This note may be shocking for some but it is something that I have been pondering quite a lot in recent days and it is something that I need to get off my mind. My closest friends and family may know this about me but many of you will not. I don't know if many will even read this but here goes:
I have made really great strides in my life in recent months to gain peace in my life. I've learned many of what my triggers are in regards to confrontation, grief, anger and what my mind sometimes portrays as reality. I have to stop myself many times a day and truly think about what I perceive something to be because sometimes it is far different than what is reality.
Back in July/August I almost killed myself. That is hard to type and I imagine for my friends and family it is shocking to read. The first knee-jerk reaction is to think "What the heck?" or wonder why. I can't tell you why because I don't know. It is an alien concept to me now. But I do remember being locked into it then. I was depressed and my OCD/Anxiety kicked in to start a very viscious sleep deprivation cycle. If you have ever had a restless night's sleep and know how grumpy you were the next day...imagine going weeks without restful sleep. During a 3 week period I may have gotten 12 hours of sleep across those 3 weeks. Your mind becomes your very worst enemy and life becomes distorted.
I know the suicide is an EXTREMELY selfish thing. I know what it would have done to my parents, sisters, family and friends. But at the time I justified everything in my mind. I convinced myself that everyone would've been better off. That my daughters would have benefited more from my death than me being alive. As I sit here today I realize that is definitely not the case. It would have traumatized and ruined lives. I'm not saying that I'm that important or that the world would have been less of a place without me in it...well wait...yes I am saying that. I'm saying that because my family and friends would've never understood my selfish act. It would have hurt them. They would have blamed themselves even when others would have told them it wasn't their fault.
But my brain had convinced me that death was the answer. I don't know how it did it. I don't know why other than a long history of mental illness. I try to be upbeat and generally a regular gal but many people don't know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. From cutting/self- mutiliation to extremely destructive behaviors that were always enhanced by alcohol. I'm not blaming alcohol, the environment or life's twists and turns. I blame myself.
I've been on medications plenty throughout the years but came off everything except my anxiety medication two years ago. It really hit me hard. To make things worse I didn't have insurance when all of these things came to a head. I struggled. Dave struggled with trying to understand and cope with someone who was completely out of touch.
Mental illness has a horrible stigma. I couldn't talk to anyone because I didn't want it thrown in my face later. I couldn't trust anyone with what I was thinking because I didn't want to burden them and if I couldn't make sense of it...how could they? When you struggle with a mental illness the last thing you want is for someone to call you crazy. To think less of you. Maybe that is one of the problems. We worry too MUCH about what others think and don't place ourselves first when we need to be first the most.
I came very close to death several times during those weeks. My regular doctor did NOTHING to help me. I cried in his office and he brushed me aside. He was out of the door within 5 minutes. His nurse took more interest in my well being than he did. The fact is that regular doctors are not equipped to handle mental illness. And I know that I've tried more than 25 medications over my lifetime so it is hard to sometimes communicate this with a doctor who obviously wants you out of his office so he does not have to deal with it.
I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. I want YOU to understand. That laughing girl/guy who you enjoy so much may be struggling with some very deep issues and it can be tough. The people that you think are the most together...often are the ones falling apart. You only realize it AFTER something has happened.
I finally knocked myself into a well medicated sleep and took a lot of time to learn coping techniques. Now when someone says/writes something that upsets me...I stop and make myself wait. I really give myself time to react to what was said/written and then ask myself if they really meant it the way it came across or if I simply took it as something else. Words are tricky and sometimes a hostile, screaming person that is setting your temper off may just not know how to communicate what they are feeling at that moment. I try not to take anything personally unless that person tells me to take it personally.
I also have learned to avoid triggers to my anxiety. I know it will be a life long process but I've got the time so I might as well improve myself. I avoid too much alcohol because alcohol has lead to some of my worst life decisions. It wasn't alcohol's fault...it was mine for not knowing my own limits. I also learned to cut the negative people from my life. To cut the negative articles. The negative comments.
My battle with mental illness will never be over. It is something that I will struggle with every single moment of every single day. I do not know when my brain will become my own worst enemy. But I will no longer call myself "Crazy" and I will not allow anyone else to call me that either. I think that this world needs understanding and that we have to stop the stigma of mental illness if we are ever going to make progress towards a better human race.
I have made really great strides in my life in recent months to gain peace in my life. I've learned many of what my triggers are in regards to confrontation, grief, anger and what my mind sometimes portrays as reality. I have to stop myself many times a day and truly think about what I perceive something to be because sometimes it is far different than what is reality.
Back in July/August I almost killed myself. That is hard to type and I imagine for my friends and family it is shocking to read. The first knee-jerk reaction is to think "What the heck?" or wonder why. I can't tell you why because I don't know. It is an alien concept to me now. But I do remember being locked into it then. I was depressed and my OCD/Anxiety kicked in to start a very viscious sleep deprivation cycle. If you have ever had a restless night's sleep and know how grumpy you were the next day...imagine going weeks without restful sleep. During a 3 week period I may have gotten 12 hours of sleep across those 3 weeks. Your mind becomes your very worst enemy and life becomes distorted.
I know the suicide is an EXTREMELY selfish thing. I know what it would have done to my parents, sisters, family and friends. But at the time I justified everything in my mind. I convinced myself that everyone would've been better off. That my daughters would have benefited more from my death than me being alive. As I sit here today I realize that is definitely not the case. It would have traumatized and ruined lives. I'm not saying that I'm that important or that the world would have been less of a place without me in it...well wait...yes I am saying that. I'm saying that because my family and friends would've never understood my selfish act. It would have hurt them. They would have blamed themselves even when others would have told them it wasn't their fault.
But my brain had convinced me that death was the answer. I don't know how it did it. I don't know why other than a long history of mental illness. I try to be upbeat and generally a regular gal but many people don't know that I've struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. From cutting/self- mutiliation to extremely destructive behaviors that were always enhanced by alcohol. I'm not blaming alcohol, the environment or life's twists and turns. I blame myself.
I've been on medications plenty throughout the years but came off everything except my anxiety medication two years ago. It really hit me hard. To make things worse I didn't have insurance when all of these things came to a head. I struggled. Dave struggled with trying to understand and cope with someone who was completely out of touch.
Mental illness has a horrible stigma. I couldn't talk to anyone because I didn't want it thrown in my face later. I couldn't trust anyone with what I was thinking because I didn't want to burden them and if I couldn't make sense of it...how could they? When you struggle with a mental illness the last thing you want is for someone to call you crazy. To think less of you. Maybe that is one of the problems. We worry too MUCH about what others think and don't place ourselves first when we need to be first the most.
I came very close to death several times during those weeks. My regular doctor did NOTHING to help me. I cried in his office and he brushed me aside. He was out of the door within 5 minutes. His nurse took more interest in my well being than he did. The fact is that regular doctors are not equipped to handle mental illness. And I know that I've tried more than 25 medications over my lifetime so it is hard to sometimes communicate this with a doctor who obviously wants you out of his office so he does not have to deal with it.
I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. I want YOU to understand. That laughing girl/guy who you enjoy so much may be struggling with some very deep issues and it can be tough. The people that you think are the most together...often are the ones falling apart. You only realize it AFTER something has happened.
I finally knocked myself into a well medicated sleep and took a lot of time to learn coping techniques. Now when someone says/writes something that upsets me...I stop and make myself wait. I really give myself time to react to what was said/written and then ask myself if they really meant it the way it came across or if I simply took it as something else. Words are tricky and sometimes a hostile, screaming person that is setting your temper off may just not know how to communicate what they are feeling at that moment. I try not to take anything personally unless that person tells me to take it personally.
I also have learned to avoid triggers to my anxiety. I know it will be a life long process but I've got the time so I might as well improve myself. I avoid too much alcohol because alcohol has lead to some of my worst life decisions. It wasn't alcohol's fault...it was mine for not knowing my own limits. I also learned to cut the negative people from my life. To cut the negative articles. The negative comments.
My battle with mental illness will never be over. It is something that I will struggle with every single moment of every single day. I do not know when my brain will become my own worst enemy. But I will no longer call myself "Crazy" and I will not allow anyone else to call me that either. I think that this world needs understanding and that we have to stop the stigma of mental illness if we are ever going to make progress towards a better human race.
All I can say is that I do understand how you feel. I've walked that razor's edge myself several times in the past but I never took that last step. I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't have been able to get back in touch with my luvable Te'.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that I'm here if you ever need me. Don't hesitate to contact me by any means necessary. You are far too important.