Tao of Té The Necessity of Death and the Pain it Leaves Behind

Tao of Té The Necessity of Death and the Pain it Leaves Behind

 

For a few weeks my friend has been struggling with the knowledge that his father is quickly passing the veil. As the days and hours become closer he grows frustrated that he will not be there physically to comfort his father and the rest of his family. He is a great man who always helps others and it pains me greatly that there is nothing I can do for him besides tell him "I'm sorry. It sucks" and talk to him as much as possible."

Death is the ultimate common denominator in humanity. No matter how rich or poor, when death comes a' knockin' you don't get a choice on opening the door. But the thing about death and losing people you love is that it never gets easier. And as crazy and mean as it sounds…that is a GOOD thing. I never want death to get easier because I want to love that person completely. I don't wish death on anything but it comes, sometimes far too quickly to those that hold our hearts.

So everyone we know will eventually die and we will pass the veil as well. It is a necessity as we give way to someone else's life. It truly is a cycle of life. Currently I've been looking at that circle and how people deal with it. I often have found myself angry and pissed off at people going through things simply because I didn't agree with how they were doing it or expressing themselves regarding the problem. Then I realized that it was not their problem…it was me. I was the one allowing myself to judge their situation because it wasn't different than mine. Only I should be minding my own business and just being there if needed.

Now…a few weeks ago when my friend told me his father was dying, I was pissed that he wasn't camping out at his dad's house and being there. I couldn't believe it. But I was so in the wrong.  I was projecting my own guilt and it was not fair to him or anyone else. I don't know his pain anymore than he knew mind. How he is handling his father's illness is his own. It was guilt that ate at mine. It was the guilt I've assigned myself since my father grew ill and then passed away. There is so much guilt today about not returning to Arkansas more to stay next to his side. Guilt over not talking to him as much as I could. And guilt that I didn't think it was real.

I'm lucky. I have had some great friends that helped me through it all. It doesn't assuage the guilt, only time will do that or it may always a constant companion. But they helped lift the burden in some way. I hope that I can do that with my friend because he deserves having someone to hold out there hand and pulling him up to his feet. He deserves an open eye, ear and arms to hold him when he feels like he is breaking. I wish I could be there, physically, for him. There isn't a lot I can say to him but I can simply be there for him. I'd take his pain away but it is that pain that tells him how much he loves his father. It is the pain that will change his life forever. I can't take it, won't take it but I'll do my best to shoulder as much of it as he lets me. I hope he knows how much he is loved and how many hands and shoulders he has to help him through this.

Namasté

Portlandians and the True Understanding of What it is like here

Portlandians

 

I came to a not so unexpected realization yesterday while driving. I totally get Portlandians (I don't know for sure if that is what people from the Portland metro call themselves but I'm using it.) I get the incessant glorification of the sun after the long, rainy, cold winter. Last year was my first  full year after living in Bend.

Now Bend, Oregon is an experience unto itself. We moved there after a steaming hot summer in Little Rock. We left humidity and heat from hell and found ourselves in the high desert. I was disappointed rolling into Bend. The scenery from Idaho to Bend is desert. I didn't like it and I hadn't visited Bend prior to moving. Dave had and I trusted him. I did have the backup of every movie shot in the Northwest. It is green, huge ferns, towering trees and the unfiltered light that makes producers and directors clamor for filmmaking in the Northwest.

Uh yeah. That really isn't how 90% of Oregon looks like. Most of it is high desert. Dry landscapes, real tumbleweeds and a deficient  quota of rain, Bend especially. Bend receives most of its precipitation in the winter through snow. The entire time I lived there I may have seen 1 storm and only about 5 times a shower. I did, however, experience a type of snow I had never seen before. The days in the summer were glorious at 5,000 feet and the nights were chilly. But I hated not having the rain. I love rain. I love gray days.

So it became a blessing when we moved from Bend to West Linn. Now let me preface something before going on. I had come to Portland several times during the Spring and Summer prior to moving. I loved it. Glorious sunshine, temperate weather and so much green, berries and flowers! Uh yeah. We moved in late August and I was treated to my first taste of the Portland drizzle. Dave had warned me but I didn't believe him because it had never rained on any visit to Portland or the coast!

The Portland drizzle is only slightly less famous than Seattle's never ending drizzle. Portland has a rainy season and believe it or not, it is technically a temperate rainforest. The forest is breathtaking here. The coast is magnificent and on a clear day I get to see the completely snow covered slopes of Mt. Hood. (I was surrounded by magnificent mountains in Bend as well. Bend actually takes top prize for majestic mountains. It was the first time I saw snow in July and August.)

The first year in Portland I cherished the rain. As I mentioned before I love rainy days. I'm just that weird. I have a friend that is the same way. The winter was mild. I did experience frost so thick a person from the South would consider it snow. It rained until April or so and then it cleared up. It didn't rain much the entire summer and in fact we did have a heat wave that lasted two weeks and I had to buy a personal air conditioner. It is pretty unheard of here but two story houses suck when it comes to a single ac/heating unit.

So when fall rolled around last year I was ready for rain. I was ready for the cold weather. But then I got to experience Fall again. It was glorious. A riot of colors. My Japanese red maple stood out amongst the gold's and browns. Winter made her way in and we actually had snow. The rains continued and for the first time in my life I began to crave the sun. We had a mild winter, truth be told and it wasn't until the last two months or so that we had substantial rain.

But I get Portlandians now. My daughter summed it up the other day. She said she took a picture of the sun setting because she was afraid she wouldn't see it again. A sunny day here brings out every one. You see runners, walkers, dogs being led, windows open and people just getting out any way possible. You see people turning their face into the crystal clear sunshine and smiling. You take out a lawn chair and sit down basking in the rays. When the sun sets you mourn a little bit because you don't know if it is going to be gray and rainy the next two weeks.

I get it. I've become a Portlandian. I still love my Portland Drizzle but I cherish the sunny days. They immediately fill me with this all encompassing joy. I feel the magic that is in the air and I begin seeing the flowers blooming in all their glory. I drive past miles of blackberry bushes growing everywhere and I know that in a few months I will be hitting farmers markets, picking berries and soaking up the sun. I'll still love the rainy days but I totally appreciate the sunny ones.

I'm lucky. I live in a place where we have the most glorious seasons imaginable. Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter all offer something unique but more than that I finally get to experience them. In Arkansas you pretty much go from Winter straight into Summer ( and it is usually so hot and muggy that you can't do anything without panting and dripping sweat).

I think often of moving back because Arkansas will always be home to me. I miss my family and friends terribly but it wouldn't be the same as it was before. I've been gone too long. And then the sun pops out and I realize that I was born to live on/near the coast. I may not get to swim without turning blue. I may have to deal with daily drizzle but it makes me appreciate the sun ever so much.

To those looking to move because they feel hot, cold, stifled or just want to embrace a new adventure I say this: MOVE. Never be held down to one place if you don't want to be there. I offer up Portland as your next adventure. As for me…I may wind up on the other coast just to say I've been there. Who knows?

Namasté