F*CK You Cosmo

I have a deep, dark confession to make. I read self-help books, magazines and websites frequently. I do and I cannot help myself. Somehow each time I am fooled into thinking that this is going to be the one that actually works! This article is the key to my entire life! This website is going to make me better, stronger, faster etc. Each time I walk away saddened. Much like I'm sure Newt Gingrich feels after a run at the presidential election. It just doesn't seem to work.

The problem, I believe, is that all self-help books, magazines and websites treat us like we are 5 years old and that every problem is black and white. We aren't and it isn't. Your man isn't doing the dishes? Talk to him and explain what the problem is and how you feel. Ya...right fucker. You want to know the outcome of THAT conversation? He looks at you like you are a complete moron, you two have a fight over some freaking dishes and you spend the next few days miserable. The real world answer to that particular issue is pretty simple: either you do them or you don't. If he wants a clean dish he will eventually get he point or you will eventually cave in. The best case scenario is one where he hires a cleaning service but don't get your hopes up.

This leads me to what I believe to be the source of all discontentment in women's lives...magazines such as Cosmopolitan. Yep, you read that right - Cosmo is the bane of your existence and mine. If you are over the age of 30 you already know I am right and you know why. If you are younger than 30 you may still be blinded by the light. So allow me to bring you into the darkness of reality.

The US population, a quick figure, is roughly at 311,591,917. Roughly over half of that is female giving us a female population of 155, 795,958 women. From there you could estimate the ages and races but I don't give enough of a crap to warrant that kind of math. So let's just go with 155 million women.

How many of those 155 million women are below a size 6, live in New York City, and are single? No guess? I don't know. That's why I asked you. There are no real statistics on that question. I guess I could make one up - so let's go with 1 million and I'm being EXTREMELY generous. Cosmo reports that it has a monthly subscription of 3,021,720.

WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS CAUSING 2,021,720 WOMEN TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS RAG WHEN IT DOES NOT APPLY TO THEM?

Let's forget about the readers who pick up a copy at the checkout stand and instead focus on the subscribers. The cost is not much. It is roughly about 12.00 a year. 1.00 an issue at the cheapest online magazine subscription company. But that is 1.00 to make you feel less than you are. Send me 1.00 and I will guarantee that I will write a blog each month focusing on clothing that you aren't going to actually wear in Seattle, Washington or Little Rock, Arkansas. I'll write in a paragraph about the sex positions you already know about but gained a kink in your back trying simply because someone told you that it would increase your power with men.

Here is the truth no matter how many women and men chime in on how Cosmo can improve your relationship/life/bedroom circus antics etc: Men flinch when you open that magazine. Why? Because it will instantly fill your head full of doubt. You will not become empowered. You will try out the sex positions and then wonder why he is looking scared. You will think about buying some of the products and clothing they are shilling but in the end will decide that your own personal style is what you prefer. But only after you've spent money. Mmm...think that is what Cosmo is after? Money? Perhaps by making you and me feel inferior Cosmo understands that you will continue to buy the magazine in hopes of a quick fix.

Cosmo, Dr. Phil, The Five Love Languages and Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus aren't going to tell you anything you didn't already know. Men and Women are two completely separate creatures that have zero communication ability between us. We are just hardwired differently and I don't give a rats ass about Nature vs Nurture debates on this one. Come to think of it...maybe there really isn't anything truly different about men and women but instead there are just differences in person to person.

Cosmo is going to make your life miserable by telling you everything you should already know but don't. Except you already know it. If you can't fit into a size 2...I don't need to tell you that. You already know it. Cosmo would not be popular if it applied to the other 154 million women because it would not have anything new to sell.

I have learned to not pick up Cosmo unless I want to read the horoscope or the blunders portions. I like hearing about others' embarrassing moments. I can relate to many of those. Yet I still read self-help books and websites. Mainly because I think they are going to give me some insight into my psyche. They don't but they give me the illusion that I can fix all of the problems in my own mind. Honestly the only real solution is that I am me. I'm all that I can ever be just as you are all you can ever be. And that is pretty good when it comes down to it.

The Friend Zone

So I recently read an article on Jezebel ( you can read it here it is by Samantha Irby) about the Bro' Zone. It is that magical place females find themselves when they lust/love a guy but he considers her just a friend. All of you kats and kittens know what I'm talking about. Most women at some point in their lives has received the "talk" about not wanting to ruin a great friendship or you are his hang out buddy. Don't even fucking deny it bitches because I know you are lying if you do!

All joking aside...we, females, do it all the time to guys. I know I have certainly been guilty of it. Yes...I have deliberately put a guy into the friend zone because I truly liked his friendship. Yes...I have put a guy into the friend zone because he did shit for me. I have had my fair share (no I'm not listing a number but we'll say it is higher than 1) of F*ck Buddies. Those are the guys you don't want to hang out with, you don't want them doing anything for you other than a quick round of bed play. They don't get to stay the night and you never tell most of your friends. Hell...I've had one that I never even told my BEST FRIEND! Yep...man he was so totally not what I'd pick out for myself. Even pretending to be his friend irritated the piss out of me. He was atrocious but hey...it was a low point in my life. But enough about that. My sexual conquests are certainly interesting but I'm getting off track.

Here is the thing: if you do not want to be put into the Friend Zone then you have to know the signs. This is for guys and girls. These are some tips that will help you stay clear of that murky area where heartache and angst lie in wait. Now if you can certainly apply this to the Friends with Benefits Zone as well. They are interchangeable.

1. Don't Aim Too High! Guys: if you can't: shower on a daily basis, brush your teeth, consider homemade tattoos "cool", think a business degree can be attained in two weeks via an Internet course, are a sociopathic drug user that looks like the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz except 50 lbs lighter, or just attend way too many comic book conventions...you aren't going to get a supermodel. You aren't going to be dating the Homecoming Queen. You aren't going to get that insanely hot chick that looks like Megan Fox but stars in pornos. A recent study showed that a huge majority of men (even the butt ugly ones) always think they can win the supermodels and Homecoming Queens. They always shoot too high and clearly outside their social, economic, political and environmental status quo. AND THEN BITCH BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND A "DECENT" WOMAN!! Be realistic. The same holds true for women. Nice personalities only go so far. If you look like a troll (and not one of the cute ones with the standing hair) then you are not going to get the Brad Pitt. The only exception to this rule is money. If you have a lot of money then...fuck you can have whoever you want.
2. You Get Asked to Attend a Wedding and You Aren't Dating: No one likes to show up at a wedding alone. It kinda makes you feel like an outsider and a bit pathetic because someone will ask about your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife at some point and you either have to lie or just admit that you are single. With cats. But if you get asked to a wedding by a guy/girl you aren't dating exclusively....you are now in the Friend Zone. Two types of people go to weddings together: Buddies and those in Relationships. Know the difference and you'll go far.
3. Internet: Yes, I have to take it there. Now granted I do know many successful stories of people that have met through the Internet. Some have reconnected over the years and some have been new meetings. But for every successful romance I can give you 100 stories of guys/girls looking for a quick hookup. Granted there are more guys doing the trolling than girls but it still happens. Taken men use the Internet because it is safer than trolling bars and laundromats. You should always weigh that new connection with a very doubting mind. Oh and always ask for a current picture with a newspaper! Oh and a background check! Oh and always ask if he is currently a meth head user/dealer! Just some quick tips :)
4. Last Minute Calls: Listen, we all have things that come up at the last minute but if someone truly wants to be with you and values your time...he/she will schedule beforehand. Friends are the ones that get the biggest leeway in this department because it is almost always a casual invitation. If he calls you to come over to a party, but didn't mention it beforehand and he's drunk when he calls, he probably thinks of you as a friend (probably with benefits.) It's the truth.

Now...here is the real truth. If you do not want to be in the Friend Zone/Friends with Benefits department is all boils down to how you present yourself. I know some fantastic ladies that always have this inherent dignity that just exudes from their perfect pores. I, however, am not one of these people and I tend to learn all my lessons the hard way. I'm getting better all the time. I'm like fine wine baby! Or cheese...ya probably more like cheese.

The simplest solution is to not play the guessing game. When I want to know if Dave likes me....I ask. When we were dating I didn't play coy and I didn't assume anything. I told him that if he liked me he would have to tell me because my signals always steer me wrong. We even came up with our own code words to express certain sentiments.

Life is pretty hard and the talking monkey's make it even harder. We spend so much time "inferring" emotion, sentiment, thought and action that we often miss exactly what is in front of our face. If we would just ask the right questions and take the answers at face value...we'd be pretty well off. Obviously we wouldn't be in politics though! Ha I kill me.

Letter To My Daughters

Letter to my Daughters

A Letter to my Daughters

 

Dear Daughters,

I wanted to take a moment and talk to you. Well, not literally talk to you, but more figuratively. Sit down and let me impart a bit of my knowledge. I know you are at the age when you think you have it all down pat but humor me for a bit.

As I was tending the yard, I had an epiphany. Once upon a time I hated doing any type of housework. It all seemed futile. The grass would just grow up again. The dishes and laundry would just pile up. It was a monotony of the same chores over and over each week. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to have a fabulous career and be someone special.

Children do not, necessarily, make someone special. There are some fabulously special people in the world that do not have children, either through choice or circumstance. Did you make me special? No. As hard as that is to believe, I do have a life outside of you. But here is what makes me special, and one day I hope it makes you special as well, I developed understanding and empathy.

So here are some lessons I learned that I pass to you. As you know, the 8th of each month is special to me. It is a reminder that life is fleeting but the knowledge and memories you leave behind are monumental and immortal.  My parents, grandparents and friends have left indelible marks on my life. It is especially my parents and grandparents that have left the greatest. My dad left me the ability to stop and think. My mom is showing me, every single day, what true love is and how to be strong when others would crumble.

·         Your job is not what defines you. You define your job. This may seem confusing but it really all comes down to your ethics. Everyone answers to someone. While you may at times think a job is beneath you, it really is not. You are learning something each and every time you go to work. You are learning how to meet new people. You are learning new things. You are learning responsibility. Whether it is flipping burgers or running a billion dollar company...you are defining your job. Never disrespect those individuals you feel are working dead end jobs or service industry jobs. Without them, society would cease to function.

·         Tasks you think are a waste of time...actually do have purpose. I hated doing yard work or housework. Yet I saw my parents enjoy doing them. Why on earth would anyone like getting dirty or cleaning? I understand now. It is a task that has a beginning and an end. It is an accomplishment. Strive for the highest goal you can imagine but keep those small tasks. Each one checked off is an accomplishment. They may not mean much at the time but they will be satisfying later.

·         I am not your friend. A parent makes a horrible mistake the moment they want to be their child's friend. A friend implies that they will understand and encourage certain behavior and, at the same time, tolerate certain behavior. Friend's are not responsible for your actions and are not always going to guide you in the right direction. Get back to me on that when you are in your 20's. I want your respect. I want your trust. But I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to know every single thing you are doing. It would drive me insane. I will later be your friend. I want to eventually be your friend. But we are not at that point in our lives.

·         One day you will experience grief. You do not understand why I cry so much at the loss of my father. The loss of my grandparents. One day I hope you do grieve for me because I certainly do not want to be left grieving for you. That may be selfish of me but a parent's worst nightmare is having to see their child out of this world. From the moment you both came into this world, I was plagued by nightmares of losing you. Every parent has those thoughts. Strike that. Every GOOD parent has those thoughts. The "What If's" drive new parents crazy. I once actually panicked at the thought of a wolf breaking into the house and attacking you. Laugh all you want now but irrational fears are what drives a parent to be protective. My heart breaks when you cry but I never want to have mine broken by losing you. You two mean that much to me. You are my life.

·         Pain is a part of life. There will be times when pain brings you to your knees. When life seems futile and hopeless. Just remember that all things fade with time. The wounds that are raw at the moment will eventually heal and leave a scar. Don't cover the scar. Don't stare at it daily either but make sure you know it is there. It is a reminder that you are alive and will keep fighting back.

These are just a few things that I want you to know. You will make mistakes and that is okay. You will learn. My dad, very often when growing up, would just look at me and shake his head. When I eventually figured it out he would say, "Red, now you are being smart. Use your head." My mom's best advice came to me by watching her and seeing her actions. Her mantra is, "Just get it done." It is simple but extremely powerful and effective.

I love you both and hope one day you will understand what I am trying to say to you. I want you to fulfill your dreams, no matter what they are. There is nothing that you will ever do that makes me not love you. I may get angry at times but I always love and support you. You will stumble. You will fall but hopefully you will have enough of me, your grandparents, your aunts, cousins, and friends, in you that you will stand back up and keep on going.

Love,

Shonté (aka Mom)

Loss of Innocence - Updated

Loss of Innocence

Loss of Innocence

 

Life is funny and I am definitely one who has learned to find the humor whenever possible. Even when things are grim, the circumstances are tragic...I've always been the one to try to use humor to help lighten the situation. I guess it has always been that way. Don't get me wrong. There have been and are times in my life when I can't find the funny side. Times when I have fallen and felt like I could not get back up. But with the help of friends, family and a strong will that was genetically passed down to me (and learned) I rubbed some dirt on it and moved on.

 

One of the things, or should I say many things, is when you stop being a child. The exact moments when parts of your innocence is lost. For some people a jaded place takes root. For some it becomes a black tarnish on their soul, aura, and very being. It becomes a hated spot deep inside because the blinders come off.

The first loss of innocence, for me, when a very, very close friend was diagnosed with Leukemia as a teen. I didn't understand it and I didn't cope with it very well. I never visited him in the hospital because I could not face the fact that someone not much older was sick. He died and I still was in denial. At the funeral I sat at the back row of a very packed church. I got up and left because I STILL was in denial. There was NO way someone close to my age, that I loved as a friend and spent a great deal of time with.

I realized that people close to you die but it truly had not hit home yet. That came with the loss of my Papa. I worked at the hospital in the kitchen as my college job, and my mom was my boss. He had been admitted. We knew it was bad but I didn't realize how bad until my mom pulled me into her office and told me that the doctor had given him 6 months to live and it was a brain tumor.

I walked into the hallway, saw my big, burly, larger than life, Paul Bunyan Papa in a wheelchair. I broke down crying. One more piece of innocence lost. They took him home and that is where he remained. For about a month I avoided going to visit which was a RARE thing for me. This was the home I had spent EVERY summer, all summer and every vacation and every weekend I could. This is where I went between college classes to hang out, have lunch etc. I had even lived there for a time. I couldn't face the fact that a man I loved so very, very much was leaving me. I was angry. I was SCARED. I didn't know how to talk to someone who was going to leave and never return.

Another piece of innocence was lost.

I finally did muster the courage to face myself and my fears and I went to him. I went into the bedroom, sat down, and started crying. I apologized for leaving him. He wasn't as big. He had already given up. I hadn't deep inside. There was that spark of hope that this was a mistake on the doctor's part. He waited for me to stop bawling, pulled me close to his hospital bed and said, "I understand. I love you." He forgave me for something that to this exact day I have never forgiven myself for. I didn't miss another day with him until he died. I wasn't there when he died though. I had driven home hurriedly to shower and change. He passed while I was not there. Courtney called me and said, "Shon...get back here now." I knew what had happened.

 

Another piece was gone but this time much, much bigger because mortality hit at that exact moment.

 

If my mom had just lost her father, and later her mother, then....I was going to lose them some day. I cried even more at the funeral. I mourned my Papa leaving me. No more creek trips. No more tractor rides. No more rice hauling trips in his big red semi. No more me fixing him lunch. No more watching baseball with him. But I suddenly realized one day I would lose my parents.

That was the hardest piece of innocence I have ever lost.

 

My Granny died years later and I mourned that I hadn't spent more time with her but I lived hours away, had two kids, a husband, a household and a full time job.

 

My father passed away 11 months ago today. For some reason I did not have my phone next to my bed that night before. But I woke up around 4:00 am. I had many missed calls and tons of text messages telling me to call home. I knew what had happened. I called and Courtney said, "Come home now. Dad is gone." My response was, "No. No. No. No he is NOT gone." I crashed to my knees and Dave came running out. I screamed and I cried. I was over 2000 miles away and I had NOT been there again.  I had visited in August and we had talked but once again we had not really had "THE" conversation that hangs over anyone's head who has a terminal illness. I avoided it. I teased him and we laughed. We watched TV together. He hugged me so many times and I never wanted to let go. My larger than life dad was going to leave me but wait! I still had that spark of hope.

 

Last year the last of my innocence died. I realized that one day I would lose the woman I love the most in the entire world. The woman who I am more like than anyone else. My sister, Sasha,  inherited Dad's demeanor and ability to dazzle people. I told people at his visitation that I got dad's figure and she got his personality. Courtney is mini-Stan except quieter.

 

But me...I get mom. I understand how she works because I work like her, well except physically because that woman gets stuff done. Oh and she cooks better than anyone I've ever known. I love this woman with my entire heart. There is NOTHING I would not do for her. But eventually I will lose her. Part of me is selfish and wants to go before because then I wouldn't lose that part of my heart and soul.

But then I remember a blog I wrote a few months ago. I pray every single night that I NEVER have to bury one of the girls. I could never survive and would not want to survive if I lost them. So I find myself torn between selfishness and knowing someday my heart will break.

 

My mom will read this and probably tell me she will whip my ass for even thinking that thought.

It is a loss of innocence and a conundrum. You know as you start to grow older that your parents begin to get older as well. No one escapes time. No one. Life moves on.

November 8th will mark two years. I will grieve quietly here 2000+ miles from the rest of my family.

I still hurt. Even after all this time. I still wipe tears away when I think of Dad. And now that Grandma has passed away I feel an even bigger hole. It hurts. It will never STOP hurting. There will always be a wound there. It will scar over a bit and will allow me to function but it will always be there. And sad as that sounds...I'm grateful because that scar means I have loved with all of my heart and soul.

So if you hear me talk about my father...understand if my voice catches and tears come to my eyes. Just nod but don't tell me you understand. Just let me know you are there for me if I need you. Hug me. Pat me on the shoulder.

 

 

"Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over...she became a butterfly."

RE: Phrases I Loathe

RE: Phrases I Loathe

*I wanted to update this list and really give it another go. I'm keeping all of the original rants the same but I wanted to add something.

As I have gotten older I still do not like the below phrases. I don't. But more than that I have come to not have the ability to deal with people who fly off the handle. You don't have to scream profanities. You don't have to try and use up every $5.00 word you grab from the dictionary. You can simply walk away. It's okay to do that. Not every phrase or derogatory thing thrown your way has to be addressed. Their anger/stupidity/anything is on THEM. How you respond makes it about you. So when someone makes you mad...laugh. That is the best response and it doesn't bring you down.

It is my day off and as usual I found myself up at the butt crack of dawn. It really sucks having insomnia. I'm pretty sure every evil thing that goes wrong in my life can be attributed to lack of sleep. Hair problems? Lack of sleep. Sex problems? Lack of sleep. ADHD? Lack of sleep. I get the whole aging thing but it doesn't mean I have to fucking like it. Suck it old age!!

For several weeks now I've been pondering phrases that make me see red. A couple have actually been directed to sweet, lil ol' moi. Imagine that indignity! Fuck a duck. I mean come on...bitches gotta hate but they don't have to be juvenile about it. So here are the phrases I hate the most and my response to them.

1. Who the fuck do you think you are? (This tops the list)

Well...I think I'm Shonte' and I'm pretty sure that I'm a Goddess in my world so that would essentially make me the ruler of everything. No, I did not wake up this morning and forget who I am.

Why do people say this? What point is there in asking this rhetorical question? Obviously it is a slight meant to infer that you do not have power over the speaker. I get that. But since I'm a Goddess I don't give a fuck.

2. Eat a Dick. (Usually followed by Cunt, Bitch or Whore)

This statement is usually thrown out by a very insecure crack whore. Okay I don't know if the person is a crack whore but I love saying that phrase. "Crack whore" or "Meth whore" are personal favorites because it conjures to mind a pock marked hooker that hasn't showered in weeks and is the town bike. But I digress.  Guys don't say this because it is one of their greatest fears. No guy likes some chick chomping down on his man bits and giggle berries. Only women toss this one out and there is only one response: Roll your eyes and say "Really? Really?"

3. Get over yourself.

Why should I get over myself? I like myself finally and have accepted that there may be one or two people on this entire Earth that do not feel the same way. Once again I understand the connotation to this remark. The speaker wants to demean the other and make them feel insignificant. Not gonna fucking work bitches because I need to direct you to #1 where I explain that I'm a Goddess. I can "get over" situations. I can "get over" life...but I'm not going to get over myself.

4. You can't tell me what to do.

Yes. I. Can. In fact if I just told you something...I did in fact tell you what to do. You, however, have this wonderful thing called free will in which you can decide whether or not to act. My response when someone tells me to go do something is a simple "yes" or "no." Nothing pisses off people more than one word responses. I love them when they aren't directed at me.

5. I feel sorry for... (your kids, your husband, your family, your friends, your dog..etc.) for being with you.

This is the only statement where I can almost become physically violent. I KNOW I should never use physical violence but this one will almost cause me to Hiroshima on someone. It is the unforgivable phrase to utter to me because I NEVER forget it. This isn't actually about feeling sorry for someone. It is trying to feel superior to them. I had a crack whore say this about my daughters simply because I told her to stop contacting me and my husband. She called me deranged for stating that a police officer showed up at my house looking for her. Uh..hello? A cop did show up.

This statement is the worst thing anyone can say to another because it is vile. You are dragging others into a verbal sparring match and it is always said by someone that has ZERO clue about your life.

Expressing sympathy, empathy and regret towards someone is fine. Feeling sorry for someone because of a situation is fine. But making this statement with the intent to make you feel like you are less than what you are or somehow you affect others badly...just wrong.

The bad thing is I've been guilty of these statements. I used to swear never to drop the "C" word at someone and I've used it a few times. I was mad. Do I regret it? Nope not one bit. The bitch deserved it and that is exactly what she was acting like. I've delivered it to a few guys as well.

We all get mad at people and sometimes it breaks down into a verbal, or written, argument. It's life. It happens to the best of us. And these are just the phrases that tweak my buttons and make me roll my eyes and say, "Really? Really? You can't do any better than this?"

Happy Mother's Day! Mom I love you and thank you for never giving me to the gypsies!

Happy Mother's Day

 

It is once again that day of the year when we honor all those precious ladies in our lives whether they are with us now or they have proceeded us into the afterlife. It is a long running joke that Mom's work 364 days a year and have one off but even then they still work. Being a mom is a tough job and let me tell ya…no one told me how tough it would be. So let us take a stroll down memory lane and then praise the women who have nurtured us in our lives.

My earliest memories of my Mom come from her holding me, making no bake oatmeal cookies and her laugh. She has this amazing laugh that just seeps into your soul. You can instantly tell if she's giving someone the polite "I really don't like you or what you just said" laugh and the one that is all wrapped up in mothery goodness.

My mom is pretty damn amazing. She can run circles around me, out cook me even on my best day and has so much talent. She has given me a wealth of advice over the years. She was my mother first and foremost and now she has become a mother and a friend. I can tell her anything and know that she will tell me if it is a crap idea or it is one worth pursuing. She has been the referee between my siblings and myself for 36 years.

My mother has also been a bane in my own attempts at child rearing. She embraced being a Gammy very easily because she knew her time had finally come. She would be getting the ultimate paybacks. She became the greatest thing since toast when it came to her grandchildren. Don't like dinner? Well she would fix them something they wanted. (Note: Sasha, Courtney and myself were always told to either eat it or go hungry. I tell the girls that now.)

Chocolate for breakfast? Sure. Oh you want to eat a bunch of sugar, take no nap and then go home to your moms? Absolutely!

A year or two ago, when dealing with my own teens, I called her and Dad to apologize to them. My words exactly? "You were right. I was wrong." I didn't have to say much more. They knew.

When I became a Mom I thought I would do everything the right way. I read books. I talked to friends. I thought I had it in the bag. Kennedy came along and I pushed her to do everything bigger, better and faster. She was walking by 5 months and bottle and potty trained by 1. She was very cognizant and had an incredible vocabulary by 2. She was also spoiled rotten.

Maesin came along roughly 1 year and 3 weeks from Kennedy's birth. (No it was not on purpose.) That time around? Uh yeah. We are lucky Maesin is walking and talking today. I was so laid back with her. I didn't rush anything and probably, truth be told, didn't even make a conscious effort. Kennedy was Type A personality from the moment she caterwauled into my life. Maesin was the laid back siesta.

Now kids are tricky creatures. As a Mom I get to see all of my best traits in the girls. As a Mom I get to see all of the worst traits. My abilities are theirs and my liabilities are with them as well. I am afraid one is too demanding of herself, as well as so very brash, and I fear that the other will never take a stance in the world, that she is too laid back. They are two polar opposites and I see parts of myself in each one.

When you have children you get a wealth of advice from people, friends, strangers and books. You crank up the worry meter to a 10 and become convinced that this world is going to harm your children. You sanitize everything. Then they come and you want to kick some people's asses. They warned you about the terrible 2's but they didn't say squat about how little kids will play with poop. They didn't warn you that you will change shirts often because your precious will upchuck on you.

They also didn't tell you that your heart become so incredibly fragile. If they are sick you stay up all night. Heaven forbid they have to stay in a hospital because you will cry each night as you sleep on the little bench in the room, praying that they get better soon. You sit back silently as they grow and have to learn to defend themselves from others. You would give every last breath to protect them.

Mom's are the most incredible creatures on the planet. Just when you are going along in life and think your heart cannot become any bigger…it does. And I want to point out that having children is not necessarily a prerequisite to being a Mom. You do not have to be related to someone by blood to have an incredible influence over them. You may simply be a friend of someone who has a child. The only requirement is love.

Here is to you! Mom's of the world take a collective sigh, take a long soak in the tub and remember that no one gets out of this alive. Your kids won't be the death of you (hopefully) and you will earn each and every wrinkle that comes with the territory. Your favorite outfit can be replaced when destroyed by the kids and you may even have a clean house now and again.

Mom I love you to the moon and back and I'm very glad you survived my teenage years. Once again let me just say that, "You were right and I was wrong. About pretty much everything. Oh and thank you for not giving us to the gypsies."