Tao of Té Happy NYE!

2014 Look Out Baby 'Cause Here I come!!

 

Today millions of people will be pondering their New Year resolutions. Come midnight the champagne will flow, fireworks will go off and people will get that first kiss of the new year. I've heard what some of the resolutions will be of my friends. I've also seen some refuse to make any resolutions because they know they will break them.

Usually I am the one that does not make resolutions. The reason being is that I just suck. I don't stick to my resolution. I used to have the standard ones like lose weight, save more money, eat healthier. But then I stopped. That was wrong of me.

I am by no means saying you shouldn't make NYE resolutions. I just stopped because I was never fulfilling mine and it became a vicious cycle of making them, not doing them and then feeling bad because I felt like it was a year wasted.

This year, yet again, draws to a close. It has been one hell of a ride the last 13 months. Things have been tragic, horrible, painful and lonely at times. Yesterday I told my GYN, about my year. She was shocked. I've had five emergency surgeries and have broken my toe. That is a lot to squeeze into the year. Then she said something wonderful to me,  she said, "Wow those are some terrible things but you always pick yourself back up."

Do I really? Or do I just sit there waiting for someone else to pick me up? I'd like to think that I do the standing on my own. I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Each would help me in a millisecond. If it hadn't been for my friends I would not have had the strength to go on much less shoulder my burden, but they did. And still know the incredible pain I go through daily. It isn't fun and it just complicates things.

So here are my New Year Resolutions of things I am NOT going to do:

·         I am not going to let someone else's opinion of me make me feel less than I am.

·         I am going to reach out for help when I need it.

·         I am never going to stop showing people, or tell people that I love them as often as they can.

·         I am going to stop seeing the negative/bad parts pf people. Every person has someone good inside.

·         I am going to let grudges of my past and of people go. It is doing nothing to the other person than cause me more grief.

·         I am not going to let people steam roll over me.

 

So there you go. My list of Non-traditional NYE resolutions. There is nothing about saving money, eating well or working out. I've been doing that as often as possible this year. But I am going to be a better this year. I am going to love far deeper. I am going to push R.A.K. as much as possible to help start a movement of interest and of bringing people love. That is one resolution that can be started with someone at any time.

So let your grievances go. Give someone a smile randomly. Don't let regret weigh you down because you always have enough time, even if it is one minute from now, to let the baggage go.

This NYE we will be celebrating at home with some Nyquil due to the girl's giving us their contagion. I probably will be well asleep before the New Year so I want to wish you all the very best beginning to a New Year that you could possibly have.

Just remember to: Dream Big, Love Often, Ignore the small stuff and always keep a goal in mind even if it is nothing more than reading a book you have always wanted to read but haven't had the chance.

Tao of Té - Looking Back 20 Years Ago

Looking Back

 

Next May marks my 20 year Anniversary from the day I graduated High School. Today I brought out an old photo album and posted some pictures. For one of my friend's it saddened her to see a picture of herself when she was 16. For the life of me I didn't understand her reasoning. I find her more interesting today than I did then. I think she is prettier today then she was back so many years ago. But it did make me think.

What was I like 20 years ago? I wasn't naive and I wasn't innocent. Two people remarked that they missed those days. I don't. Why would I ever? Let me explain.

When I was in high school I never spoke up for myself. I let other's dictate how I felt about myself and many times I based my self worth on a guy's interest in me. I wasn't skinny like my friends. And as most overweight girls and young women, I let that weight interfere in some of my judgments. I didn't listen to what was waiting to unfold inside me. I had not experienced life.

If I were to go back in time and talk to the 18 year old me I would tell her this:

"Stop worrying about other people. Don't have sex just to make a guy happy because he is essentially using you and you deserve better. Speak up on things that matter and keep your tongue on things you could care less about. Care more though. Sometimes people mistake quietness for weakness and you were never weak. You just didn't know it. These aren't the best years of your life. Those are yet to come for me and you both."

I would take her hand and show her a map of the world and let her know that there are billions of people that struggle every day and show her how lucky she actually was. She had a Papa, Granny, Grandma and a father. I would kick her in the ass and make her go over and visit them so much it finally bothered them!

As I sit here thinking about myself I am shocked and happy to realize that I have accomplished so fucking much! I had two incredible kids, that at times drive me nuts, but are also the very best in me manifested in them. I have lived in a great many places but I have found my true home in the Pacific Northwest. I may eventually move to another place but it will be a choice I make and it will be another place I've always wanted to live.

I'm not wealthy but then again I've never wanted to be that way. I wanted to be happy with myself. And for the first time in my life I am. I have acknowledged that I suffer from OCD, Anxiety and Depression. But so what? That is okay and if I have a down cycle…I'll eventually come out of it.

I will never be skinny and that's okay. I am losing weight but it isn't for the purpose of looking great. It is because I want to feel great. Yes, my hair is falling out and I'm missing some female organs. I've had my spine opened up three times. I ache when I sit, lay or stand too long. But those things are okay because it means that I am alive.

When people start hating on me for my point of view I don't get angry at them. I don't feel sorry for them. Because they have just as much right to their viewpoint and opinion as I do. That was the entire point of my last great debate. Even if you don't agree with what is being said, you still have to afford them the right that you, yourself take.

I've realized that family means a whole lot but sometimes you have to stop being a baby bird and you have to leave the nest. For me this meant leaving behind a place I both love and hate. I love it because of family and friends but I hate it because it is the type of place that you never break free from the mold you were cast into back in high school. It is the type of small town that is constricting unless you were popular. I don't know if I ever was and honestly…I don't care.

The me of 20 years ago didn't fight for other people's rights. I am proud to have worked on spreading awareness for marriage equality for all. I am proud to live in a city where the LGBT community is making such inroads into equality. I am in awe and love when I have friends that break free and declare their sexuality. I didn't understand that then because I kept silent on those issues. I don't any longer. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I will fight for equality down to my last breath. But that means equality across the board.

I was jaded when I was 18. I was tired of high school and being typecast. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I didn't realize how beautiful I was or how beautiful I would be in 20 years. I am beautiful now. I have a shining soul that would help another at the drop of the hat. That is the only time I wish for wealth.

I have seen my oceans on my native homeland and one day will see them from other countries far across the way. I love my ocean though. The big crashing waves. The ice cold water. The brisk air as it comes rolling across the Pacific. I love my mountains, tall and capped completely in white.

Don't look back at your high school pictures and think those were the good days! Don't look back on those pictures and think of what you have lost! Think about what you have gained. I hope you have gained something because I know I am not alone in this. I know there are others who have gained tremendously after high school.

Yes,  there are wrinkles now and I sometimes have to remind myself how old I am. I have a satchel filled with bad decisions but each one has taught me a lesson and finally I have learned those lessons. There will be other bad decisions in my life and hopefully I'll learn from them the first time around.

So those pictures? Yes…we were young and we grew up. And it is a great thing because it means we are still around and can still have plenty of time for more Grand Adventures. Don't lament because a picture makes you feel old. Instead look back on it as the starting point of your life.

Namasté

Tao of Té Update

Tired

 

Wow, you all get a two for one special this week on Blogs in my Tao of Té series. It really isn't all that spectacular. More like a physical, emotional and mental update. You see…I love and loathe this time of year. And this last year, especially the last 13 months has been incredibly difficult for me.

So let's recap this year:

·         Dad passed away on 11/8/12

·         Hysterectomy and accompanying menopause (that is fantastic and I mean that with all sarcasm. Feeling like you are burning up from the inside is not fun and also feeling as if you are far older than you really are is totally awesome. Read sarcasm for all of that)

·         Back Injury that results in three surgeries

·         Let go from a job I absolutely loved and the people I truly liked being around, some of which now treat me like a pariah for no fucking reason other than they have turned out to be dbags. There are still some great ones that I communicate with often and they know who they are. The others who have chosen to act like I never existed or they ever pretended to be my friend should know that my favorite phrase is GFY. Yep. Truly.

·         Grandmother passed away 12/11/13

That's quite a lot in one year. Granted there have been some incredibly awesome moments such as when my mother came to visit, when one of my best friend's Angie came to visit on a spur of the moment which made my week and of course when I finally started and finished the first rough draft of my novel.

It's been a hard year. Some days seem harder than others. Especially being trapped at home and constantly dealing with back pain that I never had ever had before the injury in August. It has been a hard adjustment and the sympathy level in my house has plummeted to zero at times. I know it isn't their fault…they forget that I live in constant pain. On a scale from 1-10 I consider a good day to be a 4-5. That is pretty damn bad. Bad days can be 8's. And I'm becoming resigned to always having it.

I'm also being tested daily for patience because my long term disability insurance continues to delay paying me. So we live off of Dave's income which puts a strain on our marriage and our relationship. I feel as if he just is sick and tired of it all. It hurts. It truly hurts when your significant other just doesn't seem to get you anymore and doesn't even seem to care.

It's times like these that I wish my friends lived closer. A phone call often isn't enough. It helps that they are always on my side and two have promised to visit come this summer but that is a long ways away.

The worst part of being in pain and being on pain medications is the stigma. I'm not a pill popper. I don't take the medicine to get high but the world, and doctors, see me that way unless they see my MRI. Then they usually change their tone but eventually they start harping on taking steroid shots and doing PT. Kinda hard to go to PT when you know you are going to be in agony for days after each session. And steroid shots are just a band aid. They make you feel good for a couple of days then it all crashes back down and you also have to contend with massive weight gain. So I'm skipping those.

Another hard thing about pain medication is that it blocks the absorption of other drugs. Meaning my HRT (hormone replacement therapy for menopause) isn't working, my depression and anxiety medicine doesn't work and neither does my insomnia medication. My hair is falling out in clumps and is incredibly thin. I've lived with a very thick head of hair my whole life and now each time I comb it or wash it, it looks like Chewbacca took a bath. NOT fun.

The anxiety is often hard to cope with as well because it impacts the rest of my family. Some days I have a short, short fuse as evident above with my GFY attitude lately. It's just hard to find any happiness these days that lasts long before my anxiety over everything else kicks in. I worry about our bank account, paying bills, my insurance, Dave's job, my best friend backing out of visiting, my daughters and a host of other problems. I worry about not giving my loved ones enough presents and the girls not getting the financial help they want with trying to find a vehicle.

I also suffer being alone all day long which for me is a very bad thing because it makes me isolate myself. You'd think that I would want to be around my family when they get home even more but that isn't how my anxiety works. I get used to being lonely and then hide in my bedroom most of the time just sitting there. I have a brand new book I've been waiting more than a year for and I still have not even cracked the page. I just can't drum up the attention span to read it. I don't watch television or movies with the girls and Dave because I can't sit still or rest in one spot too long.

I struggle each and every day wondering if it is all worth it. I get down and think that if this is all life has to offer then why bother? It isn't fun battling that voice every single day. One disappointment after another racking up against me. I'd give anything to see my family for Christmas but I can't even get my own sister to come visit. I've asked countless times and it is usually ignored. I get that she is busy but it still hurts because I've been back to see my family several times and unfortunately will not be back again for quite some time.

So this Tao of Té isn't fun. It isn't funny. It's real and it is gritty. It isn't pretty but hey…it happens to the best of us at times. We all get down at times and I know I will pick myself back up, dust myself off, rub some dirt on it and then move on. I'll find my happiness again one way or another. I'll master this back thing and I'll guilt trip my friends and family into finally visiting if it takes me pestering them every single day with a text.

Come to think of it…that's a pretty good idea. Now that makes me laugh.

A Long Overdue Tao of Té

Long Over view Tao of Té

It has been quite some time since the last installment of my Tao series. There have been lots of things that have gone on in my life. Mostly bad but some good. I treasure each of the good occurrences and try to wade through the bad.

One of my best friends is the reason behind the Tao series. I wanted to let her know what I was going through with the death of my father. It wasn't so I could relate to her. It was meant more as a journey that she could see she was not alone. And that we all grieve in our own way and no one can tell you that they know what you are going through.

Another loved one died this past Wednesday, 12/11/13. It was, once again, an unexpected phone call that left me shaken. It left me guilt ridden once again of a thousand things I did not do. That is the curse of someone passing away. You feel horrible that you did not: call them more, visit them more, do more things with them. learn more from them, etc... Death is hard no matter how it hits you or where it hits you.

Death also makes others uncomfortable. Many will not even mention it unless you bring it up. That is when it hurts. Others will be there for you and though they cannot directly relate many times, they too have known great sorrow in their lives.

With the passing of my Grandmother last Wednesday, I was immediately consumed by grief. My first initial thought was, "I didn't call her like I meant to last week." This was immediately followed with, "I cannot go to her funeral and say my last good bye's."

My family assured me that it was okay, and expected, that I could not fly from Portland to Little Rock due to physical and financial reasons. It did not decrease my guilt though. I still felt as if I should be there. But I could not. I did, however, mourn her from afar. That was at least something I could do.'

Remember that folks. Even if you cannot comfort someone in person, often a phone call, text or even a post on their social media can be enough.

My Grandma passing immediately brought to mind all the things that I loved about her. I'm not saying she was always the best person to many important and loveable people. That is just the fact about people. Not everyone has fond memories and often the pain the deceased one has caused in the past can skew how the living relatives feel.

But my Grandma was different to us grandchildren. She took us under her wing and taught us many things. Some still stick with me to this day. She used to tell me the story of the first time she started babysitting me when my parents worked. Previously to this time, I had been under the care of a woman in Melbourne. I was very very young. The age which most people swear that children do not remember but I remember the woman and her son that watched me. She was a cruel woman that ignored me most of the day but more importantly ignored me when her son would beat on me.

My grandma told me the story how my father stopped by the woman's house and she could no longer offer an excuse as to why I was black and blue with bruises. He immediately took me to Grandma. She told me she opened the door and there I was...beaten by this horrid woman and her evil son. I was a toddler and I remember her son finding me in the closet where I had hidden and him hitting me and then the woman blaming me for it.

My grandma began to babysit all of us over time. Teaching each of us some Spanish, I think in hopes that we would one day have a conversation with her in her native tongue. She told us stories of Peter and his brother. She told us the story of Thumbelina. She taught, and gave, us about white gloves for little girls. She taught us to wear slips and petticoats. She took us to church and taught us her prayers.

As I grew older, though, I stopped going to her house. She didn't have the cool things my other grandparents had such as air conditioning, satellite and lights that could be on more than one at a time. I'll be the first one to admit that I was, at one time, one of the favorites of my Mom's parents. I spent summers at their house. I spent weekends as often as possible. When my Papa passed away it awakened me to death. I had spent hours with him doing what he wanted to do such as fish, swim at the creek and even do chores around the farm on the tractor.

My granny passed away and I grieved greatly for her. She had cared for me when I had my tonsils removed and was having a hard time recuperating.

But regardless I never stopped loving my Grandma. She still loved me as she had always loved us. I still enjoyed hearing her tales from living in Mexico and meeting my Grandfather. But I also began finding out the bad things she had done in her life to others. It was hard reconciling this loving Grandma with the woman who had hurt others deeply. I still loved her but at times was angry with her because she no longer wore the halo I had placed on her.

The reality is that she was human. She had made bad mistakes. She had turned her back on my father and mother for years. She had done terrible things to my mother, my aunt and my half aunts and uncles. I didn't understand how the woman I loved could have done these things.

But eventually realized that my relationship with her was not the same as theirs. She had changed when she had grandchildren. Maybe not to others but at least to us. And eventually I realized that was enough. Her halo was missing but the love was not.

Did she have favorite grandchildren? Of course. Was I one of them? I don't know and I don't care. Her love for me was enough. I know it hurt her that I stopped interacting with her when I grew up and I regret that. I do not regret our last time spent together. I do not regret the many visits where I sat with her on the couch and heard her narrate her many photo albums.

I do wish I could have seen and talked to her one last time. But that is the nature of someone passing away. You always regret not doing more.

The one thing I am appreciative of is her living a very full life. She was almost 89 years old. She was born in the 20's. That is a lot of life and experiences to squeeze into one life. She has seen tremendous change. I love her and I will mourn her death silently from over 2000 miles away. I will bear the sting of not contacting her as much as my sisters who live there.

I will always miss my Grandma. She was the last of my grandparents and another reminder that death comes to everyone no matter how much you are loved. I hope and pray that she is at peace with her husband, son and her other grandchildren that passed before us.