A Letter to Other Parents (Potential Parents)
I have realized, as my daughters have gotten older, that
there are three types of parents. Others will argue that this is a blanket
statement but they can shut it. If you disagree then prove it. Otherwise I'll
stick to my guns on this one. There are three types of parent categories that a
parent can unwittingly fall into.
1) The Friend
This is a DANGEROUS category of parenting. It means to know
all the details of your child's life and you'll say, do, or be anything they
want just to show you are the "cool" parent. You are the parent that
lets your kid and her friends drink at home (because it is better to drink at
home than out on the road...right?) You let them do whatever they want because
you do not want them to dislike you. You're their buddy. You're the parent that
attacks other kids, and often encourages it, on social media. You are your
daughter's bestie for the restie.
My answer: Fuck that shit. (Excuse the language for those
that do not know I cuss like a sailor on shore leave in Bankok) It's okay, to a
reasonable degree, to let your child break loose at home on occasion. To let
them break the boundaries and be able to tell you the important things. But you
do not want to know all the details and you shouldn't. There will, hopefully,
come a time when they want to be your friend and can talk to you about the
important things. The reality is that no matter how close you think you are to
your daughter or son...you aren't. You don't look cool hanging out with them.
You look desperate. Remember that mom on "Mean Girls?" That's you.
Ya...pathetic. You are a grownup. Act like one and don't try to be the best
friend of your child.
2) The Absent Parent
This is the saddest parent of all. I'd much rather see a #1
than this category. This is the parent who just doesn't care what their child
does. Or this is the parent that wants to punish all the time simply because
they do not want to deal with the kid. They want to live their lives and forget
that they have replicas living under their own roof that will someday be the
same way to their children unless they are able to break that vicious cycle.
This parent doesn't care if the kid drinks as long as they don't get busted because
they don't want to take the time to educate the child on waiting and being
responsible. This parent is out partying, living life, driving a two seat
sports car because they want more for themselves than they want for those symbioses
mooching off them at home. They just want them out.
3) The Parents who will get their Heart Broken but
eventually have great kids.
This is the category that most, if not all, my friends and
family fall into. It is the parents that love their children enough to say
"No" and to mean it. These are the parents that will watch their
little Tinkerbell grow up into a petulant teen that will lash out and hurt you
to your very core. These are the parents that are strict enough that they will
eventually hear "I hate you." Teens that will swear you know nothing
about what they are going through and that you never listen, that you don't
know the pressure they are under or even the slightest detail of their lives
unless it is something they have done wrong. Even when the parents can silently
list every single boyfriend/girlfriend, class load, friend, etc. These are the
parents that will cry at night because they are afraid they aren't doing
something right, can't give their children more than they had growing up or
that they have lost their children. These are the parents that worry about
their child's friends influencing them. They gripe about the kids that want to
party because they are afraid of losing their child in an accident. These are
the parents that once said, "My child is not going to be that way"
and then later have to eat their words. These are the parents that get so mad
and frustrated that they call their own parents and apologize for everything
they did as teens and say, "You were right and I was wrong." These
are the parents that start out with lofty goals of having a prodigy and
teaching them the "right" way only to find out that parenting is a
learned skill. There is NOTHING in a
book that will prepare you or give you the guidance you need. These parents
have to be accommodating and flexible. Things never go as planned.
I've met parents in the 1 & 2 category and unfortunately
there is nothing you can ever say to make them change their mind. That is their
way. I've met some that are so over protective that the children eventually
rebel as soon as they are able and become walking/talking terrors to the rest
of the world.
The point is that there is no happy medium. #3 category is
where most people fall. It hurts when your teen becomes her/his own person. It
hurts to see them cry over a crush and to experience their first heartbreak but
it has to happen. It hurts to see them fail but it has to happen. That is life.
Life is about falling and having the will power and courage to stand right up
again. "Rub some dirt on it." The greatest thing about being a
parent, though, is knowing that no matter what your child does...you will
always love him or her. Nothing can ever change it. You may not like them at
times, and that is TOTALLY normal. You may want to lock them in a cage...just
don't do it because CPS might frown on it but it is totally okay if you want to
lock yourself in your bedroom to escape. Don't feel bad about wanting a
vacation by yourself. Don't feel bad about needing a night out on the town every
once in a while. Don't feel bad about needing that glass (ahem...bottle
sometimes) of wine to combat their whine. Get a hobby and don't center your
life around your kid's life. Don't limit yourself to friend's that only
interact in some way currently, or in the past, with your child. Don't spend
every moment of your free time with your child, unless they are a newborn (and
even then get some alone time or you'll go freaking nuts eventually).
You are going to mess up. You are going to say the wrong
thing. You may even lash out and say something you don't mean. All it takes is
an apology.
Want to know my secret? I slip notes into my daughters'
books for them to find at a later date. Notes that let them know I love them
and that I do notice their achievements along with their failures. Notes that
mention a certain boy. Notes that remind them of something funny they once did
as a little kid. Or they are notes that just let them know how much I love
them. Notes are my way of communicating, as evident by the fact that I am far
more eloquent writing than in real life. I do my best but I'm learning as I go.
And as I've said many times...I may not survive the teen years. Namasté my
friends.
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