Tao of Té Part 4 - Life Continuing

The Tao of Té Part 4

So my house is quiet right now with Kennedy off at church and Maesin…well Maesin doing what Maesin does…and Dave is off in Atlanta for the next week.

My last post was hard because it was raw, deep, dark and very jagged. But it was cathartic to finally put it all out there in the open. I did not want to post ambiguous messages about what I was going through just to have people wonder what was going on in my life. I tend to be very open about every aspect of my life. It is just me. Some would say that I put my life on display and that some matters should be kept private. It just is not how I am. I used to be that way but it caused great inner turmoil. This way if I am upset with someone, they know it and cannot act shocked. Or in this case, they understand why I may not be acting quite like myself.

So nearly a week has passed and while my relationship is not 100%, it definitely is better. The underlying issue still causes me pain and I vowed to myself to let it remain in the past, but I did not. I reread the emails and such which, of course, opened the wound again.

But the funny thing is that the wound did not hurt nearly as much as it did a week ago. That tells me it will eventually heal and scar over. It will never go away but it will forever be a reminder that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I can love deeper and with more emotional connection than I ever was able to do so before.

That scar, and really any scar, should never be concealed. Scars remind us of things we survived in the past. I have a huge scar running down my stomach that I am the most proud of and treasure greatly. While it is not an emotional scar, as mentioned above, it is a physical scar that came to me through the birth of both my daughters. Motherhood is trying at the best of times, and frustrating at the worst, but it is something I love about my life.

Allow me to return to the topic on hand. Dave did indeed read the blog. I am quite sure he thought he would be walking into a home that evening that was completely broken and see me throwing my things into boxes.

I had cried bitterly that day. I cried enough that my ribs hurt and every breath came grudgingly. Then I hit the next stage: anger. I was incredibly angry at him and at one point it was probably a REALLY good thing he was at work because I may have hurt the boy. I was angry over what he had put me through emotionally and mentally for more than two years.

But I was even angrier at myself.

You see, I ALLOWED those things to happen. I did not value myself enough to step back, observe the situation distantly and then react. Instead I reacted, overreacted and was never at peace with anything or anyone. I was not able to see that I had no control over what Dave did in our relationship.

I can only control one person and that is me. Each action I make has a consequence: both good and bad. Each morning I have the ability to determine the outcome of my day. I cannot control someone else. If they want to be angry with me…then so be it. I can, however, control myself. Another person’s anger, jealousy, bitterness etc is not a reflection of me. IT IS A REFLECTION OF THEM.

Sounds pretty easy doesn’t it? Well it has taken a lot of time, meditation and distancing myself to be able to do that.

I will not always be successful with that endeavor each and every time. There will be times when my anger, pettiness or jealousy gets the better of me and I react in a negative fashion. I will then, hopefully, pause and reflect on what influenced me, internally, to do whatever it is I’m sure I will do.

I’m not a perfect being. I do not know of anyone that is anywhere close. But that is the beauty of life. We all have perfect moments. Moments where it all comes together and the universe sings in harmony and we suddenly have that glimpse into what true peace and love can actually become.

 

Now I’m not a hippy. I’m not one of those touchy feely gurus. I just have a lot of scars built up over time that I can reflect on and hopefully learn from.

As for my marriage and relationship: it is one day at a time. Dave made real progress this week in dealing with some of the huge surface issues. The deeper issues are his alone to work through. He made it very clear that he would do anything to repair the break and help mend our relationship. I believe him because I choose to believe him.

Not once did I ever tell him, “It’s okay.” And if you ever find yourself hurt by another, you should never, NEVER say it. Telling another person that hurt you that “it’s okay” is telling them that it is okay to hurt you. It does not mean that your forgive them and are moving on. So if someone hurts you, tell them, “I forgive you” or “I accept your apology.”

This week I want to stop hurting myself. I want to stop rereading those horrid emails that make my heart seize up and my emotions tremble. I may not be successful but it is just a work in progress.

Grief takes time and never truly leaves us. The loss of my father taught me that and Dave’s betrayal taught me that as well. But grief can be a tool that we use to remember why we love someone enough that it hurts. If it doesn’t hurt then it is not love. That sounds horrible on the surface but think about it. If you did not truly love someone, you would not be hurt by their loss or their actions.

 

When we love someone we give them an intimate map of our soul. We also hand them the ability to hurt us beyond all comparison. I hope to hurt again in my life because it means that I have continued to love others and even when they are gone from this life, and into the next or simply are gone, I know my heart has been touched, scars have formed and memories have been made.