Looking Back
Next May marks my 20 year Anniversary from the day I
graduated High School. Today I brought out an old photo album and posted some
pictures. For one of my friend's it saddened her to see a picture of herself
when she was 16. For the life of me I didn't understand her reasoning. I find
her more interesting today than I did then. I think she is prettier today then
she was back so many years ago. But it did make me think.
What was I like 20 years ago? I wasn't naive and I wasn't
innocent. Two people remarked that they missed those days. I don't. Why would I
ever? Let me explain.
When I was in high school I never spoke up for myself. I let
other's dictate how I felt about myself and many times I based my self worth on
a guy's interest in me. I wasn't skinny like my friends. And as most overweight
girls and young women, I let that weight interfere in some of my judgments. I
didn't listen to what was waiting to unfold inside me. I had not experienced
life.
If I were to go back in time and talk to the 18 year old me
I would tell her this:
"Stop worrying about other people. Don't have sex just
to make a guy happy because he is essentially using you and you deserve better.
Speak up on things that matter and keep your tongue on things you could care
less about. Care more though. Sometimes people mistake quietness for weakness
and you were never weak. You just didn't know it. These aren't the best years
of your life. Those are yet to come for me and you both."
I would take her hand and show her a map of the world and
let her know that there are billions of people that struggle every day and show
her how lucky she actually was. She had a Papa, Granny, Grandma and a father. I
would kick her in the ass and make her go over and visit them so much it finally
bothered them!
As I sit here thinking about myself I am shocked and happy
to realize that I have accomplished so fucking much! I had two incredible kids,
that at times drive me nuts, but are also the very best in me manifested in
them. I have lived in a great many places but I have found my true home in the
Pacific Northwest. I may eventually move to another place but it will be a
choice I make and it will be another place I've always wanted to live.
I'm not wealthy but then again I've never wanted to be that
way. I wanted to be happy with myself. And for the first time in my life I am.
I have acknowledged that I suffer from OCD, Anxiety and Depression. But so
what? That is okay and if I have a down cycle…I'll eventually come out of it.
I will never be skinny and that's okay. I am losing weight
but it isn't for the purpose of looking great. It is because I want to feel
great. Yes, my hair is falling out and I'm missing some female organs. I've had
my spine opened up three times. I ache when I sit, lay or stand too long. But
those things are okay because it means that I am alive.
When people start hating on me for my point of view I don't
get angry at them. I don't feel sorry for them. Because they have just as much
right to their viewpoint and opinion as I do. That was the entire point of my
last great debate. Even if you don't agree with what is being said, you still
have to afford them the right that you, yourself take.
I've realized that family means a whole lot but sometimes
you have to stop being a baby bird and you have to leave the nest. For me this
meant leaving behind a place I both love and hate. I love it because of family
and friends but I hate it because it is the type of place that you never break
free from the mold you were cast into back in high school. It is the type of
small town that is constricting unless you were popular. I don't know if I ever
was and honestly…I don't care.
The me of 20 years ago didn't fight for other people's
rights. I am proud to have worked on spreading awareness for marriage equality
for all. I am proud to live in a city where the LGBT community is making such
inroads into equality. I am in awe and love when I have friends that break free
and declare their sexuality. I didn't understand that then because I kept
silent on those issues. I don't any longer. Anyone who truly knows me knows
that I will fight for equality down to my last breath. But that means equality
across the board.
I was jaded when I was 18. I was tired of high school and
being typecast. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I didn't realize how
beautiful I was or how beautiful I would be in 20 years. I am beautiful now. I
have a shining soul that would help another at the drop of the hat. That is the
only time I wish for wealth.
I have seen my oceans on my native homeland and one day will
see them from other countries far across the way. I love my ocean though. The
big crashing waves. The ice cold water. The brisk air as it comes rolling
across the Pacific. I love my mountains, tall and capped completely in white.
Don't look back at your high school pictures and think those
were the good days! Don't look back on those pictures and think of what you
have lost! Think about what you have gained. I hope you have gained something
because I know I am not alone in this. I know there are others who have gained
tremendously after high school.
Yes, there are
wrinkles now and I sometimes have to remind myself how old I am. I have a
satchel filled with bad decisions but each one has taught me a lesson and
finally I have learned those lessons. There will be other bad decisions in my
life and hopefully I'll learn from them the first time around.
So those pictures? Yes…we were young and we grew up. And it
is a great thing because it means we are still around and can still have plenty
of time for more Grand Adventures. Don't lament because a picture makes you feel old. Instead look back on it as the starting point of your life.
Namasté
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