Long Over view Tao of Té
It has been quite some time since the last installment of my Tao series. There have been lots of things that have gone on in my life. Mostly bad but some good. I treasure each of the good occurrences and try to wade through the bad.
One of my best friends is the reason behind the Tao series. I wanted to let her know what I was going through with the death of my father. It wasn't so I could relate to her. It was meant more as a journey that she could see she was not alone. And that we all grieve in our own way and no one can tell you that they know what you are going through.
Another loved one died this past Wednesday, 12/11/13. It was, once again, an unexpected phone call that left me shaken. It left me guilt ridden once again of a thousand things I did not do. That is the curse of someone passing away. You feel horrible that you did not: call them more, visit them more, do more things with them. learn more from them, etc... Death is hard no matter how it hits you or where it hits you.
Death also makes others uncomfortable. Many will not even mention it unless you bring it up. That is when it hurts. Others will be there for you and though they cannot directly relate many times, they too have known great sorrow in their lives.
With the passing of my Grandmother last Wednesday, I was immediately consumed by grief. My first initial thought was, "I didn't call her like I meant to last week." This was immediately followed with, "I cannot go to her funeral and say my last good bye's."
My family assured me that it was okay, and expected, that I could not fly from Portland to Little Rock due to physical and financial reasons. It did not decrease my guilt though. I still felt as if I should be there. But I could not. I did, however, mourn her from afar. That was at least something I could do.'
Remember that folks. Even if you cannot comfort someone in person, often a phone call, text or even a post on their social media can be enough.
My Grandma passing immediately brought to mind all the things that I loved about her. I'm not saying she was always the best person to many important and loveable people. That is just the fact about people. Not everyone has fond memories and often the pain the deceased one has caused in the past can skew how the living relatives feel.
But my Grandma was different to us grandchildren. She took us under her wing and taught us many things. Some still stick with me to this day. She used to tell me the story of the first time she started babysitting me when my parents worked. Previously to this time, I had been under the care of a woman in Melbourne. I was very very young. The age which most people swear that children do not remember but I remember the woman and her son that watched me. She was a cruel woman that ignored me most of the day but more importantly ignored me when her son would beat on me.
My grandma told me the story how my father stopped by the woman's house and she could no longer offer an excuse as to why I was black and blue with bruises. He immediately took me to Grandma. She told me she opened the door and there I was...beaten by this horrid woman and her evil son. I was a toddler and I remember her son finding me in the closet where I had hidden and him hitting me and then the woman blaming me for it.
My grandma began to babysit all of us over time. Teaching each of us some Spanish, I think in hopes that we would one day have a conversation with her in her native tongue. She told us stories of Peter and his brother. She told us the story of Thumbelina. She taught, and gave, us about white gloves for little girls. She taught us to wear slips and petticoats. She took us to church and taught us her prayers.
As I grew older, though, I stopped going to her house. She didn't have the cool things my other grandparents had such as air conditioning, satellite and lights that could be on more than one at a time. I'll be the first one to admit that I was, at one time, one of the favorites of my Mom's parents. I spent summers at their house. I spent weekends as often as possible. When my Papa passed away it awakened me to death. I had spent hours with him doing what he wanted to do such as fish, swim at the creek and even do chores around the farm on the tractor.
My granny passed away and I grieved greatly for her. She had cared for me when I had my tonsils removed and was having a hard time recuperating.
But regardless I never stopped loving my Grandma. She still loved me as she had always loved us. I still enjoyed hearing her tales from living in Mexico and meeting my Grandfather. But I also began finding out the bad things she had done in her life to others. It was hard reconciling this loving Grandma with the woman who had hurt others deeply. I still loved her but at times was angry with her because she no longer wore the halo I had placed on her.
The reality is that she was human. She had made bad mistakes. She had turned her back on my father and mother for years. She had done terrible things to my mother, my aunt and my half aunts and uncles. I didn't understand how the woman I loved could have done these things.
But eventually realized that my relationship with her was not the same as theirs. She had changed when she had grandchildren. Maybe not to others but at least to us. And eventually I realized that was enough. Her halo was missing but the love was not.
Did she have favorite grandchildren? Of course. Was I one of them? I don't know and I don't care. Her love for me was enough. I know it hurt her that I stopped interacting with her when I grew up and I regret that. I do not regret our last time spent together. I do not regret the many visits where I sat with her on the couch and heard her narrate her many photo albums.
I do wish I could have seen and talked to her one last time. But that is the nature of someone passing away. You always regret not doing more.
The one thing I am appreciative of is her living a very full life. She was almost 89 years old. She was born in the 20's. That is a lot of life and experiences to squeeze into one life. She has seen tremendous change. I love her and I will mourn her death silently from over 2000 miles away. I will bear the sting of not contacting her as much as my sisters who live there.
I will always miss my Grandma. She was the last of my grandparents and another reminder that death comes to everyone no matter how much you are loved. I hope and pray that she is at peace with her husband, son and her other grandchildren that passed before us.
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