It has been a little while since I last posted a blog. It isn't because I did not have much to say. On the contrary, at times I have had too much to say. Life throws us curve balls and often keeps us busy. So much so that you begin to lose track of the moments and it blends into weeks before you have realized that so much time has passed.
It happens to the best of us and often at the worst times. We set out to do something and then, somehow, become distracted with the daily, mundane chores of life. It becomes a cycle of alarm clocks awakening us at dawn, showering and then moving on to work.
Work, in and of itself, is a cycle. You work, take a break, work, take a lunch and then continue on in the same pattern for a set number of days. Each evening you come home, depress and try to relax but your eye remains on the clock. Each tick of the hand reminds you that you need to wind down and get ready for bed so that you can begin a new day.
It is called life.
When I was younger I was always thinking about what lay ahead. When I was 17, all I could think about was graduating and moving on into the life of a grand 18 year old. Then it was my 20's. 21 was a passing day on the radar and wasn't something grand to be celebrated. I had two children by the next roll of the calendar and life then became about watching their age milestones.
As the girls have grown, and I've weathered life, things are starting to shift again. Yes...my days are still ticked off to the sound of a second hand but there are moments now when I stop and think. I ponder the things that really make life meaningful.
At one time I believed that a career is what "defined" who you were. I was wrong.
At one time I believed that money was what brought happiness, and I was only partially wrong, because money allows you the time to enjoy the things that you want. I'll never want a big mansion with luxurious items because I'm pretty dang content with what I have and have never been a cumulative type of person. I just want enough money to easily pay my bills, allow me to put some in savings and still have a recreational "fun" fund.
But back on the subject of time and life. Tomorrow marks 8 months since I last talked to my father. Seeing his marker today, through pictures, brought all things home once again. It hurts. I won't lie. But what struck me the most is that there will eventually be a day that I don't count down each month from the last time I spoke with him. The last time I saw him. And the day he died.
Don't get me wrong. November 8th will always stand out for me just as my parent's anniversary, my father's birthday. Christmas. Thanksgiving. Easter. 4th of July. All of those days become very significant once someone passed on. It is the little things you take for granted previously that suddenly become incredibly important.
Ah...Life. What a fickle bitch she can be. Or a bastard. Whichever gender you prefer works the same as the other.
Life can screw you over if you don't pay careful attention. And attention is what most of us never pay enough due. When is the last time you paid attention to the sun as it beamed through the trees and simply stopped for a moment? I'm not talking about when you are out relaxing or doing something recreational. I'm talking about when you are at your busiest. Such as when you are racing to the car to beat traffic just in order to make it to work with a few minutes to spare.
Sometimes when I am alone at night I wonder when I last looked up and took that moment. That moment when my daughters are trying my patience. That moment when a customer has gotten snippy with me. That one brief opportunity to notice the sun when it counted the most.
I wonder what my coworkers think of me. I probably come off as goofy and silly most of the time. And there is good reason for that. I'm greatly influenced by the emotion around me. I want people to laugh, to be carefree when they have every reason not to be. I want my time with people to be joyful. To some I might seem flighty and superfluous. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination. My mind is constantly analyzing and examining things from many perspectives.
But I learned 8 months ago that time is a precious commodity. One moment you are here and the next you are gone. That's far too much a roll of the dice on such a fickle lady such as Life. I might get bitchy at times. I might become short and be in a foul temper. But those moments do not last long. I've learned that I can only control myself.
I cannot control my family. I cannot control Dave, Kennedy, Maesin or any one else. I can only control my actions and reactions. I still fight my fear of other people. I still am a people pleaser that secretly quakes each time I have to talk to someone else. But I'm not changing. I can adapt and look at the situations in a different light.
Here is an example: I know there are people that dislike me intensely. I cannot change that. I do not want to change that. That is their problem and not mine. All I can do is be me. I may think I'm am the most awesome, super cool chica on the entire planet but there are a few that disagree. (I know that is hard to believe but yes...some people are turned off by my incredibly demeanor.)
I guess the root of all this is this: life is about moments. Moments become the sum of our entire existence. One day I will no longer be here but the moments I share with others will always remain. Somewhere, someone will reminisce with a smile and think about something we shared. One day I will become a reminder on the calendar and that is fantastic. It is fantastic because I will mean something to someone enough that they never forget a special day.
But until then, I will keep reminding myself to be happy. It really is that simple. Count your blessings all you want but it is often by counting the less fortunate things in life that we truly appreciate what we have right in front of us. If you get mad at someone...get over it because ultimately it is your own anger you have to deal with and reign in. Frustrated? Take a deep breath and take a look up at the sunshine as it comes through the trees.
Namasté
