Next

It was my first 4th of July here in Bend and it was spectacular. I've never lived any place where I was actually chilly while waiting for the fireworks display! In fact I've had a bit of a time adjusting to the fact that this is summer and I'm not dying of the heat. It is far different back in Arkansas where many fireworks displays were cancelled due to the drought and the significant heat wave!

The day was incredibly relaxing. We ventured out to the lava fields and walked down the river trail to the falls. The trail was fantastic and the sight of that much rushing water is always awe inspiring. As I walked back towards the car I somehow found myself alone, in front of Dave and Maesin, who were leisurely walking. Even though I have the shortest legs on the planet I tend to always rush when I walk. As I'm rushing through my walk back to the vehicle where Kennedy was waiting I had a thought...My entire life was a simile of that walk. I rush through everything.

I don't know what to do with downtime. I don't take time to treasure each moment and instead rush to get through it to the next one. When I wake up each morning I think about getting through the day just so I can get back to sleep and hit the next day. Time is quickly passing me by and I cannot remember the last time I just stopped and enjoyed the moment.

When I watch a movie...I can't wait to get to the end so I can think about it, discuss it and be done. Work is the same way. I just get through it. There I was, on that incredible path and I rushed through it to be done. When I set out I thought about how much time it was going to take me to hike that mile and what I would do next. It is always about "next" and that makes me sad.

Kennedy has been here for little over three weeks and in five days she returns home. I may not get to see her until December. The time she has spent here as flown by and I don't know if I've truly savored any of those moments. I've gotten through them. We've done things but I don't think I've actually just stopped and been in the moment. It's always about the NEXT thing.

I'm one of those people who does something, gets through it and then wants to discuss it with my friends or family. But I didn't stop to ENJOY it while I was doing it. I didn't capture the moment and brand it into my heart and soul.

I tell people that I have the attention span of a gnat on meth and it is true. I can't concentrate for shit. I can't pay attention anymore and it has me wondering how I've let my spirit, mind and body turn into this mush. I'm like oatmeal without any brown sugar or flavor. I'm the instant oatmeal of life. It'll keep you alive but it won't nourish the brain and soul.

So how do I get that perspective? How do I enjoy each moment and commit those to memory? How do I treasure all the things that happen in my life and stop watching the clock? I always want something bigger and better without realizing that I have those things now and I'm just letting them slip away unnoticed.

I think my goal should be not to have any goals anymore. I want to just breathe and be. Be in the moment. Be in the feeling and stop rushing through everything. That's what I want to BE. Be in the now and Be good for myself and all those around me.