The Power of Love

The Power of Love

I sat here tonight talking with my incredibly wise and sage-like daughter about self-esteem. Now to preface it isn’t about her self-esteem, it is about a friend of hers. The friend, like many young women, battles with self-esteem and the need to be loved. But love comes at a steep price. Ask anyone that has been married. Love is not a bouquet of flowers to cheer you up, it is being there to prune the weeds. It isn’t a warm hug, it is someone wrapping themselves around you to protect you. It isn’t someone going shopping with you to fill the pantry, it is someone there to share those meals. 

Love is rocky, deep and it can be incredibly trying. Nothing will test you like love does. And it could be parental love, loving a child, a sibling, a friend or a romantic love. Loving is hard, and it comes with tears. But. At the end of it all it comes with a sense of belonging. The right love does. Love can power the world. Love can change the world. The wrong “Love” isn’t love at all. It disguises itself with the mantle of love and wears its skin well. And many people, I included over the years, fail to see the difference.

So, what is the difference? The wrong “love” is destructive. It masks itself as something pretty and nice, but it isn’t. And often we are giving ourselves the wrong type of love. We are allowing another person to use our bodies, minds and our souls. We exchange bits of ourselves in the hopes of finding that real love. We take up the dice and we roll hoping to not crap out. We win one hand and it isn’t enough, so we roll again because we are SURE that the next time will be the big winner. And it keeps going. We come close, we roll a few snake eyes and still…we hold out. We KNOW the right person is out there, so we must cast our nets out further and wider hoping for that big win.

I’m here to tell you my friends that the dice are loaded. When we pick up those bones we have already lost the game. That isn’t love. Love isn’t selfish. Love comes from within. It isn’t what we hope to gain…it is what we give.

We give love freely to those that deserve our love. But we first make sure that the love we give is pure and not filled with caveats. The love we make within ourselves changes people. It makes those rocky times worth it. It is your love that brings peace and warmth to others. And the best part? You have this incredible opportunity to give it freely! But that takes time. As Mama Ru said, “If you can’t love yourself how the HELL you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen!”

Amen Mama Ru! That is the truth. The power of love starts from within. The spark is given to us and we must learn to nourish it throughout our lives. We must take care and protect it from the cold winds of indifference. We must shield it from time and callousness. We must raise it above our heads when the floods come. We must carefully cup our hand around it when others try to blow it out. Don’t let that love die. It is the one thing, above all others, that is our gift.

The power of love moves me to tears. I think back to when I first held the girls and I gave them my heart. They were not able to give me love but I gave them all of mine. The best life lesson I have learned is that you’re not limited by the size of your heart because it only keeps growing! You have a child and you think, “I cannot possible love another as much as I love you.” And you are proven wrong when you have your next child.

The same thing is true with everything. When you give freely of your own accord from a solid place within yourself, your heart grows.

But you must love yourself first. You must learn to love and respect yourself. Respect yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and stop covering your flaws. Stop telling yourself lies. Stop being the victim. Love each facet and if you do not? Change those things you do not love.

 Do you feel upset because the guy you love didn’t text you back? Put down your phone and just walk away. 

Does the girl/guy you envy make you feel less? Put it down and just walk away from it.

It does not own you. You define how you will be treated, and you guessed it! It all comes from loving yourself.

Life is going to test you in every possible way it can. You are going to feel broken at times and that is okay. Because one of those loves you gave freely will be there to pick you up and help you put all the pieces back together. Love given will come back to you. Be ready to accept it.

My parting words to you are simple. Be easy with yourself. Nourish your soul. Keep your love growing and flowing. Love may be tough at times but it is worth it.

When the Lights Turn Low

I am sitting here just contemplating. I have some major decisions I have to make with my life and I'm not jumping into, or out of them without great thought. You see...I used to be very impulsive. If something was wrong I just bailed or got rid of it rather than repair it. There were some gems thrown away along with the trash.

I'm not the same person as I was 20 years ago. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago and I'm not the person I was 1 year ago. Time and perspective change how you view the past but it is patience and understanding that color the future.

I don't know where my life will take me. I've never been one to think too much into the future. That is probably going to bite me in the ass come retirement but with my student loan and credit card debt I'll have to work until 100 anyway. Maybe I'll be one of those people greeters. Nah. I have little patience  with most people.

My thoughts have turned towards my past. Things that went wrong but turned out very right. People from  my past that were so right that became so wrong. I didn't love myself so I couldn't love anyone else. That's my burden to carry. But regardless of how many times I tell myself I would have gone back and changed things...I wouldn't.

For many years I thought I had made a monumental mistake of leaving a few people. I kept trying to imagine what my life would be like had I stayed. It wouldn't be this and I'm glad I didn't have the power to change the past. The past shaped me. It broke me at times but I grew stronger. I became more confident in myself. I learned what I liked and what I didn't like.

I realized tonight that maybe my friend's list needed some clearing. That maybe the people I once loved and used to be great friends with...simply don't need me. I'm a reminder of a bad time in their lives. And I take 60% responsibility with most of those things. Not all but most.

We all change and grow. We all change and wither on the vine at times. But time always pushes us into the future whether we go kicking and screaming or running for joy. Nothing remains the same and that has been life's hardest lesson for me to grasp, and I'm not quite sure that I've entirely grasped that and maybe that is a personal hang up. I tend to like status quo. I don't rock the boat.

That boat needs to sink sometimes. Sometimes people are just toxic to you in one way or another. And that is okay. If you are okay with that then you do you. If you have people that are simply another number on your friend's list then maybe that is okay too. We don't have to talk to each other every single day because  some friends can go weeks and months without talking and then when they chat again it is like no time every passed. I learned that with a woman I absolutely treasure. I learned that with people I talk to very frequently as well. I want to treasure my friends.

But when the lights turn low and I'm feeling melancholy I look at some of the ex's in my life (spouse, friend etc) that may just need to be let go. It isn't that I don't still have a deep love for them, instead it is more of a cleansing. You can only go so long with no response to anything before you realize that the ship sailed many years ago.

I will not lie. I struggle at times and maybe that is a hoarding thing. I've learned to accept that I am a clothing, makeup, shoe and purse hoarder. It's an issue and one that is soooo hard to break that habit. But I also hoard friends. People that really have no use for me and that is okay. Life takes us all in different directions. I have a great pen pal that I realized I hadn't responded back to an email in ten days. We are kinda like that though.

So with the lights low I need to make decisions and meditate. I need to remove myself from the lives of people where I am the toxic one. I am the one that should have been left long in the past. Maybe this is finally learning a new lesson and knowing that time does not change things. Hurts can be forgiven but the memory remains and it becomes toxic.

So to the people I have hurt in the past...I'm sorry. But the only thing I would change is the pain and the emotional upheaval. We wouldn't be the people we are now had those things not happened. Maybe it is a c'est la vie or Que Sera Sera mentality. All I know is that I treasure the good moments in the past and no matter how much I paint the picture in gold it really is just a coat of paint. Maybe life for us would have been fantastic. Maybe it would be lottery winning epic. Or maybe it is just us at a point in life where we start learning the hardest lessons...time moves on and we have to move with them.  We have to embrace new relationships (friendships, romance, work, hobby and all things in between.

The lights are turned low and maybe things could have been different but I LIKE who I am now. And though I have many years of screw ups ahead of me. Though I will hit rock bottom with depression and anxiety many times....at this moment I am okay. I wish you the best even when I know you'll never read this.