The Hardest Post Ever

Misconceptions

 

I am admitting to you something that is hard for me. So bear with me. Don't think any less of me. Don't think any more of me. This does not make me heroic. It does not make me a coward. It does not change who I am.

I heard a song today that summed up how powerful a mental illness can be. I'll admit that I have struggled with certain mental illnesses all my life. Believe it or not I am incredibly shy. I overcome this at work by being the extreme opposite. I create this person who is vivacious and chatty. I want to believe that I AM this person. But sometimes I realize I am not.

I don't like crowds or strangers. I don't like my personal space invaded. I don't like being touched. That is the hardest part because it is the thing that I want the most. I want to be touched and be loved. But my OCD kicks in and I can't have a repetitive motion on my skin.

My OCD causes me wasted time. I arrive an hour early for most appointments if I am driving myself. If I'm with another then I am a nervous wreck if we are 15 minutes early. If I'm late...I can't recover for the rest of the day. I expect all appointments to be exactly on time. Not early and definitely not late.

I have severe depression at times when left alone too long and this back injury has moved that depression level into a critical stage. I'm alone most of the day which in turn makes me want to be alone. I love my work. I want to go back. But I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't fit in. That my coworkers, who are my only friends here, will have excluded me. That I won't have friends here anymore.

Maybe you would never guess that this is what I go through. That any whisper automatically makes my mind think they are talking about me. I'm ashamed of my looks. I'm ashamed of my intelligence. It is why I'm signed up for at least 10 classes every few weeks. I feel like I'm dumb and not in contact with the real world.

What I am about to admit is incredibly hard but I know it is a first step. For those of you who will read this, not comment and then talk about it with others...enjoy yourself. You are part of the problem and not part of the solution. If you want to talk to me about it...please do because I need that contact.

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with an unimaginable pain. One that drugs don't seem to alleviate unless they knock me out. I'm alone most of the day and then my daughters come home and seem to just disappear.

I've thought of suicide many times. I haven't progressed to the plan stage which is a very good thing. But the thought is there. Dave won't understand. He will say that it will get better when I get back to work and get around others. He doesn't like personal issues like this. I would call my psych nurse but she will see me for exactly 15 minutes. Prescribe something and then perhaps have me go check myself in to a facility. That really isn't going to be helpful.

There isn't a moment of the day that I'm not isolating myself now. I'm withdrawing from Dave, which in turn hurts him and makes our marriage definitely rocky to the point of it is VERY bad. I love him but we aren't communicating.

My relationship with my daughters is suffering. How can I connect when I think about leaving them and I've justified it in my mind. Don't call me a coward. Don't tell me how much they need me because they don't. I live with them. They need a wallet with cash and a cell phone and perhaps a ride.

Maybe I'll get through this on my own. Maybe I won't and I'll need help. Maybe just posting this will be enough to give me the strength to see past the pain, know that I'll eventually stop being in agony and I'll find my place again in the world.