The Enemy at the Gate
So, my little kats and kittens, it has been a while since
you had a fresh post. Have no fear…here it is to alleviate all signs of anxiety
and feeling of loss at my words. You’re welcome.
I recently had visitors from Arkansas. I was very apprehensive
about having these particular visitors, especially in the combination they
would come. Many people have asked me why I had one, in particular, come visit
me in the Fabulous Pacific North West.
(FPNW for short). I guess the answer is: she isn’t as bad as you might
think. There are layers to her and unfortunately you have to get through a
WHOLE LOT before you understand what motivates her, what has hurt her in the
past and what has shaped her. She hasn’t had it easy and continues to struggle
with it. But that is neither here nor there. I learned really quickly that the
phrase: “Not my circus. Not my monkey.” can truly bring you peace. It most readily applies to this visit.
Things turned wonky very fast. And after the departure they nosedived right
into oblivion. Do I regret it? Eh. I wanted to help her, and make her see that
things weren’t as bad as she thought. Then after a huge brouhaha I realized
that I just can’t do it. But anyway this all leads to a point.
Perhaps it was a bit of missing something from Arkansas. I
have begged my sister to come visit but I’m pretty sure Hades will be wearing a
fur coat before that happens. The running comment that I get is, “Why would I
want to go somewhere and be cold?” Well I guess that is a valid point except that we
do have summers here. C’est la vie. Que sera sera. Not my circus and not my monkey.
I’ve gotten my mom, two out of four of my best friends and I have promises from
the other two to come out in the future. That’s pretty good because I love
showing my loved ones how much this place has to offer and why I am here. I
mean come on…getting to drive past a white capped mountain daily is pretty
awesome. Seeing huge waterfalls, the Columbia, the ocean and various other hot spots does really make this place unique in all the world but it isn't for everyone. I want to share but if I don't then I can always enjoy it myself. Anyway... back to the initial thought behind this blog.
I am a people watcher. I watch them at work. I watch them in
public. I watch them at home and I watch them online. Some people are a true
delight. I love our communications. I love being intellectually challenged and
I also like a “can do” attitude. Now I’m not saying I’m Mary Poppins but I’ve
learned that to get peace, you have to push peace outward. It is pretty simple.
Simple as in it took me 38 years.
These past two years have been difficult for me. I’ve spent
more time in a hospital and under the knife than my entire life span. It
sucked. Wrecking your back sucks. Your dad dying sucks beyond all belief. But
under all of that pressure there is a diamond beginning to form. I appreciate
things far more than before. I appreciate that I have the chance to change my
destiny each time I wake up. I have a chance when I awake to have the option of
a good day or bad. I have a chance to say: Not my circus. Not my monkey. (Pay
attention kittens because that is pretty fecking important.)
There is one thing in particular that happens when you start
making great changes in your life. You realize what is healthy and what is not.
I know, for myself, that not smoking, exercising, diet and managing my anxiety
is good for me. It may not be the same for others. I do know, beyond 10000% of
a doubt that if you whine, pine and bitch about a situation then you are going
to be consumed by that problem.
I have a “friend” I guess, for lack of a better description,
that drives me bonkers. I feel for this person. I do. But this person has
played the “Oh poor me. My life is wrecked. My history and past has contributed
to this utter devastation and I have to prove to the world that I’m a survivor.
My significant other left me and has moved on but I continue to whine, pine and
lament over it. I wax intellectual, and try to post intellectually on other’s
comments but I can’t figure out if it is whether or weather and my posts look
like a drunk 10 year old wrote them. (And I am NOT being a Grammar Nazi at all. It really is hard to read this person's posts because you get lost.) Blah de blah blah blah.”
Uh yeah. That person. I’m not against public honesty. No one
practices it more than myself and I put myself out there for everyone to see. I
have zero secrets. I’m not ashamed of my past, per se, but I’m not rolling in
glory over it. I’m just me. There are many people who are private and that is
perfectly okay. They don’t agree with my philosophy and hey…it isn’t their
circus and it isn’t their monkey.
So I guess the question that might come to mind is this: if
these people drive you bat shit insane with their asinine, melodramatic
bullshit…why don’t you unfriend them? (I don’t even like that word even though
it has now made the dictionary.) That is a very good question and I’m glad you
asked.
I don’t know. I comment on their posts and hope they see
that there is someone that believes in them enough to take the time and
comment. But invariably they continue to try and milk the sob train and you
find yourself saying this often: Really? Are you kidding me? Really? (Now
picture me saying that aloud and tilting my head with a bewildered expression.
And then next picture me glaring upwards and shaking my head.)
The point of this entire blog is this: we all have our
demons. We all have our silent, secret enemies that creep upon our gate. We all
do. No one is completely free of them. They are things that have been derived
from our past. Silent, dark and stealthy wisps that come to the forefront of
our lives when we least expect it. There is little doubt in the fact that they
are our true enemies. That does NOT mean we have to tolerate them. You have the
chance to ignore them. You may not be able to exorcise them completely but they
don’t have to hold you down. Got dumped? Then move on and fall in love with
yourself for a while and you’ll be surprised at how much better you treat
yourself. I’m not advocating full on narcissism but if you aren’t comfortable
alone then you will never last in a relationship. Trust me. I’ve burned through
enough to know. Take my word on it. When YOU like yourself then you position
yourself so that others see the same thing. Confidence is sexy. Self-righteousness is not. But that’s for
another time.
You get what you give. It’s pretty simple. Have a bad relationship
in the past? When you fail to let go of the past, you can never reach for the
future. Only one day truly matters and that is the present. Bad things happen.
Sadness comes to our lives in devastating ways. We lose people we love and
others we lose because of a different life choice. There is no “right” way to
live but there are a whole lot of options. Keep that eye on the enemy at your
gate and you’ll come out sunny side up.
