Tao of Té – Moving Forward

Tao of Té – Moving Forward

 

It is exactly one week and some odd hours until my complete hysterectomy. Just typing those words is an ordeal because of all the things that are associated with it. Ever had a cancer scare? It sucks. Your mind acknowledges that the surgery is a medical necessity but you try to shove it to the back of the brain and just laugh it off.

But it is more than that.

I’ve had advice from a few women that had a hysterectomy early. The best advice comes from a long time family friend. She told me not to worry about Hormone Replacement Therapy, to not listen to others when they talk about the weight gain and that things will get better. My brain believes her but part of me is scared.

I’ve never had a major surgery before. I don’t consider my C-sections to be major because I was giving life to another human being and it was so matter of fact. But this time I will be going fully under and several major organs removed. There are many things that can go wrong and let me tell you…I’ve thought about every single one of them. I cannot help it. I’m a prepper by nature.  I am a very detailed planner. I take lots of notes on a daily basis and I have Anxiety and OCD out the whazoo. And it is my whazoo that I’m worried about.

This whole thing has ruptured my sense of peace and balance. The last few weeks have literally been hell on Earth for me with my relationship to Dave and now my health. How could my body betray me like this? Why have I not paid attention to the warning signs for years?

All these thoughts and more run through my mind. This is a loss of what makes me…well…ME. Without my female organs I am easily re-creatable.  Men make the transition to being female each and every day, the only exception in that gender swap is that doctors cannot give them ovaries and a uterus. But mine are being taken. So where does that leave me?

Okay I do have breasts but even those are starting to let me down. Ha! See I can still make fun of my age and sagging body.

I keep hearing these phrases: Life gets better. You will be a whole new woman. I felt fabulous afterwards and felt like a brand new woman.

I’m not at that stage yet. And barring one person, and that is the woman that I’ve known forever, everyone else saying that has kinda pissed me off. Most of the people who have mentioned it to me have not gone through it. They are just thinking how great it would be to not have cramps, a period each month or cysts. The other person who has said it to me has also not even once called me to talk to me about how I feel about this whole thing. She is the type of person that always twists EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION back to her. Oh whoa is her! She has this. She has that. She has suffered this. She has suffered that.

Wait…never mind. I don’t want to talk to her. And for the record she is not someone I consider family. Family calls you on your birthday. They send cards. They acknowledge you and are concerned for your welfare. This woman knows I am going to have to have surgery and STILL has not bothered to say one word to me regarding it. LAST BRIDGE BURNT! I LOVE my family and friends. I know that each and every one of them would be there holding my hand next Thursday if they could.

So here I sit, waiting for the next round of tests. Waiting for more doctors to weigh in on this life changing decision and I read constantly what others have written. It is a double edged sword.

And I am scared out of my mind. I have not slept well since Monday. I have not been hugged or told that everything is going to be okay. I have not been told, “Hey you will pull through it like a champ and you’ll laugh later about how nervous you are.”

 

So besides losing my inner peace, tranquility and ever lovin’ mind, I’m losing a piece of myself. And I have to find a way to get over that. I have to make it all click in my mind before it becomes “okay” to me. I may cry. I may get angry and I may lash out at people but just bear with me for a while. I’ll get back to being me. I’ll eventually reach that stage where I understand emotionally, mentally and psychologically that internal organs do not make you who you are. Until then I will just get through each day.

I will stay busy and get myself and my family prepared for the weeks to come. I’ll clean, go to doctor visits, have blood work done and I’ll bake. I’ll talk my friend’s ears off and rattle on about everything BUT how I am feeling. Because that is how I deal with things externally until I deal with them internally.

At least writing this down has helped me. I’ll get through this journey and I’ll be able to understand what makes it so hard on some and so easy for others.

 

So to my friends and family: just ride it out with me. I’m going to be a mess for a while but I’ll bounce back and be chipper again. I will but it will take time. The C word messes with your mind and psyche but it will not defeat me.