on. You can tell that I’m missing my Arkansan roots when I watch Duck Dynasty constantly because it reminds me of family and friends.)

Back on topic before I lose my train of thought and start rambling. There have been times in my life where I felt like Job. Times when anything, and everything, that could go wrong was actually going straight to Hell in a hand basket. Everyone has those times. Some choose to wear a mask to hide their troubles. That works for a bit before it gets shoved into a dark place inside and it ferments. Worry, doubt, apprehension, jealousy and anger get their feet in the door and take up residence.

Transparency eliminates that. There is no room for anything to hide. Yes…it sets you up for others to see all of your fears and weaknesses but for those looking closely enough, it shows them that you have strength, courage and the fortitude to get through anything.

A sword, if it is not tempered forged, reheated, folded and hammered, breaks upon first impact. That is how to be in life. Let your trials temper you and make you stronger.

My troubles this month have been pretty harsh but today is a brand new day. I’m not afraid of my surgery Thursday any longer. I can choose to let it break me but where is the fun in that? I’m finally starting to look at the positives that can come about from it.

My relationship with my husband: I know who I am and ultimately that is all that matters. It is no longer a matter of what I will put up with and instead has become a matter of what I deserve. If I want happiness then I work on myself. I cannot change the past. I cannot dwell on it any longer. Dave knows his mistakes and I truly do believe he regrets them. Will we be perfect? Nah but where is the fun in that?

And finally I have decided that if there are people in my life that do not support me, do not respect me, do not like me or simply cannot take the time of day to see how I am doing once in a while…they do not get to be a part of my life. It really is that simple. There are two people in this world that I have an eternal obligation too and they are my daughters. No one else has a secure spot. There are a few that have tenured positions but that’s because they take the time to ask how I feel. It is a mutual exchange of information rather than me mentioning something and then it becoming all about them. I don’t have time for that nonsense. If you like hearing yourself talk…then go to the mirror. If you want to have a conversation…then I’m with you every step of the way. If there is one thing about me that I treasure it is that I am extremely loyal to my friends and family. They may piss me off at times but there will never be a time that I am not willing to go to bat for them. I may get mad at them, and them at me, but in the end we love each other and we get over it.

I guess life really is that simple. It all comes down to getting over it and on to the next great, exciting adventure. A new adventure starts for me this week. It is a new chapter in my life and I think it will be okay.