I know I have laxed a bit in the posting but I really didn't feel I had anything important to say. Well...that isn't true. I always think I have important things to say but when I review them...they all come up sounding trite. Blech on all that junk. But I do have something I have been pondering the last few weeks and feel a need to confess: I'm a lurker.
Yes, I am a lurker. I read news stories daily and I always span through the comments. I Google things and I read the reviews. I look through forums for tid bits of information but really there are two areas of the Internet that draw me in. It is comments on news articles/postings and its Craiglist's Rants & Raves.
News articles/postings can sometimes make me shake my head. I've posted things on Facebook before that were purely sarcastic and humorous (at least to me and that's all I fucking worry about) but there have been some commenter's that completely missed it. Now before jumping my shit and arguing please bear in mind that I'm a sarcastic bitch of the 9th degree. I haven't attained level 10 yet but I'm working on it. Some argue that sarcasm is the last bastion of the simple minded in response to a verbal or mental attack. Horseshit! Do you know how hard it is to find the right appropriate sarcastic response to any given situation?? It takes years of dedicated practice, a thorough knowledge of pop culture, memes and other retarded monkey fodder. It takes patience and delivery. Not every comment is sarcastic otherwise you'll have burn out. You have to wait for the right moment and it has to be flawlessly delivered. A cough, sneeze or hiccup can ruin it and leave you looking like a moron. And you have to tailor the intelligence level to the audience. It's hard fucking work.
Now back to what I was blathering about. News articles really have let me down. I realize true journalism is dead. There is NO such thing as an unbiased article...especially on the web. It is not possible. If you can find me ONE completely unbiased article that is factual, not inducing the public to lean any way but to make up their own minds (ha fucking ha) then I'll post a picture of Dave naked in a tutu. (Note: My husband doesn't read my blogs or I'd be center of Hiroshima if he caught wind of this so let's just keep that between you and I. We're all friends here :)) Okay so on second thought no naked pictures of Dave because I value my life and fear reprisal. Instead I'll post a picture of Meeka and Suki reenacting the Lion King.
But regardless of the biased nature of news stories...it is the comments that leave me shaking my head and rejoicing that I sent in my resignation letter to humanity more than five years ago. Being part of talking monkeys is not my idea of impressive and if you read enough news commenter's...you'll join me. Hell we can book a ticket off the planet for the poo slingers. Granted there are some that are logical, polite and grasped the meaning of the article. The other 98% are trolls who invariably get off topic and somehow race, sexual orientation, economics and politics are brought up. It could be an article on slugs invading England and some idiot poo slinger will miss the point of the article.
I went to a very small school but I rejoice every single day for the quality of my education. Yes...my grammar sucks but that is why I have editors. :) They help me all the time. I write and they polish. But my wonderful teachers through elementary and high school taught me how to read something and understand it. My college professors helped that skill along further. Sadly that is a skill that some have not learned.
Now for Craigslist Rants and Raves...that is one jacked up website. I don't care what city you pick it is nothing but trolls of the worst kind. It is either far left or far right politics that are as close to factually based as I am to walking to the moon. That website teaches me that people who hide behind an anonymous posting have no input. Otherwise they would put their name behind it and stand behind their convictions. It also reminds me which people will make my zombie survival team and which ones will be used as cannon fodder/ bait.
The only people I find more detestable are the Internet Grammar Nazi's. Really? I mean REALLY? Does it matter that fucking much if someone used "its" instead of "it's?" That is the one type of person I have to physically restrain myself from punching them in the face. Correcting someone to their face is a bit bolder but it certainly is not safer. If you happen to be a Grammar Nazi do yourself and your face a favor and just don't be a douche bag. It's pretty much on par with reprimanding someone for using the wrong fucking fork. It does not make you look more intelligent but it does help those party invitations from arriving because the reality is no one likes a giant grammar correcting douche.
Okay so there is my rant and rave. There were other things going on in my life the last couple of weeks that could have made the blog (i.e. psycho, meth whore) but that lasted about .02 nano seconds of my time and effort. :)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mondays are universally loathed in my household and for good reason. They suck. Now normally I do not have a problem with Mondays. They afford me some peace and quiet after the long weekend. Since technically there really is not a "start" and an "end" day to my workweek...I just float along. Today the dreaded Monday has hit in full force. You'll have to pardon any mistakes you find in this blog but I really don't give a flying fuck. It is all Mondays' fault.
Okay so maybe it is not Mondays. It could be the realization that I'm no spring chicken anymore. I'm not into the twilight years...THANK JEEBUS...but I'm past that first fanciful blush of youth. As I get older I realize there are just certain things that happen as the body begins that long, downward spiral into senility and frailty.
Sleep
This is the first thing to desert you as you get older. I love sleep. I truly do and I miss it so. In high school I would have listed sleeping as my favorite hobby. I'm sure my parents could attest to many wasted days of me just sleeping.
As I've gotten older that trusted friend has stabbed me in the back! I can't sleep in past 7am. Most days I begin to wake up around 5:30. And I have to go to bed around 9 p.m. but I don't fall asleep until after 10 p.m. It sucks. Naps are great but you know that a nap will completely jack your sleep schedule. I made that mistake yesterday and as a result didn't get to sleep till 4am and was up at 7 am. I'm pretty much a zombie today.
Your Body Betrays You
I never quite understood why older people groaned and moaned all the time. I do now. I also never understood back problems until now. Where the hell did my body go wrong? I don't have wrinkles...I have canyons. And motherfucker...if I find the piece of crap who told me that I'd grow out of acne and pimples I would beat him/her into the ground. Lying sack of garbage! Isn't it bad enough that I have wrinkles but to add insult to injury I still get acne!
The Miscellaneous Insults
And here is another thing about getting older that I just had to shake my head at the other day. When you are young you worry about how your bedroom smells. You want it to be fresh and clean. You don't want it to smell like sex, dirty socks, dust or have any funk. Wanna know what my bedroom smells like? Lavender and Icy Hot. Yep - not an appealing fragrance I know. Lavender is because I'm addicted to it and I think it helps me try to gain more precious hours of sleep. Icy Hot because I'm pretty sure Dave tried to kill me a few weeks ago when he stepped on my back. That bastard! I'm just teasing baby!!
I could go on and on about the myriad small things that mark the beginning of the end but I won't. You already know them and if you don't then...bless your lil dumb heart..you'll know in ten years or so.
Okay so maybe it is not Mondays. It could be the realization that I'm no spring chicken anymore. I'm not into the twilight years...THANK JEEBUS...but I'm past that first fanciful blush of youth. As I get older I realize there are just certain things that happen as the body begins that long, downward spiral into senility and frailty.
Sleep
This is the first thing to desert you as you get older. I love sleep. I truly do and I miss it so. In high school I would have listed sleeping as my favorite hobby. I'm sure my parents could attest to many wasted days of me just sleeping.
As I've gotten older that trusted friend has stabbed me in the back! I can't sleep in past 7am. Most days I begin to wake up around 5:30. And I have to go to bed around 9 p.m. but I don't fall asleep until after 10 p.m. It sucks. Naps are great but you know that a nap will completely jack your sleep schedule. I made that mistake yesterday and as a result didn't get to sleep till 4am and was up at 7 am. I'm pretty much a zombie today.
Your Body Betrays You
I never quite understood why older people groaned and moaned all the time. I do now. I also never understood back problems until now. Where the hell did my body go wrong? I don't have wrinkles...I have canyons. And motherfucker...if I find the piece of crap who told me that I'd grow out of acne and pimples I would beat him/her into the ground. Lying sack of garbage! Isn't it bad enough that I have wrinkles but to add insult to injury I still get acne!
The Miscellaneous Insults
And here is another thing about getting older that I just had to shake my head at the other day. When you are young you worry about how your bedroom smells. You want it to be fresh and clean. You don't want it to smell like sex, dirty socks, dust or have any funk. Wanna know what my bedroom smells like? Lavender and Icy Hot. Yep - not an appealing fragrance I know. Lavender is because I'm addicted to it and I think it helps me try to gain more precious hours of sleep. Icy Hot because I'm pretty sure Dave tried to kill me a few weeks ago when he stepped on my back. That bastard! I'm just teasing baby!!
I could go on and on about the myriad small things that mark the beginning of the end but I won't. You already know them and if you don't then...bless your lil dumb heart..you'll know in ten years or so.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
F*CK You Cosmo!
I have a deep, dark confession to make. I read self-help books, magazines and websites frequently. I do and I cannot help myself. Somehow each time I am fooled into thinking that this is going to be the one that actually works! This article is the key to my entire life! This website is going to make me better, stronger, faster etc. Each time I walk away saddened. Much like I'm sure Newt Gingrich feels after a run at the presidential election. It just doesn't seem to work.
The problem, I believe, is that all self-help books, magazines and websites treat us like we are 5 years old and that every problem is black and white. We aren't and it isn't. Your man isn't doing the dishes? Talk to him and explain what the problem is and how you feel. Ya...right fucker. You want to know the outcome of THAT conversation? He looks at you like you are a complete moron, you two have a fight over some freaking dishes and you spend the next few days miserable. The real world answer to that particular issue is pretty simple: either you do them or you don't. If he wants a clean dish he will eventually get he point or you will eventually cave in. The best case scenario is one where he hires a cleaning service but don't get your hopes up.
This leads me to what I believe to be the source of all discontentment in women's lives...magazines such as Cosmopolitan. Yep, you read that right - Cosmo is the bane of your existence and mine. If you are over the age of 30 you already know I am right and you know why. If you are younger than 30 you may still be blinded by the light. So allow me to bring you into the darkness of reality.
The US population, a quick figure, is roughly at 311,591,917. Roughly over half of that is female giving us a female population of 155, 795,958 women. From there you could estimate the ages and races but I don't give enough of a crap to warrant that kind of math. So let's just go with 155 million women.
How many of those 155 million women are below a size 6, live in New York City, and are single? No guess? I don't know. That's why I asked you. There are no real statistics on that question. I guess I could make one up - so let's go with 1 million and I'm being EXTREMELY generous. Cosmo reports that it has a monthly subscription of 3,021,720.
WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS CAUSING 2,021,720 WOMEN TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS RAG WHEN IT DOES NOT APPLY TO THEM?
Let's forget about the readers who pick up a copy at the checkout stand and instead focus on the subscribers. The cost is not much. It is roughly about 12.00 a year. 1.00 an issue at the cheapest online magazine subscription company. But that is 1.00 to make you feel less than you are. Send me 1.00 and I will guarantee that I will write a blog each month focusing on clothing that you aren't going to actually wear in Seattle, Washington or Little Rock, Arkansas. I'll write in a paragraph about the sex positions you already know about but gained a kink in your back trying simply because someone told you that it would increase your power with men.
Here is the truth no matter how many women and men chime in on how Cosmo can improve your relationship/life/bedroom circus antics etc: Men flinch when you open that magazine. Why? Because it will instantly fill your head full of doubt. You will not become empowered. You will try out the sex positions and then wonder why he is looking scared. You will think about buying some of the products and clothing they are shilling but in the end will decide that your own personal style is what you prefer. But only after you've spent money. Mmm...think that is what Cosmo is after? Money? Perhaps by making you and me feel inferior Cosmo understands that you will continue to buy the magazine in hopes of a quick fix.
Cosmo, Dr. Phil, The Five Love Languages and Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus aren't going to tell you anything you didn't already know. Men and Women are two completely separate creatures that have zero communication ability between us. We are just hardwired differently and I don't give a rats ass about Nature vs Nurture debates on this one. Come to think of it...maybe there really isn't anything truly different about men and women but instead there are just differences in person to person.
Cosmo is going to make your life miserable by telling you everything you should already know but don't. Except you already know it. If you can't fit into a size 2...I don't need to tell you that. You already know it. Cosmo would not be popular if it applied to the other 154 million women because it would not have anything new to sell.
I have learned to not pick up Cosmo unless I want to read the horoscope or the blunders portions. I like hearing about others' embarrassing moments. I can relate to many of those. Yet I still read self-help books and websites. Mainly because I think they are going to give me some insight into my psyche. They don't but they give me the illusion that I can fix all of the problems in my own mind. Honestly the only real solution is that I am me. I'm all that I can ever be just as you are all you can ever be. And that is pretty good when it comes down to it.
The problem, I believe, is that all self-help books, magazines and websites treat us like we are 5 years old and that every problem is black and white. We aren't and it isn't. Your man isn't doing the dishes? Talk to him and explain what the problem is and how you feel. Ya...right fucker. You want to know the outcome of THAT conversation? He looks at you like you are a complete moron, you two have a fight over some freaking dishes and you spend the next few days miserable. The real world answer to that particular issue is pretty simple: either you do them or you don't. If he wants a clean dish he will eventually get he point or you will eventually cave in. The best case scenario is one where he hires a cleaning service but don't get your hopes up.
This leads me to what I believe to be the source of all discontentment in women's lives...magazines such as Cosmopolitan. Yep, you read that right - Cosmo is the bane of your existence and mine. If you are over the age of 30 you already know I am right and you know why. If you are younger than 30 you may still be blinded by the light. So allow me to bring you into the darkness of reality.
The US population, a quick figure, is roughly at 311,591,917. Roughly over half of that is female giving us a female population of 155, 795,958 women. From there you could estimate the ages and races but I don't give enough of a crap to warrant that kind of math. So let's just go with 155 million women.
How many of those 155 million women are below a size 6, live in New York City, and are single? No guess? I don't know. That's why I asked you. There are no real statistics on that question. I guess I could make one up - so let's go with 1 million and I'm being EXTREMELY generous. Cosmo reports that it has a monthly subscription of 3,021,720.
WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS CAUSING 2,021,720 WOMEN TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS RAG WHEN IT DOES NOT APPLY TO THEM?
Let's forget about the readers who pick up a copy at the checkout stand and instead focus on the subscribers. The cost is not much. It is roughly about 12.00 a year. 1.00 an issue at the cheapest online magazine subscription company. But that is 1.00 to make you feel less than you are. Send me 1.00 and I will guarantee that I will write a blog each month focusing on clothing that you aren't going to actually wear in Seattle, Washington or Little Rock, Arkansas. I'll write in a paragraph about the sex positions you already know about but gained a kink in your back trying simply because someone told you that it would increase your power with men.
Here is the truth no matter how many women and men chime in on how Cosmo can improve your relationship/life/bedroom circus antics etc: Men flinch when you open that magazine. Why? Because it will instantly fill your head full of doubt. You will not become empowered. You will try out the sex positions and then wonder why he is looking scared. You will think about buying some of the products and clothing they are shilling but in the end will decide that your own personal style is what you prefer. But only after you've spent money. Mmm...think that is what Cosmo is after? Money? Perhaps by making you and me feel inferior Cosmo understands that you will continue to buy the magazine in hopes of a quick fix.
Cosmo, Dr. Phil, The Five Love Languages and Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus aren't going to tell you anything you didn't already know. Men and Women are two completely separate creatures that have zero communication ability between us. We are just hardwired differently and I don't give a rats ass about Nature vs Nurture debates on this one. Come to think of it...maybe there really isn't anything truly different about men and women but instead there are just differences in person to person.
Cosmo is going to make your life miserable by telling you everything you should already know but don't. Except you already know it. If you can't fit into a size 2...I don't need to tell you that. You already know it. Cosmo would not be popular if it applied to the other 154 million women because it would not have anything new to sell.
I have learned to not pick up Cosmo unless I want to read the horoscope or the blunders portions. I like hearing about others' embarrassing moments. I can relate to many of those. Yet I still read self-help books and websites. Mainly because I think they are going to give me some insight into my psyche. They don't but they give me the illusion that I can fix all of the problems in my own mind. Honestly the only real solution is that I am me. I'm all that I can ever be just as you are all you can ever be. And that is pretty good when it comes down to it.
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