Sometimes It's the Little Things Found at IDGAF Lane near the Crossroad of GFY

I knew before I traveled to Arkansas to visit my family that returning would be difficult. I would be coming back to my home that I love but I would be leaving behind friends and family that I had not seen in over a year. It was far tougher than I imagined it would be for a variety of reasons.

The first was that I didn't get to visit enough of my friends that I wanted. My best friend didn't come over, Autumn couldn't come up due to illness, Whitney due to a car and so on and so forth. I did see my sister Sasha and Courtney (twice) and I did spend some very quality time with Mom, Dad, Grandma, Edward, Jim, Lexxy, Slayton, Tisha and Meagan. Oh and I spent several wonderful hours with my oldest friend Kerri as we sipped out drinks at the golf course and gossiped. Good times!!

But counteract all of that goodness with some very harsh realities:

• My dad is very sick and everyone is stressed about how to handle everything. What if something happens while I'm here?
• My best friend has pretty much deserted me. I can't remember the last time she actually picked up the phone to call without me initiating it, and lately has been kinda an ass thanks to a guy. I realize she's just trying to cope and work things out but...no need to be a dick to me and completely ignore me. It hurts and it sucks. I feel like I have lost my best friend in the entire world and nothing I say or do seems to matter anymore.
• My husband was laid off and now we are trying to move, find new jobs etc. All this on top of my daughter's school starting in two weeks and her having to move schools. It is very stressful.
• I'm starting a new work schedule that is killer but I'm going to have to give my notice and there is a good chance I'll just be let go.

I feel alone and that is really a bad place to be because I feel incredibly bitter. I'm angry about the cat peeing on my carpet. I'm pissed about my daughter becoming a teenager and taking out her hormones and rebellion on me. I miss my oldest daughter intensely. I'm frustrated that the housework around here is not getting done unless I do it on top of working.

And I'm frightened that my husband is very sick and we don't know what is wrong. All these things have brought me to this Friday afternoon of being about one twig short of the whole tree crashing down.

I'm pretty sure all it would take is someone attempting to go off on me for me to go Hiroshima at this point. I need to vent. Fuck it all...I know this. I need to get a thousand things off my chest and have absolutely no one that will listen. I don't need solutions to these problems...I just need an ear.

Not all my blogs are funny. Not all are ranting. Some are just an explanation of what is going on in my life. It's a good way for me to look back and see if I ever did make it out of the miasma of fog that is perpetually surrounding me.
Let's hope so because my anxiety is through the roof and all I want to do is sit back, flip everyone off and say, "SUCK IT BITCHES!!"

Estrogen in the Workplace

So I recently returned to a normal workplace atmosphere because I was driving myself nuts writing from home. I am fed up with writing for other people on topics that would drive a snail to the Salt Flats (for you slow types...that's suicide for snails and slugs.)

Wow that was a bit bitchy wasn't it? I'm ashamed of myself. Actually I'm not but it is a wonderful segue into Estrogen in the Workplace and my return to a call center type environment. I should strike those words because the owner does not feel that it is a "call center" and instead labels it as a "answering service." Ooookaaaay. Moving on.

Large call centers answering services usually have quite a large staff. This one has maybe 20 people? And I realize all work environments do come with their own fair share of drama, especially when you are not dealing in specialized environments. And even those do have the gossip/rumor mill. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, is quite like a call center environment. Granted there are lots of women working in them and while I try to be gender neutral I will be the first to admit that women create drama. We gossip. We bitch. And we talk about others. Well I don't but you bitches do. I was blessed with the IDGAF gene. I just want to go to work, keep busy, laugh and joke around and then go home. Believe it or not, I am very NICE at work. I am polite. I am cordial and usually humming a tune. I try to foster a good atmosphere because I'm very empathetic. I am greatly affected by the shitty attitudes of others and I fucking HATE drama. Why? It's because it keeps me up at night and I worry over it. I'm an OCD nut to the extreme.

Another secret fact about myself...I worry when someone doesn't like me. Well, I worry some. Okay...I worry a little. Okay okay Kat...I dont' worry much at all. It's that gene thing. (Ha Kat...I knew you'd be laughing to yourself about that one.)

But back to the new job. It is so fucking estrogen laden that you cannot say anything to anyone else. Everyone dislikes someone else but would never say anything to their face. I wanted so fracking bad to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with some of the gals there tonight but I held my tongue.

This is especially true when they gather together in a hen pecking circle and start trying to pass off that they don't talk about each other behind each other's back! Each one was talking about how honest they were! When none of them are. They all gossip. I've been there a month and already I see how each treats the other. I can pick out about 5 that truly have fantastic integrity. They just laugh, carry on about their day and don't participate in the drama.

Why women? Why do we do this to ourselves! We are the exact stereotypes we all say we hate. There isn't a woman I know that doesn't swear she hates drama, gossip and backstabbing yet there are very few that aren't guilty of it. I'll even hold my own hand up. I'm guilty of it at times. I love listening to the dirt on someone else and that is just as bad as the one saying it. I love gossiping with my BFF about everyone. So really I'm not better off. I just don't do it at work.

Today I had a mini Hiroshima at work due to frustration over an imperfect software system. I snapped a bit and bitched about some of the things I've noticed. And of course once I cooled down I realized that it really wasn't those girls fault. It was my own for being short tempered and not placing myself in their place. (Yes fuckers...I can be grown up occasionally!) Too late though. The damage was done. In my venting I didn't pay attention to who was nearby. She immediately ran inside and started yapping.

So hours pass and then two of the people are wanting to know if I'm mad at them. Or if they did anything to piss me off. How do I tell them "Yes...you pissed me off. No, I don't dislike you. I just think you have handled some situations in a less than positive manner and I've had to take the shit for you." So now I'm in that awkward position of trying to make them feel okay while just shaking my head.

This has reminded me that work is a place for just earning money, shooting the shit, doing your job occasionally and then clocking out. The key to great workplace happiness is never hanging out after work, never talking about another employee and just keeping your head down. Because when Estrogen is flowing then the bitches gotta be talking.

Oh and Men...you guys can be bitches too. Don't think you don't have gossip and drama!

Phrases I Loathe

It is my day off and as usual I found myself up at the butt crack of dawn. It really sucks having insomnia. I'm pretty sure every evil thing that goes wrong in my life can be attributed to lack of sleep. Hair problems? Lack of sleep. Sex problems? Lack of sleep. ADHD? Lack of sleep. I get the whole aging thing but it doesn't mean I have to fucking like it. Suck it old age!!

For several weeks now I've been pondering phrases that make me see red. A couple have actually been directed to sweet, lil ol' moi. Imagine that indignity! Fuck a duck. I mean come on...bitches gotta hate but they don't have to be juvenile about it. So here are the phrases I hate the most and my response to them.

1. Who the fuck do you think you are? (This tops the list)

Well...I think I'm Shonte' and I'm pretty sure that I'm a Goddess in my world so that would essentially make me the ruler of everything. No, I did not wake up this morning and forget who I am.

Why do people say this? What point is there in asking this rhetorical question? Obviously it is a slight meant to infer that you do not have power over the speaker. I get that. But since I'm a Goddess I don't give a fuck.

2. Eat a Dick. (Usually followed by Cunt, Bitch or Whore)

This statement is usually thrown out by a very insecure crack whore. Okay I don't know if the person is a crack whore but I love saying that phrase. "Crack whore" or "Meth whore" are personal favorites because it conjures to mind a pock marked hooker that hasn't showered in weeks and is the town bike. But I digress.  Guys don't say this because it is one of their greatest fears. No guy likes some chick chomping down on his man bits and giggle berries. Only women toss this one out and there is only one response: Roll your eyes and say "Really? Really?"

3. Get over yourself.

Why should I get over myself? I like myself finally and have accepted that there may be one or two people on this entire Earth that do not feel the same way. Once again I understand the connotation to this remark. The speaker wants to demean the other and make them feel insignificant. Not gonna fucking work bitches because I need to direct you to #1 where I explain that I'm a Goddess. I can "get over" situations. I can "get over" life...but I'm not going to get over myself.

4. You can't tell me what to do.

Yes. I. Can. In fact if I just told you something...I did in fact tell you what to do. You, however, have this wonderful thing called free will in which you can decide whether or not to act. My response when someone tells me to go do something is a simple "yes" or "no." Nothing pisses off people more than one word responses. I love them when they aren't directed at me.

5. I feel sorry for... (your kids, your husband, your family, your friends, your dog..etc.) for being with you.

This is the only statement where I can almost become physically violent. I KNOW I should never use physical violence but this one will almost cause me to Hiroshima on someone. It is the unforgivable phrase to utter to me because I NEVER forget it. This isn't actually about feeling sorry for someone. It is trying to feel superior to them. I had a crack whore say this about my daughters simply because I told her to stop contacting me and my husband. She called me deranged for stating that a police officer showed up at my house looking for her. Uh..hello? A cop did show up.

This statement is the worst thing anyone can say to another because it is vile. You are dragging others into a verbal sparring match and it is always said by someone that has ZERO clue about your life.

Expressing sympathy, empathy and regret towards someone is fine. Feeling sorry for someone because of a situation is fine. But making this statement with the intent to make you feel like you are less than what you are or somehow you affect others badly...just wrong.

The bad thing is I've been guilty of these statements. I used to swear never to drop the "C" word at someone and I've used it a few times. I was mad. Do I regret it? Nope not one bit. The bitch deserved it and that is exactly what she was acting like. I've delivered it to a few guys as well.

We all get mad at people and sometimes it breaks down into a verbal, or written, argument. It's life. It happens to the best of us. And these are just the phrases that tweak my buttons and make me roll my eyes and say, "Really? Really? You can't do any better than this?"

Full Circle

I've been struck with ennui lately. (Ha Grammar Nazi's...there's your $3.00 word!) This complete lassitude has been in regards to life in general. I realized there was more to it than just my complete disinterest in the world and I finally pegged exactly what it was that was wrong. My best friend has deserted me. Okay...no not really. She's my best super friend forever and would never ditch me but she has been busy with her life and I don't begrudge her one freaking iota of her happiness. But it does allow me to say a huge "HA MOTHERFUCKING HA HA HA!!" to her and this I will happily do. Allow me to elaborate.

As BFF extraordinaire we are gifted with responsibilities and virtues. The first responsibility is to always blame any testicles for problems. I don't care how badly I've fucked up...Kat will blame Dave. Even if we both know that I'm the one to blame she will take my side and that is as it should be. The same goes for taking sides. The girl has my back. The only exceptions to the Ultimate BFF is if one is doing something irrevocably harmful. Then the BFF is obligated to swoop in, smack the back of the head and straighten the shit out.

Now allow me to elaborate on what has been happening and why I'm cackling maniacally with glee. I've known Kat for roughly 8 years of thick, thin, hell and high water. She's been with me through numerous bad dates and failed marriages. I've been with her through the birth of a complete cutie and her divorce and her move. She's been with me for my move as well.

But now...oh now we are entering into territory I've been waiting YEARS for. My dearest BFF is in love. And this is not your run of the mill love. This is OIL love. Yep readers...that is Once in a Lifetime Love. When we first met she told me of her past relationship with Mr. X before her husband. And then when she divorced she told me of their rekindled friendship. I just lifted an eyebrow and kept my musings to myself. I would wait this hand out patiently.

Now their relationship is far from easy and there are a lot of rocky times but...this is what I've been waiting for. When I went batshit insane about Dave and constantly talked about him to Kat...I know she had to want to roll her eyes and gag over the mushy crap. I know I bugged the shit out of her with my talk of true love and all that emotional oohh la la. I know I faded out of existence for a while when he was around because he took up most of my energy and she patiently waited me out. She has always been there to listen to me. When he fucked up...she was right there telling me what an ass he was. When I fucked up...she was right there telling me what an ass he was. That is what a TRUE best friend does.

So now for her OIL that I've been patiently awaiting. I knew, despite her protests, that she'd get into a relationship again one day. I knew I just had to be patient because her happiness was right around the corner. She couldn't see it at the time but I knew that eventually the OIL would happen. And it did.

I'm so happy for my BFF that I have grinned all day. I can now be the BFF that tells her what a screw up he is when he makes her angry or sad (all while thinking in my head that it's probably an overreaction...because I know she's thought the same thing but we both will never say it!). I get to make gagging motions to my husband because of all the syrupy sweet things they do. All while giving him the stink eye because he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.

I cannot WAIT till those two fuckers get married because I get to see my best friend in the entire world finally have a marriage that she's been waiting for. And I'll pull him aside and give him the "talk" about what happens if he ever hurts her and the "talk" about how to handle her the best.

Do I want to tell her to go slow and take it easy? Hell fuck no! Girl...run to that happiness and soak up every single moment of it that you can. You deserve it! Let him rock your world and make the sky turn nine shades of red! Life is about seizing every single moment that you can and BEING in that moment.

And don't for one minute think you are being a bad friend by not listening to my day because you've been there enough for me and this is your time to shine. I don't feel pushed out...I feel warm and fuzzy and happy that you have your OIL!

So readers...take this message from this posting to heart. Never lament when a friend moves on with her life. Instead celebrate it and know that the BFF position changes constantly. One moment you are the one threatening to cut off cahones and the next...you are grinning because you can spot the arguments a mile away and know that your BFF has so much in store.

Mamacita I love you!! Now get married so I can come back to the South and visit!!!

Next

It was my first 4th of July here in Bend and it was spectacular. I've never lived any place where I was actually chilly while waiting for the fireworks display! In fact I've had a bit of a time adjusting to the fact that this is summer and I'm not dying of the heat. It is far different back in Arkansas where many fireworks displays were cancelled due to the drought and the significant heat wave!

The day was incredibly relaxing. We ventured out to the lava fields and walked down the river trail to the falls. The trail was fantastic and the sight of that much rushing water is always awe inspiring. As I walked back towards the car I somehow found myself alone, in front of Dave and Maesin, who were leisurely walking. Even though I have the shortest legs on the planet I tend to always rush when I walk. As I'm rushing through my walk back to the vehicle where Kennedy was waiting I had a thought...My entire life was a simile of that walk. I rush through everything.

I don't know what to do with downtime. I don't take time to treasure each moment and instead rush to get through it to the next one. When I wake up each morning I think about getting through the day just so I can get back to sleep and hit the next day. Time is quickly passing me by and I cannot remember the last time I just stopped and enjoyed the moment.

When I watch a movie...I can't wait to get to the end so I can think about it, discuss it and be done. Work is the same way. I just get through it. There I was, on that incredible path and I rushed through it to be done. When I set out I thought about how much time it was going to take me to hike that mile and what I would do next. It is always about "next" and that makes me sad.

Kennedy has been here for little over three weeks and in five days she returns home. I may not get to see her until December. The time she has spent here as flown by and I don't know if I've truly savored any of those moments. I've gotten through them. We've done things but I don't think I've actually just stopped and been in the moment. It's always about the NEXT thing.

I'm one of those people who does something, gets through it and then wants to discuss it with my friends or family. But I didn't stop to ENJOY it while I was doing it. I didn't capture the moment and brand it into my heart and soul.

I tell people that I have the attention span of a gnat on meth and it is true. I can't concentrate for shit. I can't pay attention anymore and it has me wondering how I've let my spirit, mind and body turn into this mush. I'm like oatmeal without any brown sugar or flavor. I'm the instant oatmeal of life. It'll keep you alive but it won't nourish the brain and soul.

So how do I get that perspective? How do I enjoy each moment and commit those to memory? How do I treasure all the things that happen in my life and stop watching the clock? I always want something bigger and better without realizing that I have those things now and I'm just letting them slip away unnoticed.

I think my goal should be not to have any goals anymore. I want to just breathe and be. Be in the moment. Be in the feeling and stop rushing through everything. That's what I want to BE. Be in the now and Be good for myself and all those around me.

The Friend Zone? Ways to Tell He is Interested in You

So I recently read an article on Jezebel ( you can read it here it is by Samantha Irby) about the Bro' Zone. It is that magical place females find themselves when they lust/love a guy but he considers her just a friend. All of you kats and kittens know what I'm talking about. Most women at some point in their lives has received the "talk" about not wanting to ruin a great friendship or you are his hang out buddy. Don't even fucking deny it bitches because I know you are lying if you do!

All joking aside...we, females, do it all the time to guys. I know I have certainly been guilty of it. Yes...I have deliberately put a guy into the friend zone because I truly liked his friendship. Yes...I have put a guy into the friend zone because he did shit for me. I have had my fair share (no I'm not listing a number but we'll say it is higher than 1) of F*ck Buddies. Those are the guys you don't want to hang out with, you don't want them doing anything for you other than a quick round of bed play. They don't get to stay the night and you never tell most of your friends. Hell...I've had one that I never even told my BEST FRIEND! Yep...man he was so totally not what I'd pick out for myself. Even pretending to be his friend irritated the piss out of me. He was atrocious but hey...it was a low point in my life. But enough about that. My sexual conquests are certainly interesting but I'm getting off track.

Here is the thing: if you do not want to be put into the Friend Zone then you have to know the signs. This is for guys and girls. These are some tips that will help you stay clear of that murky area where heartache and angst lie in wait. Now if you can certainly apply this to the Friends with Benefits Zone as well. They are interchangeable.

1. Don't Aim Too High! Guys: if you can't: shower on a daily basis, brush your teeth, consider homemade tattoos "cool", think a business degree can be attained in two weeks via an Internet course, are a sociopathic drug user that looks like the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz except 50 lbs lighter, or just attend way too many comic book conventions...you aren't going to get a supermodel. You aren't going to be dating the Homecoming Queen. You aren't going to get that insanely hot chick that looks like Megan Fox but stars in pornos. A recent study showed that a huge majority of men (even the butt ugly ones) always think they can win the supermodels and Homecoming Queens. They always shoot too high and clearly outside their social, economic, political and environmental status quo. AND THEN BITCH BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND A "DECENT" WOMAN!! Be realistic. The same holds true for women. Nice personalities only go so far. If you look like a troll (and not one of the cute ones with the standing hair) then you are not going to get the Brad Pitt. The only exception to this rule is money. If you have a lot of money then...fuck you can have whoever you want.
2. You Get Asked to Attend a Wedding and You Aren't Dating: No one likes to show up at a wedding alone. It kinda makes you feel like an outsider and a bit pathetic because someone will ask about your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife at some point and you either have to lie or just admit that you are single. With cats. But if you get asked to a wedding by a guy/girl you aren't dating exclusively....you are now in the Friend Zone. Two types of people go to weddings together: Buddies and those in Relationships. Know the difference and you'll go far.
3. Internet: Yes, I have to take it there. Now granted I do know many successful stories of people that have met through the Internet. Some have reconnected over the years and some have been new meetings. But for every successful romance I can give you 100 stories of guys/girls looking for a quick hookup. Granted there are more guys doing the trolling than girls but it still happens. Taken men use the Internet because it is safer than trolling bars and laundromats. You should always weigh that new connection with a very doubting mind. Oh and always ask for a current picture with a newspaper! Oh and a background check! Oh and always ask if he is currently a meth head user/dealer! Just some quick tips :)
4. Last Minute Calls: Listen, we all have things that come up at the last minute but if someone truly wants to be with you and values your time...he/she will schedule beforehand. Friends are the ones that get the biggest leeway in this department because it is almost always a casual invitation. If he calls you to come over to a party, but didn't mention it beforehand and he's drunk when he calls, he probably thinks of you as a friend (probably with benefits.) It's the truth.

Now...here is the real truth. If you do not want to be in the Friend Zone/Friends with Benefits department is all boils down to how you present yourself. I know some fantastic ladies that always have this inherent dignity that just exudes from their perfect pores. I, however, am not one of these people and I tend to learn all my lessons the hard way. I'm getting better all the time. I'm like fine wine baby! Or cheese...ya probably more like cheese.

The simplest solution is to not play the guessing game. When I want to know if Dave likes me....I ask. When we were dating I didn't play coy and I didn't assume anything. I told him that if he liked me he would have to tell me because my signals always steer me wrong. We even came up with our own code words to express certain sentiments.

Life is pretty hard and the talking monkey's make it even harder. We spend so much time "inferring" emotion, sentiment, thought and action that we often miss exactly what is in front of our face. If we would just ask the right questions and take the answers at face value...we'd be pretty well off. Obviously we wouldn't be in politics though! Ha I kill me.

Psst...it really isn't me...it is you!

I know I have laxed a bit in the posting but I really didn't feel I had anything important to say. Well...that isn't true. I always think I have important things to say but when I review them...they all come up sounding trite. Blech on all that junk. But I do have something I have been pondering the last few weeks and feel a need to confess: I'm a lurker.

Yes, I am a lurker. I read news stories daily and I always span through the comments. I Google things and I read the reviews. I look through forums for tid bits of information but really there are two areas of the Internet that draw me in. It is comments on news articles/postings and its Craiglist's Rants & Raves.

News articles/postings can sometimes make me shake my head. I've posted things on Facebook before that were purely sarcastic and humorous (at least to me and that's all I fucking worry about) but there have been some commenter's that completely missed it. Now before jumping my shit and arguing please bear in mind that I'm a sarcastic bitch of the 9th degree. I haven't attained level 10 yet but I'm working on it. Some argue that sarcasm is the last bastion of the simple minded in response to a verbal or mental attack. Horseshit! Do you know how hard it is to find the right appropriate sarcastic response to any given situation?? It takes years of dedicated practice, a thorough knowledge of pop culture, memes and other retarded monkey fodder. It takes patience and delivery. Not every comment is sarcastic otherwise you'll have burn out. You have to wait for the right moment and it has to be flawlessly delivered. A cough, sneeze or hiccup can ruin it and leave you looking like a moron. And you have to tailor the intelligence level to the audience. It's hard fucking work.

Now back to what I was blathering about. News articles really have let me down. I realize true journalism is dead. There is NO such thing as an unbiased article...especially on the web. It is not possible. If you can find me ONE completely unbiased article that is factual, not inducing the public to lean any way but to make up their own minds (ha fucking ha) then I'll post a picture of Dave naked in a tutu. (Note: My husband doesn't read my blogs or I'd be center of Hiroshima if he caught wind of this so let's just keep that between you and I. We're all friends here :)) Okay so on second thought no naked pictures of Dave because I value my life and fear reprisal. Instead I'll post a picture of Meeka and Suki reenacting the Lion King.

But regardless of the biased nature of news stories...it is the comments that leave me shaking my head and rejoicing that I sent in my resignation letter to humanity more than five years ago. Being part of talking monkeys is not my idea of impressive and if you read enough news commenter's...you'll join me. Hell we can book a ticket off the planet for the poo slingers. Granted there are some that are logical, polite and grasped the meaning of the article. The other 98% are trolls who invariably get off topic and somehow race, sexual orientation, economics and politics are brought up. It could be an article on slugs invading England and some idiot poo slinger will miss the point of the article.

I went to a very small school but I rejoice every single day for the quality of my education. Yes...my grammar sucks but that is why I have editors. :) They help me all the time. I write and they polish. But my wonderful teachers through elementary and high school taught me how to read something and understand it. My college professors helped that skill along further. Sadly that is a skill that some have not learned.

Now for Craigslist Rants and Raves...that is one jacked up website. I don't care what city you pick it is nothing but trolls of the worst kind. It is either far left or far right politics that are as close to factually based as I am to walking to the moon. That website teaches me that people who hide behind an anonymous posting have no input. Otherwise they would put their name behind it and stand behind their convictions. It also reminds me which people will make my zombie survival team and which ones will be used as cannon fodder/ bait.

The only people I find more detestable are the Internet Grammar Nazi's. Really? I mean REALLY? Does it matter that fucking much if someone used "its" instead of "it's?" That is the one type of person I have to physically restrain myself from punching them in the face. Correcting someone to their face is a bit bolder but it certainly is not safer. If you happen to be a Grammar Nazi do yourself and your face a favor and just don't be a douche bag. It's pretty much on par with reprimanding someone for using the wrong fucking fork. It does not make you look more intelligent but it does help those party invitations from arriving because the reality is no one likes a giant grammar correcting douche.

Okay so there is my rant and rave. There were other things going on in my life the last couple of weeks that could have made the blog (i.e. psycho, meth whore) but that lasted about .02 nano seconds of my time and effort. :)