The Friend Zone

So I recently read an article on Jezebel ( you can read it here it is by Samantha Irby) about the Bro' Zone. It is that magical place females find themselves when they lust/love a guy but he considers her just a friend. All of you kats and kittens know what I'm talking about. Most women at some point in their lives has received the "talk" about not wanting to ruin a great friendship or you are his hang out buddy. Don't even fucking deny it bitches because I know you are lying if you do!

All joking aside...we, females, do it all the time to guys. I know I have certainly been guilty of it. Yes...I have deliberately put a guy into the friend zone because I truly liked his friendship. Yes...I have put a guy into the friend zone because he did shit for me. I have had my fair share (no I'm not listing a number but we'll say it is higher than 1) of F*ck Buddies. Those are the guys you don't want to hang out with, you don't want them doing anything for you other than a quick round of bed play. They don't get to stay the night and you never tell most of your friends. Hell...I've had one that I never even told my BEST FRIEND! Yep...man he was so totally not what I'd pick out for myself. Even pretending to be his friend irritated the piss out of me. He was atrocious but hey...it was a low point in my life. But enough about that. My sexual conquests are certainly interesting but I'm getting off track.

Here is the thing: if you do not want to be put into the Friend Zone then you have to know the signs. This is for guys and girls. These are some tips that will help you stay clear of that murky area where heartache and angst lie in wait. Now if you can certainly apply this to the Friends with Benefits Zone as well. They are interchangeable.

1. Don't Aim Too High! Guys: if you can't: shower on a daily basis, brush your teeth, consider homemade tattoos "cool", think a business degree can be attained in two weeks via an Internet course, are a sociopathic drug user that looks like the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz except 50 lbs lighter, or just attend way too many comic book conventions...you aren't going to get a supermodel. You aren't going to be dating the Homecoming Queen. You aren't going to get that insanely hot chick that looks like Megan Fox but stars in pornos. A recent study showed that a huge majority of men (even the butt ugly ones) always think they can win the supermodels and Homecoming Queens. They always shoot too high and clearly outside their social, economic, political and environmental status quo. AND THEN BITCH BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND A "DECENT" WOMAN!! Be realistic. The same holds true for women. Nice personalities only go so far. If you look like a troll (and not one of the cute ones with the standing hair) then you are not going to get the Brad Pitt. The only exception to this rule is money. If you have a lot of money then...fuck you can have whoever you want.
2. You Get Asked to Attend a Wedding and You Aren't Dating: No one likes to show up at a wedding alone. It kinda makes you feel like an outsider and a bit pathetic because someone will ask about your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife at some point and you either have to lie or just admit that you are single. With cats. But if you get asked to a wedding by a guy/girl you aren't dating exclusively....you are now in the Friend Zone. Two types of people go to weddings together: Buddies and those in Relationships. Know the difference and you'll go far.
3. Internet: Yes, I have to take it there. Now granted I do know many successful stories of people that have met through the Internet. Some have reconnected over the years and some have been new meetings. But for every successful romance I can give you 100 stories of guys/girls looking for a quick hookup. Granted there are more guys doing the trolling than girls but it still happens. Taken men use the Internet because it is safer than trolling bars and laundromats. You should always weigh that new connection with a very doubting mind. Oh and always ask for a current picture with a newspaper! Oh and a background check! Oh and always ask if he is currently a meth head user/dealer! Just some quick tips :)
4. Last Minute Calls: Listen, we all have things that come up at the last minute but if someone truly wants to be with you and values your time...he/she will schedule beforehand. Friends are the ones that get the biggest leeway in this department because it is almost always a casual invitation. If he calls you to come over to a party, but didn't mention it beforehand and he's drunk when he calls, he probably thinks of you as a friend (probably with benefits.) It's the truth.

Now...here is the real truth. If you do not want to be in the Friend Zone/Friends with Benefits department is all boils down to how you present yourself. I know some fantastic ladies that always have this inherent dignity that just exudes from their perfect pores. I, however, am not one of these people and I tend to learn all my lessons the hard way. I'm getting better all the time. I'm like fine wine baby! Or cheese...ya probably more like cheese.

The simplest solution is to not play the guessing game. When I want to know if Dave likes me....I ask. When we were dating I didn't play coy and I didn't assume anything. I told him that if he liked me he would have to tell me because my signals always steer me wrong. We even came up with our own code words to express certain sentiments.

Life is pretty hard and the talking monkey's make it even harder. We spend so much time "inferring" emotion, sentiment, thought and action that we often miss exactly what is in front of our face. If we would just ask the right questions and take the answers at face value...we'd be pretty well off. Obviously we wouldn't be in politics though! Ha I kill me.