Sometimes It's the Little Things Found at IDGAF Lane near the Crossroad of GFY

I knew before I traveled to Arkansas to visit my family that returning would be difficult. I would be coming back to my home that I love but I would be leaving behind friends and family that I had not seen in over a year. It was far tougher than I imagined it would be for a variety of reasons.

The first was that I didn't get to visit enough of my friends that I wanted. My best friend didn't come over, Autumn couldn't come up due to illness, Whitney due to a car and so on and so forth. I did see my sister Sasha and Courtney (twice) and I did spend some very quality time with Mom, Dad, Grandma, Edward, Jim, Lexxy, Slayton, Tisha and Meagan. Oh and I spent several wonderful hours with my oldest friend Kerri as we sipped out drinks at the golf course and gossiped. Good times!!

But counteract all of that goodness with some very harsh realities:

• My dad is very sick and everyone is stressed about how to handle everything. What if something happens while I'm here?
• My best friend has pretty much deserted me. I can't remember the last time she actually picked up the phone to call without me initiating it, and lately has been kinda an ass thanks to a guy. I realize she's just trying to cope and work things out but...no need to be a dick to me and completely ignore me. It hurts and it sucks. I feel like I have lost my best friend in the entire world and nothing I say or do seems to matter anymore.
• My husband was laid off and now we are trying to move, find new jobs etc. All this on top of my daughter's school starting in two weeks and her having to move schools. It is very stressful.
• I'm starting a new work schedule that is killer but I'm going to have to give my notice and there is a good chance I'll just be let go.

I feel alone and that is really a bad place to be because I feel incredibly bitter. I'm angry about the cat peeing on my carpet. I'm pissed about my daughter becoming a teenager and taking out her hormones and rebellion on me. I miss my oldest daughter intensely. I'm frustrated that the housework around here is not getting done unless I do it on top of working.

And I'm frightened that my husband is very sick and we don't know what is wrong. All these things have brought me to this Friday afternoon of being about one twig short of the whole tree crashing down.

I'm pretty sure all it would take is someone attempting to go off on me for me to go Hiroshima at this point. I need to vent. Fuck it all...I know this. I need to get a thousand things off my chest and have absolutely no one that will listen. I don't need solutions to these problems...I just need an ear.

Not all my blogs are funny. Not all are ranting. Some are just an explanation of what is going on in my life. It's a good way for me to look back and see if I ever did make it out of the miasma of fog that is perpetually surrounding me.
Let's hope so because my anxiety is through the roof and all I want to do is sit back, flip everyone off and say, "SUCK IT BITCHES!!"

Estrogen in the Workplace

So I recently returned to a normal workplace atmosphere because I was driving myself nuts writing from home. I am fed up with writing for other people on topics that would drive a snail to the Salt Flats (for you slow types...that's suicide for snails and slugs.)

Wow that was a bit bitchy wasn't it? I'm ashamed of myself. Actually I'm not but it is a wonderful segue into Estrogen in the Workplace and my return to a call center type environment. I should strike those words because the owner does not feel that it is a "call center" and instead labels it as a "answering service." Ooookaaaay. Moving on.

Large call centers answering services usually have quite a large staff. This one has maybe 20 people? And I realize all work environments do come with their own fair share of drama, especially when you are not dealing in specialized environments. And even those do have the gossip/rumor mill. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, is quite like a call center environment. Granted there are lots of women working in them and while I try to be gender neutral I will be the first to admit that women create drama. We gossip. We bitch. And we talk about others. Well I don't but you bitches do. I was blessed with the IDGAF gene. I just want to go to work, keep busy, laugh and joke around and then go home. Believe it or not, I am very NICE at work. I am polite. I am cordial and usually humming a tune. I try to foster a good atmosphere because I'm very empathetic. I am greatly affected by the shitty attitudes of others and I fucking HATE drama. Why? It's because it keeps me up at night and I worry over it. I'm an OCD nut to the extreme.

Another secret fact about myself...I worry when someone doesn't like me. Well, I worry some. Okay...I worry a little. Okay okay Kat...I dont' worry much at all. It's that gene thing. (Ha Kat...I knew you'd be laughing to yourself about that one.)

But back to the new job. It is so fucking estrogen laden that you cannot say anything to anyone else. Everyone dislikes someone else but would never say anything to their face. I wanted so fracking bad to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with some of the gals there tonight but I held my tongue.

This is especially true when they gather together in a hen pecking circle and start trying to pass off that they don't talk about each other behind each other's back! Each one was talking about how honest they were! When none of them are. They all gossip. I've been there a month and already I see how each treats the other. I can pick out about 5 that truly have fantastic integrity. They just laugh, carry on about their day and don't participate in the drama.

Why women? Why do we do this to ourselves! We are the exact stereotypes we all say we hate. There isn't a woman I know that doesn't swear she hates drama, gossip and backstabbing yet there are very few that aren't guilty of it. I'll even hold my own hand up. I'm guilty of it at times. I love listening to the dirt on someone else and that is just as bad as the one saying it. I love gossiping with my BFF about everyone. So really I'm not better off. I just don't do it at work.

Today I had a mini Hiroshima at work due to frustration over an imperfect software system. I snapped a bit and bitched about some of the things I've noticed. And of course once I cooled down I realized that it really wasn't those girls fault. It was my own for being short tempered and not placing myself in their place. (Yes fuckers...I can be grown up occasionally!) Too late though. The damage was done. In my venting I didn't pay attention to who was nearby. She immediately ran inside and started yapping.

So hours pass and then two of the people are wanting to know if I'm mad at them. Or if they did anything to piss me off. How do I tell them "Yes...you pissed me off. No, I don't dislike you. I just think you have handled some situations in a less than positive manner and I've had to take the shit for you." So now I'm in that awkward position of trying to make them feel okay while just shaking my head.

This has reminded me that work is a place for just earning money, shooting the shit, doing your job occasionally and then clocking out. The key to great workplace happiness is never hanging out after work, never talking about another employee and just keeping your head down. Because when Estrogen is flowing then the bitches gotta be talking.

Oh and Men...you guys can be bitches too. Don't think you don't have gossip and drama!

Phrases I Loathe

It is my day off and as usual I found myself up at the butt crack of dawn. It really sucks having insomnia. I'm pretty sure every evil thing that goes wrong in my life can be attributed to lack of sleep. Hair problems? Lack of sleep. Sex problems? Lack of sleep. ADHD? Lack of sleep. I get the whole aging thing but it doesn't mean I have to fucking like it. Suck it old age!!

For several weeks now I've been pondering phrases that make me see red. A couple have actually been directed to sweet, lil ol' moi. Imagine that indignity! Fuck a duck. I mean come on...bitches gotta hate but they don't have to be juvenile about it. So here are the phrases I hate the most and my response to them.

1. Who the fuck do you think you are? (This tops the list)

Well...I think I'm Shonte' and I'm pretty sure that I'm a Goddess in my world so that would essentially make me the ruler of everything. No, I did not wake up this morning and forget who I am.

Why do people say this? What point is there in asking this rhetorical question? Obviously it is a slight meant to infer that you do not have power over the speaker. I get that. But since I'm a Goddess I don't give a fuck.

2. Eat a Dick. (Usually followed by Cunt, Bitch or Whore)

This statement is usually thrown out by a very insecure crack whore. Okay I don't know if the person is a crack whore but I love saying that phrase. "Crack whore" or "Meth whore" are personal favorites because it conjures to mind a pock marked hooker that hasn't showered in weeks and is the town bike. But I digress.  Guys don't say this because it is one of their greatest fears. No guy likes some chick chomping down on his man bits and giggle berries. Only women toss this one out and there is only one response: Roll your eyes and say "Really? Really?"

3. Get over yourself.

Why should I get over myself? I like myself finally and have accepted that there may be one or two people on this entire Earth that do not feel the same way. Once again I understand the connotation to this remark. The speaker wants to demean the other and make them feel insignificant. Not gonna fucking work bitches because I need to direct you to #1 where I explain that I'm a Goddess. I can "get over" situations. I can "get over" life...but I'm not going to get over myself.

4. You can't tell me what to do.

Yes. I. Can. In fact if I just told you something...I did in fact tell you what to do. You, however, have this wonderful thing called free will in which you can decide whether or not to act. My response when someone tells me to go do something is a simple "yes" or "no." Nothing pisses off people more than one word responses. I love them when they aren't directed at me.

5. I feel sorry for... (your kids, your husband, your family, your friends, your dog..etc.) for being with you.

This is the only statement where I can almost become physically violent. I KNOW I should never use physical violence but this one will almost cause me to Hiroshima on someone. It is the unforgivable phrase to utter to me because I NEVER forget it. This isn't actually about feeling sorry for someone. It is trying to feel superior to them. I had a crack whore say this about my daughters simply because I told her to stop contacting me and my husband. She called me deranged for stating that a police officer showed up at my house looking for her. Uh..hello? A cop did show up.

This statement is the worst thing anyone can say to another because it is vile. You are dragging others into a verbal sparring match and it is always said by someone that has ZERO clue about your life.

Expressing sympathy, empathy and regret towards someone is fine. Feeling sorry for someone because of a situation is fine. But making this statement with the intent to make you feel like you are less than what you are or somehow you affect others badly...just wrong.

The bad thing is I've been guilty of these statements. I used to swear never to drop the "C" word at someone and I've used it a few times. I was mad. Do I regret it? Nope not one bit. The bitch deserved it and that is exactly what she was acting like. I've delivered it to a few guys as well.

We all get mad at people and sometimes it breaks down into a verbal, or written, argument. It's life. It happens to the best of us. And these are just the phrases that tweak my buttons and make me roll my eyes and say, "Really? Really? You can't do any better than this?"

Full Circle

I've been struck with ennui lately. (Ha Grammar Nazi's...there's your $3.00 word!) This complete lassitude has been in regards to life in general. I realized there was more to it than just my complete disinterest in the world and I finally pegged exactly what it was that was wrong. My best friend has deserted me. Okay...no not really. She's my best super friend forever and would never ditch me but she has been busy with her life and I don't begrudge her one freaking iota of her happiness. But it does allow me to say a huge "HA MOTHERFUCKING HA HA HA!!" to her and this I will happily do. Allow me to elaborate.

As BFF extraordinaire we are gifted with responsibilities and virtues. The first responsibility is to always blame any testicles for problems. I don't care how badly I've fucked up...Kat will blame Dave. Even if we both know that I'm the one to blame she will take my side and that is as it should be. The same goes for taking sides. The girl has my back. The only exceptions to the Ultimate BFF is if one is doing something irrevocably harmful. Then the BFF is obligated to swoop in, smack the back of the head and straighten the shit out.

Now allow me to elaborate on what has been happening and why I'm cackling maniacally with glee. I've known Kat for roughly 8 years of thick, thin, hell and high water. She's been with me through numerous bad dates and failed marriages. I've been with her through the birth of a complete cutie and her divorce and her move. She's been with me for my move as well.

But now...oh now we are entering into territory I've been waiting YEARS for. My dearest BFF is in love. And this is not your run of the mill love. This is OIL love. Yep readers...that is Once in a Lifetime Love. When we first met she told me of her past relationship with Mr. X before her husband. And then when she divorced she told me of their rekindled friendship. I just lifted an eyebrow and kept my musings to myself. I would wait this hand out patiently.

Now their relationship is far from easy and there are a lot of rocky times but...this is what I've been waiting for. When I went batshit insane about Dave and constantly talked about him to Kat...I know she had to want to roll her eyes and gag over the mushy crap. I know I bugged the shit out of her with my talk of true love and all that emotional oohh la la. I know I faded out of existence for a while when he was around because he took up most of my energy and she patiently waited me out. She has always been there to listen to me. When he fucked up...she was right there telling me what an ass he was. When I fucked up...she was right there telling me what an ass he was. That is what a TRUE best friend does.

So now for her OIL that I've been patiently awaiting. I knew, despite her protests, that she'd get into a relationship again one day. I knew I just had to be patient because her happiness was right around the corner. She couldn't see it at the time but I knew that eventually the OIL would happen. And it did.

I'm so happy for my BFF that I have grinned all day. I can now be the BFF that tells her what a screw up he is when he makes her angry or sad (all while thinking in my head that it's probably an overreaction...because I know she's thought the same thing but we both will never say it!). I get to make gagging motions to my husband because of all the syrupy sweet things they do. All while giving him the stink eye because he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.

I cannot WAIT till those two fuckers get married because I get to see my best friend in the entire world finally have a marriage that she's been waiting for. And I'll pull him aside and give him the "talk" about what happens if he ever hurts her and the "talk" about how to handle her the best.

Do I want to tell her to go slow and take it easy? Hell fuck no! Girl...run to that happiness and soak up every single moment of it that you can. You deserve it! Let him rock your world and make the sky turn nine shades of red! Life is about seizing every single moment that you can and BEING in that moment.

And don't for one minute think you are being a bad friend by not listening to my day because you've been there enough for me and this is your time to shine. I don't feel pushed out...I feel warm and fuzzy and happy that you have your OIL!

So readers...take this message from this posting to heart. Never lament when a friend moves on with her life. Instead celebrate it and know that the BFF position changes constantly. One moment you are the one threatening to cut off cahones and the next...you are grinning because you can spot the arguments a mile away and know that your BFF has so much in store.

Mamacita I love you!! Now get married so I can come back to the South and visit!!!

Next

It was my first 4th of July here in Bend and it was spectacular. I've never lived any place where I was actually chilly while waiting for the fireworks display! In fact I've had a bit of a time adjusting to the fact that this is summer and I'm not dying of the heat. It is far different back in Arkansas where many fireworks displays were cancelled due to the drought and the significant heat wave!

The day was incredibly relaxing. We ventured out to the lava fields and walked down the river trail to the falls. The trail was fantastic and the sight of that much rushing water is always awe inspiring. As I walked back towards the car I somehow found myself alone, in front of Dave and Maesin, who were leisurely walking. Even though I have the shortest legs on the planet I tend to always rush when I walk. As I'm rushing through my walk back to the vehicle where Kennedy was waiting I had a thought...My entire life was a simile of that walk. I rush through everything.

I don't know what to do with downtime. I don't take time to treasure each moment and instead rush to get through it to the next one. When I wake up each morning I think about getting through the day just so I can get back to sleep and hit the next day. Time is quickly passing me by and I cannot remember the last time I just stopped and enjoyed the moment.

When I watch a movie...I can't wait to get to the end so I can think about it, discuss it and be done. Work is the same way. I just get through it. There I was, on that incredible path and I rushed through it to be done. When I set out I thought about how much time it was going to take me to hike that mile and what I would do next. It is always about "next" and that makes me sad.

Kennedy has been here for little over three weeks and in five days she returns home. I may not get to see her until December. The time she has spent here as flown by and I don't know if I've truly savored any of those moments. I've gotten through them. We've done things but I don't think I've actually just stopped and been in the moment. It's always about the NEXT thing.

I'm one of those people who does something, gets through it and then wants to discuss it with my friends or family. But I didn't stop to ENJOY it while I was doing it. I didn't capture the moment and brand it into my heart and soul.

I tell people that I have the attention span of a gnat on meth and it is true. I can't concentrate for shit. I can't pay attention anymore and it has me wondering how I've let my spirit, mind and body turn into this mush. I'm like oatmeal without any brown sugar or flavor. I'm the instant oatmeal of life. It'll keep you alive but it won't nourish the brain and soul.

So how do I get that perspective? How do I enjoy each moment and commit those to memory? How do I treasure all the things that happen in my life and stop watching the clock? I always want something bigger and better without realizing that I have those things now and I'm just letting them slip away unnoticed.

I think my goal should be not to have any goals anymore. I want to just breathe and be. Be in the moment. Be in the feeling and stop rushing through everything. That's what I want to BE. Be in the now and Be good for myself and all those around me.

The Friend Zone? Ways to Tell He is Interested in You

So I recently read an article on Jezebel ( you can read it here it is by Samantha Irby) about the Bro' Zone. It is that magical place females find themselves when they lust/love a guy but he considers her just a friend. All of you kats and kittens know what I'm talking about. Most women at some point in their lives has received the "talk" about not wanting to ruin a great friendship or you are his hang out buddy. Don't even fucking deny it bitches because I know you are lying if you do!

All joking aside...we, females, do it all the time to guys. I know I have certainly been guilty of it. Yes...I have deliberately put a guy into the friend zone because I truly liked his friendship. Yes...I have put a guy into the friend zone because he did shit for me. I have had my fair share (no I'm not listing a number but we'll say it is higher than 1) of F*ck Buddies. Those are the guys you don't want to hang out with, you don't want them doing anything for you other than a quick round of bed play. They don't get to stay the night and you never tell most of your friends. Hell...I've had one that I never even told my BEST FRIEND! Yep...man he was so totally not what I'd pick out for myself. Even pretending to be his friend irritated the piss out of me. He was atrocious but hey...it was a low point in my life. But enough about that. My sexual conquests are certainly interesting but I'm getting off track.

Here is the thing: if you do not want to be put into the Friend Zone then you have to know the signs. This is for guys and girls. These are some tips that will help you stay clear of that murky area where heartache and angst lie in wait. Now if you can certainly apply this to the Friends with Benefits Zone as well. They are interchangeable.

1. Don't Aim Too High! Guys: if you can't: shower on a daily basis, brush your teeth, consider homemade tattoos "cool", think a business degree can be attained in two weeks via an Internet course, are a sociopathic drug user that looks like the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz except 50 lbs lighter, or just attend way too many comic book conventions...you aren't going to get a supermodel. You aren't going to be dating the Homecoming Queen. You aren't going to get that insanely hot chick that looks like Megan Fox but stars in pornos. A recent study showed that a huge majority of men (even the butt ugly ones) always think they can win the supermodels and Homecoming Queens. They always shoot too high and clearly outside their social, economic, political and environmental status quo. AND THEN BITCH BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND A "DECENT" WOMAN!! Be realistic. The same holds true for women. Nice personalities only go so far. If you look like a troll (and not one of the cute ones with the standing hair) then you are not going to get the Brad Pitt. The only exception to this rule is money. If you have a lot of money then...fuck you can have whoever you want.
2. You Get Asked to Attend a Wedding and You Aren't Dating: No one likes to show up at a wedding alone. It kinda makes you feel like an outsider and a bit pathetic because someone will ask about your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife at some point and you either have to lie or just admit that you are single. With cats. But if you get asked to a wedding by a guy/girl you aren't dating exclusively....you are now in the Friend Zone. Two types of people go to weddings together: Buddies and those in Relationships. Know the difference and you'll go far.
3. Internet: Yes, I have to take it there. Now granted I do know many successful stories of people that have met through the Internet. Some have reconnected over the years and some have been new meetings. But for every successful romance I can give you 100 stories of guys/girls looking for a quick hookup. Granted there are more guys doing the trolling than girls but it still happens. Taken men use the Internet because it is safer than trolling bars and laundromats. You should always weigh that new connection with a very doubting mind. Oh and always ask for a current picture with a newspaper! Oh and a background check! Oh and always ask if he is currently a meth head user/dealer! Just some quick tips :)
4. Last Minute Calls: Listen, we all have things that come up at the last minute but if someone truly wants to be with you and values your time...he/she will schedule beforehand. Friends are the ones that get the biggest leeway in this department because it is almost always a casual invitation. If he calls you to come over to a party, but didn't mention it beforehand and he's drunk when he calls, he probably thinks of you as a friend (probably with benefits.) It's the truth.

Now...here is the real truth. If you do not want to be in the Friend Zone/Friends with Benefits department is all boils down to how you present yourself. I know some fantastic ladies that always have this inherent dignity that just exudes from their perfect pores. I, however, am not one of these people and I tend to learn all my lessons the hard way. I'm getting better all the time. I'm like fine wine baby! Or cheese...ya probably more like cheese.

The simplest solution is to not play the guessing game. When I want to know if Dave likes me....I ask. When we were dating I didn't play coy and I didn't assume anything. I told him that if he liked me he would have to tell me because my signals always steer me wrong. We even came up with our own code words to express certain sentiments.

Life is pretty hard and the talking monkey's make it even harder. We spend so much time "inferring" emotion, sentiment, thought and action that we often miss exactly what is in front of our face. If we would just ask the right questions and take the answers at face value...we'd be pretty well off. Obviously we wouldn't be in politics though! Ha I kill me.

Psst...it really isn't me...it is you!

I know I have laxed a bit in the posting but I really didn't feel I had anything important to say. Well...that isn't true. I always think I have important things to say but when I review them...they all come up sounding trite. Blech on all that junk. But I do have something I have been pondering the last few weeks and feel a need to confess: I'm a lurker.

Yes, I am a lurker. I read news stories daily and I always span through the comments. I Google things and I read the reviews. I look through forums for tid bits of information but really there are two areas of the Internet that draw me in. It is comments on news articles/postings and its Craiglist's Rants & Raves.

News articles/postings can sometimes make me shake my head. I've posted things on Facebook before that were purely sarcastic and humorous (at least to me and that's all I fucking worry about) but there have been some commenter's that completely missed it. Now before jumping my shit and arguing please bear in mind that I'm a sarcastic bitch of the 9th degree. I haven't attained level 10 yet but I'm working on it. Some argue that sarcasm is the last bastion of the simple minded in response to a verbal or mental attack. Horseshit! Do you know how hard it is to find the right appropriate sarcastic response to any given situation?? It takes years of dedicated practice, a thorough knowledge of pop culture, memes and other retarded monkey fodder. It takes patience and delivery. Not every comment is sarcastic otherwise you'll have burn out. You have to wait for the right moment and it has to be flawlessly delivered. A cough, sneeze or hiccup can ruin it and leave you looking like a moron. And you have to tailor the intelligence level to the audience. It's hard fucking work.

Now back to what I was blathering about. News articles really have let me down. I realize true journalism is dead. There is NO such thing as an unbiased article...especially on the web. It is not possible. If you can find me ONE completely unbiased article that is factual, not inducing the public to lean any way but to make up their own minds (ha fucking ha) then I'll post a picture of Dave naked in a tutu. (Note: My husband doesn't read my blogs or I'd be center of Hiroshima if he caught wind of this so let's just keep that between you and I. We're all friends here :)) Okay so on second thought no naked pictures of Dave because I value my life and fear reprisal. Instead I'll post a picture of Meeka and Suki reenacting the Lion King.

But regardless of the biased nature of news stories...it is the comments that leave me shaking my head and rejoicing that I sent in my resignation letter to humanity more than five years ago. Being part of talking monkeys is not my idea of impressive and if you read enough news commenter's...you'll join me. Hell we can book a ticket off the planet for the poo slingers. Granted there are some that are logical, polite and grasped the meaning of the article. The other 98% are trolls who invariably get off topic and somehow race, sexual orientation, economics and politics are brought up. It could be an article on slugs invading England and some idiot poo slinger will miss the point of the article.

I went to a very small school but I rejoice every single day for the quality of my education. Yes...my grammar sucks but that is why I have editors. :) They help me all the time. I write and they polish. But my wonderful teachers through elementary and high school taught me how to read something and understand it. My college professors helped that skill along further. Sadly that is a skill that some have not learned.

Now for Craigslist Rants and Raves...that is one jacked up website. I don't care what city you pick it is nothing but trolls of the worst kind. It is either far left or far right politics that are as close to factually based as I am to walking to the moon. That website teaches me that people who hide behind an anonymous posting have no input. Otherwise they would put their name behind it and stand behind their convictions. It also reminds me which people will make my zombie survival team and which ones will be used as cannon fodder/ bait.

The only people I find more detestable are the Internet Grammar Nazi's. Really? I mean REALLY? Does it matter that fucking much if someone used "its" instead of "it's?" That is the one type of person I have to physically restrain myself from punching them in the face. Correcting someone to their face is a bit bolder but it certainly is not safer. If you happen to be a Grammar Nazi do yourself and your face a favor and just don't be a douche bag. It's pretty much on par with reprimanding someone for using the wrong fucking fork. It does not make you look more intelligent but it does help those party invitations from arriving because the reality is no one likes a giant grammar correcting douche.

Okay so there is my rant and rave. There were other things going on in my life the last couple of weeks that could have made the blog (i.e. psycho, meth whore) but that lasted about .02 nano seconds of my time and effort. :)

Mondays are universally loathed in my household and for good reason. They suck. Now normally I do not have a problem with Mondays. They afford me some peace and quiet after the long weekend. Since technically there really is not a "start" and an "end" day to my workweek...I just float along. Today the dreaded Monday has hit in full force. You'll have to pardon any mistakes you find in this blog but I really don't give a flying fuck. It is all Mondays' fault.

Okay so maybe it is not Mondays. It could be the realization that I'm no spring chicken anymore. I'm not into the twilight years...THANK JEEBUS...but I'm past that first fanciful blush of youth. As I get older I realize there are just certain things that happen as the body begins that long, downward spiral into senility and frailty.

Sleep

This is the first thing to desert you as you get older. I love sleep. I truly do and I miss it so. In high school I would have listed sleeping as my favorite hobby. I'm sure my parents could attest to many wasted days of me just sleeping.

As I've gotten older that trusted friend has stabbed me in the back! I can't sleep in past 7am. Most days I begin to wake up around 5:30. And I have to go to bed around 9 p.m. but I don't fall asleep until after 10 p.m. It sucks. Naps are great but you know that a nap will completely jack your sleep schedule. I made that mistake yesterday and as a result didn't get to sleep till 4am and was up at 7 am. I'm pretty much a zombie today.

Your Body Betrays You

I never quite understood why older people groaned and moaned all the time. I do now. I also never understood back problems until now. Where the hell did my body go wrong? I don't have wrinkles...I have canyons. And motherfucker...if I find the piece of crap who told me that I'd grow out of acne and pimples I would beat him/her into the ground. Lying sack of garbage! Isn't it bad enough that I have wrinkles but to add insult to injury I still get acne!

The Miscellaneous Insults

And here is another thing about getting older that I just had to shake my head at the other day. When you are young you worry about how your bedroom smells. You want it to be fresh and clean. You don't want it to smell like sex, dirty socks, dust or have any funk. Wanna know what my bedroom smells like? Lavender and Icy Hot. Yep - not an appealing fragrance I know. Lavender is because I'm addicted to it and I think it helps me try to gain more precious hours of sleep. Icy Hot because I'm pretty sure Dave tried to kill me a few weeks ago when he stepped on my back. That bastard! I'm just teasing baby!!

I could go on and on about the myriad small things that mark the beginning of the end but I won't. You already know them and if you don't then...bless your lil dumb heart..you'll know in ten years or so.

F*CK You Cosmo!

I have a deep, dark confession to make. I read self-help books, magazines and websites frequently. I do and I cannot help myself. Somehow each time I am fooled into thinking that this is going to be the one that actually works! This article is the key to my entire life! This website is going to make me better, stronger, faster etc. Each time I walk away saddened. Much like I'm sure Newt Gingrich feels after a run at the presidential election. It just doesn't seem to work.

The problem, I believe, is that all self-help books, magazines and websites treat us like we are 5 years old and that every problem is black and white. We aren't and it isn't. Your man isn't doing the dishes? Talk to him and explain what the problem is and how you feel. Ya...right fucker. You want to know the outcome of THAT conversation? He looks at you like you are a complete moron, you two have a fight over some freaking dishes and you spend the next few days miserable. The real world answer to that particular issue is pretty simple: either you do them or you don't. If he wants a clean dish he will eventually get he point or you will eventually cave in. The best case scenario is one where he hires a cleaning service but don't get your hopes up.

This leads me to what I believe to be the source of all discontentment in women's lives...magazines such as Cosmopolitan. Yep, you read that right - Cosmo is the bane of your existence and mine. If you are over the age of 30 you already know I am right and you know why. If you are younger than 30 you may still be blinded by the light. So allow me to bring you into the darkness of reality.

The US population, a quick figure, is roughly at 311,591,917. Roughly over half of that is female giving us a female population of 155, 795,958 women. From there you could estimate the ages and races but I don't give enough of a crap to warrant that kind of math. So let's just go with 155 million women.

How many of those 155 million women are below a size 6, live in New York City, and are single? No guess? I don't know. That's why I asked you. There are no real statistics on that question. I guess I could make one up - so let's go with 1 million and I'm being EXTREMELY generous. Cosmo reports that it has a monthly subscription of 3,021,720.

WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS CAUSING 2,021,720 WOMEN TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS RAG WHEN IT DOES NOT APPLY TO THEM?

Let's forget about the readers who pick up a copy at the checkout stand and instead focus on the subscribers. The cost is not much. It is roughly about 12.00 a year. 1.00 an issue at the cheapest online magazine subscription company. But that is 1.00 to make you feel less than you are. Send me 1.00 and I will guarantee that I will write a blog each month focusing on clothing that you aren't going to actually wear in Seattle, Washington or Little Rock, Arkansas. I'll write in a paragraph about the sex positions you already know about but gained a kink in your back trying simply because someone told you that it would increase your power with men.

Here is the truth no matter how many women and men chime in on how Cosmo can improve your relationship/life/bedroom circus antics etc: Men flinch when you open that magazine. Why? Because it will instantly fill your head full of doubt. You will not become empowered. You will try out the sex positions and then wonder why he is looking scared. You will think about buying some of the products and clothing they are shilling but in the end will decide that your own personal style is what you prefer. But only after you've spent money. Mmm...think that is what Cosmo is after? Money? Perhaps by making you and me feel inferior Cosmo understands that you will continue to buy the magazine in hopes of a quick fix.

Cosmo, Dr. Phil, The Five Love Languages and Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus aren't going to tell you anything you didn't already know. Men and Women are two completely separate creatures that have zero communication ability between us. We are just hardwired differently and I don't give a rats ass about Nature vs Nurture debates on this one. Come to think of it...maybe there really isn't anything truly different about men and women but instead there are just differences in person to person.

Cosmo is going to make your life miserable by telling you everything you should already know but don't. Except you already know it. If you can't fit into a size 2...I don't need to tell you that. You already know it. Cosmo would not be popular if it applied to the other 154 million women because it would not have anything new to sell.

I have learned to not pick up Cosmo unless I want to read the horoscope or the blunders portions. I like hearing about others' embarrassing moments. I can relate to many of those. Yet I still read self-help books and websites. Mainly because I think they are going to give me some insight into my psyche. They don't but they give me the illusion that I can fix all of the problems in my own mind. Honestly the only real solution is that I am me. I'm all that I can ever be just as you are all you can ever be. And that is pretty good when it comes down to it.

What Women REALLY Need to Know About Life and Relationships

I'll confess to that I've been married 4 times. While that may not seem like a terribly big number...it is a number that frightens me and plenty of others. Everyone knows that 3rd times the charm but it seems that I moved past that charmed event and went into marriage number 4.

I love my husband dearly. I truly do and whats more important...I like him. That is saying quite a bit and I don't think he appreciates it or sees the sincerity when I make that claim. It is truly saying something. Far too often we find ourselves in situations where we love someone but we truly do not like them. We wouldn't voluntarily "hang" with them or be associated with them if there wasn't love in place. Strange thing but if you think about it for a while it will make sense.

Marriage, and well any relationship, is tough work. There are things that can make it even tougher. Little pitfalls that you take for granted when single can become a landmine in a relationship. You may be having a tough week or two with work, quitting smoking, or just life and your partner takes the brunt of it all. It is easy to think that we are not the wrong-doers but rather the victims of a bitchy spouse or significant other. Even something as simple as confiding in a parent or best friend can wreck untold havoc and devastation on a relationship.

Something like text messaging or calling an ex can be epic. The principle behind it may be innocent. The messages may be innocent but it really can be that trip wire that leads to insecurity, fighting, jealousy and more. It's a hazardous course. But I had a lot of time to think while driving and there are some things I have learned that I will willingly pass on to you, my friends. These are your tips and informative blurbs that you truly need to know about life and relationships.

• No matter where you go, what you do or how close you are in your relationship: have outside interests. Every woman should have something that is hers alone. Maybe it is time walking the neighborhood. It could be Tae Kwon Do or a Creme Brulee fro-yo once a week. It does not matter. But it does need to be yours alone. Don't do it with a friend. Don't do it with your significant other. Do it by yourself.
• Have 1 friend of the opposite sex that does not have a single sexual interest in you and is not afraid to tell you that you are a moron at times. Don't discuss the bad details of a fight that happened between you and your s.o. but do occasionally ask this person if you are guilty of being a douche bag and/or a bitch.
• Always have 1 friend that takes your side no matter what. Even when I'm a douch bag and a bitch my best friend Kat always takes my side. I know there are times when she rolls her eyes and wonders where my head is but she loves me for me. She would drive 3000 miles in a second just to comfort me or come get me if I needed her. Every woman needs a friend like that in her life.
• At least one time in your life take a chance. Move to another state or country far from anyone you know and just take a chance. You may fail and move back home. You may succeed but unless you take that chance you will never know if you are really your own person. Staying in the same small town or even big city your entire life is no way to live. It never hurts to just go for the sake of going.
• When relationships have you down and you are ready to give up on the human race entirely...make a list of all the douche bags you know. Every bad date. Every bad encounter. Every horrible sexcapade. Write those bitches down and you will quickly be reminded that life isn't that bad. Your husband or boyfriend really isn't horrible or hey...he may be and he may wind up on the list.
• Never do something just because you felt you were obligated. If you don't want kids...don't have them. If you don't want to get married...don't get married. If you don't want to have sex...don't have sex. But at the same time as you are making up your mind to say "no" also consider why the other person is asking you to do it. Sometimes when we slow down and think about things...we become more open to it.
• Take each day as such...it is just a day. We all have good days and we all have bad days. The trick is to even them out. If the bad outweigh the good and there is nothing you can do about them then you need to walk away from the situation. If it all balances out in the end it is called life and we each have one.

So there ya go. Just some rambling thoughts. It is some things I've learned over the course of my life. Every woman knows that she should own a drill and know how to get an estimate on her car without getting taken but sometimes it is the little things that escape us. Relationships are hard fucking work. I'd rather deal with a zombie gnawing my arm than to have a fight with Dave but fights do happen. Feelings get hurt and I realized sometimes that is a great thing. A relationship that does not hurt is not a relationship at all. Only when you truly love and like someone do you give them the ability to hurt you.

Namaste my friends.

Why Freelance Writing Can Suck!

I have to warn you in advance that this is going to be a whining, wailing, gnashing of teeth type of post. I'm bummed out and discouraged right now. Why? I wrote an article for a client and turned it in with the note that it was a very rough draft due to the fact that the instructions were vague and I did not have a clear idea on what the client wanted to accomplish. Today I checked and the client rejected it citing a LOOONG list of reasons ranging from grammar to the fact that it was a fluff piece.

HELLO! I tried getting in touch with the client to get guidance. Okay so the topic was crapola. 5 reasons why dental sealants work? I researched for several hours and found 3 vague reasons. Now to be fair this client has already rejected 8 other writers so I'm not terribly surprised. I've found that clients with a high rejection rate tend to keep that trend going and can always cite reasons. The most humorous rejection reason is: overall tone. You have got to be kidding me. I do like when the client try to defend their reason on rejection. It's always the same: you, as a writer, suck and they know more and are far more talented. They may not be able to write clear instructions but it is obvious, at least to them, that they are far superior. This is especially true considering they were going to pay you the whopping rate of 1.4 cents per word. Bask in that lost 2.40! Yeah!

Okay I'm done whining about that but I does make me think about why I write. It obviously is not for accolades. It is hard work being a freelance writer. You often have long days trying to get an average hourly rate that is laughable to most. You take constant knocks. If you are not getting slammed by a client, rejected by a client or cheated by a client....you are facing scrutiny from family and friends. My husband says he understands that this is a real job but he always follows it up with a comment about the pay.

The simple fact is that writing, anything, takes dedication and a very thick skin. The critics are many and always have a vicious tongue ready to slash your work apart. Rejections happen frequently and sometimes for no real reason. The worst part is that the overall experience makes you feel less than you are. You feel like a talentless hack trying to imitate a writer. A good day can go to pot very quickly and you learn to dread Mondays with a fervent passion that borders on maniacal.

Freelance writing, or writing in general, is comparable to dealing with your bipolar, schizophrenic aunt who lives in a one bedroom apartment with thousands of hairless rats. She has plenty of time to bring you down while pointing out how great her life is when compared to yours.

But there are times when good clients make you feel great. They applaud your work and the dedication it takes to meet deadlines. Friends compliment you on writing. Family finally realizes that you are making a contribution other than laundry and cooking. That you have a meaningful job. Those days are golden for a writer. That realization that maybe you aren't as bad as you think.  You've managed to brush your teeth, take a shower and write a pretty nice article.

2012 and a Brand New Year

I have to say that starting a blog is not new to me. I've done it plenty of times on Facebook, Myspace and even Blogspot. But I wanted to narrow my focus down to a common theme rather than just post rants and raves. I'm not saying that this will not happen here...it will given time...but I want to focus on a broader subject than just myself.

I'm a transplanted Southern woman through and through. Being Southern in the South is not unique. Being in the Pacific Northwest as a Southern woman is not unique. I've met a few ladies that originally hail from south of the Mason Dixon line. But me being here is unique. You being where you are is unique. And so it is with that thought that I want to begin documenting my introduction and integration into Bend, Oregon.

I moved to Bend from Maumelle, Arkansas. I was born and raised in Calico Rock, Arkansas which is located roughly 2 hours north of Maumelle/Little Rock. It is a town of less than a thousand and I had the wonderful, and at times limiting, experiences of growing up in such a unique environment.

When I moved to Bend in August 2011 it was with great trepidation. I had never been west of Las Vegas. The farthest west I had actually resided for a time was in Mesquite, Texas. This was a brand new experience. Seeing the country as we slowly made our way in the UHaul and my truck was something that I both recommend to everyone and I also highly advise against doing. It is a LONG journey of little over 2000 miles.

The culture and sights here in Bend are unlike anything I have ever encountered before. The most obvious difference is the mountains. What an incredible sight! Living in the high desert is an experience unlike any other. It is much drier here. The sky is so clear at night and the stars shine with an incredible ferocity that is unparalled. I live in town and still have a view of the night sky that easily rivals that of my parent's front yard back in Arkansas.

Another quick oddity that has forever won me over? I don't have to pump my own gas! Yes...I do pay much more a gallon but man - I HATE pumping gas. I used to wait until the very last drop to stop and fill up, or I'd have my husband do it. Now I have gas station attendants that are just darlings.

I could go on and on about all the differences but I'll just stretch it out rather than pile it on all at once. I want to talk about the things I discover here as I make my Grand New Adventure. Some will be cultural differences. Some will be food differences and some will just be new things to my family and myself. So buckle up and enjoy the ride!