Letter To My Daughters

Letter to my Daughters

A Letter to my Daughters

 

Dear Daughters,

I wanted to take a moment and talk to you. Well, not literally talk to you, but more figuratively. Sit down and let me impart a bit of my knowledge. I know you are at the age when you think you have it all down pat but humor me for a bit.

As I was tending the yard, I had an epiphany. Once upon a time I hated doing any type of housework. It all seemed futile. The grass would just grow up again. The dishes and laundry would just pile up. It was a monotony of the same chores over and over each week. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to have a fabulous career and be someone special.

Children do not, necessarily, make someone special. There are some fabulously special people in the world that do not have children, either through choice or circumstance. Did you make me special? No. As hard as that is to believe, I do have a life outside of you. But here is what makes me special, and one day I hope it makes you special as well, I developed understanding and empathy.

So here are some lessons I learned that I pass to you. As you know, the 8th of each month is special to me. It is a reminder that life is fleeting but the knowledge and memories you leave behind are monumental and immortal.  My parents, grandparents and friends have left indelible marks on my life. It is especially my parents and grandparents that have left the greatest. My dad left me the ability to stop and think. My mom is showing me, every single day, what true love is and how to be strong when others would crumble.

·         Your job is not what defines you. You define your job. This may seem confusing but it really all comes down to your ethics. Everyone answers to someone. While you may at times think a job is beneath you, it really is not. You are learning something each and every time you go to work. You are learning how to meet new people. You are learning new things. You are learning responsibility. Whether it is flipping burgers or running a billion dollar company...you are defining your job. Never disrespect those individuals you feel are working dead end jobs or service industry jobs. Without them, society would cease to function.

·         Tasks you think are a waste of time...actually do have purpose. I hated doing yard work or housework. Yet I saw my parents enjoy doing them. Why on earth would anyone like getting dirty or cleaning? I understand now. It is a task that has a beginning and an end. It is an accomplishment. Strive for the highest goal you can imagine but keep those small tasks. Each one checked off is an accomplishment. They may not mean much at the time but they will be satisfying later.

·         I am not your friend. A parent makes a horrible mistake the moment they want to be their child's friend. A friend implies that they will understand and encourage certain behavior and, at the same time, tolerate certain behavior. Friend's are not responsible for your actions and are not always going to guide you in the right direction. Get back to me on that when you are in your 20's. I want your respect. I want your trust. But I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to know every single thing you are doing. It would drive me insane. I will later be your friend. I want to eventually be your friend. But we are not at that point in our lives.

·         One day you will experience grief. You do not understand why I cry so much at the loss of my father. The loss of my grandparents. One day I hope you do grieve for me because I certainly do not want to be left grieving for you. That may be selfish of me but a parent's worst nightmare is having to see their child out of this world. From the moment you both came into this world, I was plagued by nightmares of losing you. Every parent has those thoughts. Strike that. Every GOOD parent has those thoughts. The "What If's" drive new parents crazy. I once actually panicked at the thought of a wolf breaking into the house and attacking you. Laugh all you want now but irrational fears are what drives a parent to be protective. My heart breaks when you cry but I never want to have mine broken by losing you. You two mean that much to me. You are my life.

·         Pain is a part of life. There will be times when pain brings you to your knees. When life seems futile and hopeless. Just remember that all things fade with time. The wounds that are raw at the moment will eventually heal and leave a scar. Don't cover the scar. Don't stare at it daily either but make sure you know it is there. It is a reminder that you are alive and will keep fighting back.

These are just a few things that I want you to know. You will make mistakes and that is okay. You will learn. My dad, very often when growing up, would just look at me and shake his head. When I eventually figured it out he would say, "Red, now you are being smart. Use your head." My mom's best advice came to me by watching her and seeing her actions. Her mantra is, "Just get it done." It is simple but extremely powerful and effective.

I love you both and hope one day you will understand what I am trying to say to you. I want you to fulfill your dreams, no matter what they are. There is nothing that you will ever do that makes me not love you. I may get angry at times but I always love and support you. You will stumble. You will fall but hopefully you will have enough of me, your grandparents, your aunts, cousins, and friends, in you that you will stand back up and keep on going.

Love,

Shonté (aka Mom)

Loss of Innocence - Updated

Loss of Innocence

Loss of Innocence

 

Life is funny and I am definitely one who has learned to find the humor whenever possible. Even when things are grim, the circumstances are tragic...I've always been the one to try to use humor to help lighten the situation. I guess it has always been that way. Don't get me wrong. There have been and are times in my life when I can't find the funny side. Times when I have fallen and felt like I could not get back up. But with the help of friends, family and a strong will that was genetically passed down to me (and learned) I rubbed some dirt on it and moved on.

 

One of the things, or should I say many things, is when you stop being a child. The exact moments when parts of your innocence is lost. For some people a jaded place takes root. For some it becomes a black tarnish on their soul, aura, and very being. It becomes a hated spot deep inside because the blinders come off.

The first loss of innocence, for me, when a very, very close friend was diagnosed with Leukemia as a teen. I didn't understand it and I didn't cope with it very well. I never visited him in the hospital because I could not face the fact that someone not much older was sick. He died and I still was in denial. At the funeral I sat at the back row of a very packed church. I got up and left because I STILL was in denial. There was NO way someone close to my age, that I loved as a friend and spent a great deal of time with.

I realized that people close to you die but it truly had not hit home yet. That came with the loss of my Papa. I worked at the hospital in the kitchen as my college job, and my mom was my boss. He had been admitted. We knew it was bad but I didn't realize how bad until my mom pulled me into her office and told me that the doctor had given him 6 months to live and it was a brain tumor.

I walked into the hallway, saw my big, burly, larger than life, Paul Bunyan Papa in a wheelchair. I broke down crying. One more piece of innocence lost. They took him home and that is where he remained. For about a month I avoided going to visit which was a RARE thing for me. This was the home I had spent EVERY summer, all summer and every vacation and every weekend I could. This is where I went between college classes to hang out, have lunch etc. I had even lived there for a time. I couldn't face the fact that a man I loved so very, very much was leaving me. I was angry. I was SCARED. I didn't know how to talk to someone who was going to leave and never return.

Another piece of innocence was lost.

I finally did muster the courage to face myself and my fears and I went to him. I went into the bedroom, sat down, and started crying. I apologized for leaving him. He wasn't as big. He had already given up. I hadn't deep inside. There was that spark of hope that this was a mistake on the doctor's part. He waited for me to stop bawling, pulled me close to his hospital bed and said, "I understand. I love you." He forgave me for something that to this exact day I have never forgiven myself for. I didn't miss another day with him until he died. I wasn't there when he died though. I had driven home hurriedly to shower and change. He passed while I was not there. Courtney called me and said, "Shon...get back here now." I knew what had happened.

 

Another piece was gone but this time much, much bigger because mortality hit at that exact moment.

 

If my mom had just lost her father, and later her mother, then....I was going to lose them some day. I cried even more at the funeral. I mourned my Papa leaving me. No more creek trips. No more tractor rides. No more rice hauling trips in his big red semi. No more me fixing him lunch. No more watching baseball with him. But I suddenly realized one day I would lose my parents.

That was the hardest piece of innocence I have ever lost.

 

My Granny died years later and I mourned that I hadn't spent more time with her but I lived hours away, had two kids, a husband, a household and a full time job.

 

My father passed away 11 months ago today. For some reason I did not have my phone next to my bed that night before. But I woke up around 4:00 am. I had many missed calls and tons of text messages telling me to call home. I knew what had happened. I called and Courtney said, "Come home now. Dad is gone." My response was, "No. No. No. No he is NOT gone." I crashed to my knees and Dave came running out. I screamed and I cried. I was over 2000 miles away and I had NOT been there again.  I had visited in August and we had talked but once again we had not really had "THE" conversation that hangs over anyone's head who has a terminal illness. I avoided it. I teased him and we laughed. We watched TV together. He hugged me so many times and I never wanted to let go. My larger than life dad was going to leave me but wait! I still had that spark of hope.

 

Last year the last of my innocence died. I realized that one day I would lose the woman I love the most in the entire world. The woman who I am more like than anyone else. My sister, Sasha,  inherited Dad's demeanor and ability to dazzle people. I told people at his visitation that I got dad's figure and she got his personality. Courtney is mini-Stan except quieter.

 

But me...I get mom. I understand how she works because I work like her, well except physically because that woman gets stuff done. Oh and she cooks better than anyone I've ever known. I love this woman with my entire heart. There is NOTHING I would not do for her. But eventually I will lose her. Part of me is selfish and wants to go before because then I wouldn't lose that part of my heart and soul.

But then I remember a blog I wrote a few months ago. I pray every single night that I NEVER have to bury one of the girls. I could never survive and would not want to survive if I lost them. So I find myself torn between selfishness and knowing someday my heart will break.

 

My mom will read this and probably tell me she will whip my ass for even thinking that thought.

It is a loss of innocence and a conundrum. You know as you start to grow older that your parents begin to get older as well. No one escapes time. No one. Life moves on.

November 8th will mark two years. I will grieve quietly here 2000+ miles from the rest of my family.

I still hurt. Even after all this time. I still wipe tears away when I think of Dad. And now that Grandma has passed away I feel an even bigger hole. It hurts. It will never STOP hurting. There will always be a wound there. It will scar over a bit and will allow me to function but it will always be there. And sad as that sounds...I'm grateful because that scar means I have loved with all of my heart and soul.

So if you hear me talk about my father...understand if my voice catches and tears come to my eyes. Just nod but don't tell me you understand. Just let me know you are there for me if I need you. Hug me. Pat me on the shoulder.

 

 

"Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over...she became a butterfly."

RE: Phrases I Loathe

RE: Phrases I Loathe

*I wanted to update this list and really give it another go. I'm keeping all of the original rants the same but I wanted to add something.

As I have gotten older I still do not like the below phrases. I don't. But more than that I have come to not have the ability to deal with people who fly off the handle. You don't have to scream profanities. You don't have to try and use up every $5.00 word you grab from the dictionary. You can simply walk away. It's okay to do that. Not every phrase or derogatory thing thrown your way has to be addressed. Their anger/stupidity/anything is on THEM. How you respond makes it about you. So when someone makes you mad...laugh. That is the best response and it doesn't bring you down.

It is my day off and as usual I found myself up at the butt crack of dawn. It really sucks having insomnia. I'm pretty sure every evil thing that goes wrong in my life can be attributed to lack of sleep. Hair problems? Lack of sleep. Sex problems? Lack of sleep. ADHD? Lack of sleep. I get the whole aging thing but it doesn't mean I have to fucking like it. Suck it old age!!

For several weeks now I've been pondering phrases that make me see red. A couple have actually been directed to sweet, lil ol' moi. Imagine that indignity! Fuck a duck. I mean come on...bitches gotta hate but they don't have to be juvenile about it. So here are the phrases I hate the most and my response to them.

1. Who the fuck do you think you are? (This tops the list)

Well...I think I'm Shonte' and I'm pretty sure that I'm a Goddess in my world so that would essentially make me the ruler of everything. No, I did not wake up this morning and forget who I am.

Why do people say this? What point is there in asking this rhetorical question? Obviously it is a slight meant to infer that you do not have power over the speaker. I get that. But since I'm a Goddess I don't give a fuck.

2. Eat a Dick. (Usually followed by Cunt, Bitch or Whore)

This statement is usually thrown out by a very insecure crack whore. Okay I don't know if the person is a crack whore but I love saying that phrase. "Crack whore" or "Meth whore" are personal favorites because it conjures to mind a pock marked hooker that hasn't showered in weeks and is the town bike. But I digress.  Guys don't say this because it is one of their greatest fears. No guy likes some chick chomping down on his man bits and giggle berries. Only women toss this one out and there is only one response: Roll your eyes and say "Really? Really?"

3. Get over yourself.

Why should I get over myself? I like myself finally and have accepted that there may be one or two people on this entire Earth that do not feel the same way. Once again I understand the connotation to this remark. The speaker wants to demean the other and make them feel insignificant. Not gonna fucking work bitches because I need to direct you to #1 where I explain that I'm a Goddess. I can "get over" situations. I can "get over" life...but I'm not going to get over myself.

4. You can't tell me what to do.

Yes. I. Can. In fact if I just told you something...I did in fact tell you what to do. You, however, have this wonderful thing called free will in which you can decide whether or not to act. My response when someone tells me to go do something is a simple "yes" or "no." Nothing pisses off people more than one word responses. I love them when they aren't directed at me.

5. I feel sorry for... (your kids, your husband, your family, your friends, your dog..etc.) for being with you.

This is the only statement where I can almost become physically violent. I KNOW I should never use physical violence but this one will almost cause me to Hiroshima on someone. It is the unforgivable phrase to utter to me because I NEVER forget it. This isn't actually about feeling sorry for someone. It is trying to feel superior to them. I had a crack whore say this about my daughters simply because I told her to stop contacting me and my husband. She called me deranged for stating that a police officer showed up at my house looking for her. Uh..hello? A cop did show up.

This statement is the worst thing anyone can say to another because it is vile. You are dragging others into a verbal sparring match and it is always said by someone that has ZERO clue about your life.

Expressing sympathy, empathy and regret towards someone is fine. Feeling sorry for someone because of a situation is fine. But making this statement with the intent to make you feel like you are less than what you are or somehow you affect others badly...just wrong.

The bad thing is I've been guilty of these statements. I used to swear never to drop the "C" word at someone and I've used it a few times. I was mad. Do I regret it? Nope not one bit. The bitch deserved it and that is exactly what she was acting like. I've delivered it to a few guys as well.

We all get mad at people and sometimes it breaks down into a verbal, or written, argument. It's life. It happens to the best of us. And these are just the phrases that tweak my buttons and make me roll my eyes and say, "Really? Really? You can't do any better than this?"

Happy Mother's Day! Mom I love you and thank you for never giving me to the gypsies!

Happy Mother's Day

 

It is once again that day of the year when we honor all those precious ladies in our lives whether they are with us now or they have proceeded us into the afterlife. It is a long running joke that Mom's work 364 days a year and have one off but even then they still work. Being a mom is a tough job and let me tell ya…no one told me how tough it would be. So let us take a stroll down memory lane and then praise the women who have nurtured us in our lives.

My earliest memories of my Mom come from her holding me, making no bake oatmeal cookies and her laugh. She has this amazing laugh that just seeps into your soul. You can instantly tell if she's giving someone the polite "I really don't like you or what you just said" laugh and the one that is all wrapped up in mothery goodness.

My mom is pretty damn amazing. She can run circles around me, out cook me even on my best day and has so much talent. She has given me a wealth of advice over the years. She was my mother first and foremost and now she has become a mother and a friend. I can tell her anything and know that she will tell me if it is a crap idea or it is one worth pursuing. She has been the referee between my siblings and myself for 36 years.

My mother has also been a bane in my own attempts at child rearing. She embraced being a Gammy very easily because she knew her time had finally come. She would be getting the ultimate paybacks. She became the greatest thing since toast when it came to her grandchildren. Don't like dinner? Well she would fix them something they wanted. (Note: Sasha, Courtney and myself were always told to either eat it or go hungry. I tell the girls that now.)

Chocolate for breakfast? Sure. Oh you want to eat a bunch of sugar, take no nap and then go home to your moms? Absolutely!

A year or two ago, when dealing with my own teens, I called her and Dad to apologize to them. My words exactly? "You were right. I was wrong." I didn't have to say much more. They knew.

When I became a Mom I thought I would do everything the right way. I read books. I talked to friends. I thought I had it in the bag. Kennedy came along and I pushed her to do everything bigger, better and faster. She was walking by 5 months and bottle and potty trained by 1. She was very cognizant and had an incredible vocabulary by 2. She was also spoiled rotten.

Maesin came along roughly 1 year and 3 weeks from Kennedy's birth. (No it was not on purpose.) That time around? Uh yeah. We are lucky Maesin is walking and talking today. I was so laid back with her. I didn't rush anything and probably, truth be told, didn't even make a conscious effort. Kennedy was Type A personality from the moment she caterwauled into my life. Maesin was the laid back siesta.

Now kids are tricky creatures. As a Mom I get to see all of my best traits in the girls. As a Mom I get to see all of the worst traits. My abilities are theirs and my liabilities are with them as well. I am afraid one is too demanding of herself, as well as so very brash, and I fear that the other will never take a stance in the world, that she is too laid back. They are two polar opposites and I see parts of myself in each one.

When you have children you get a wealth of advice from people, friends, strangers and books. You crank up the worry meter to a 10 and become convinced that this world is going to harm your children. You sanitize everything. Then they come and you want to kick some people's asses. They warned you about the terrible 2's but they didn't say squat about how little kids will play with poop. They didn't warn you that you will change shirts often because your precious will upchuck on you.

They also didn't tell you that your heart become so incredibly fragile. If they are sick you stay up all night. Heaven forbid they have to stay in a hospital because you will cry each night as you sleep on the little bench in the room, praying that they get better soon. You sit back silently as they grow and have to learn to defend themselves from others. You would give every last breath to protect them.

Mom's are the most incredible creatures on the planet. Just when you are going along in life and think your heart cannot become any bigger…it does. And I want to point out that having children is not necessarily a prerequisite to being a Mom. You do not have to be related to someone by blood to have an incredible influence over them. You may simply be a friend of someone who has a child. The only requirement is love.

Here is to you! Mom's of the world take a collective sigh, take a long soak in the tub and remember that no one gets out of this alive. Your kids won't be the death of you (hopefully) and you will earn each and every wrinkle that comes with the territory. Your favorite outfit can be replaced when destroyed by the kids and you may even have a clean house now and again.

Mom I love you to the moon and back and I'm very glad you survived my teenage years. Once again let me just say that, "You were right and I was wrong. About pretty much everything. Oh and thank you for not giving us to the gypsies."

Holy Green Guacamole and Just a life Update

So my kats and kittens it has been a busy time this year and it is hard to believe it is already May. HOLY GREEN GUACAMOLE! Time is just slipping past me at juggernaut speed. So let me just briefly break it down for you on what's been going on and a few things I have learned.

 

I started exercising. At first it was just slow walks around the neighborhood as I tried to get my muscles to work properly. Now bear in mind that in January I had to use a walker for a while because my right leg became completely paralyzed for a few days. After that I found there were many spots on my body that no longer had a good nerve connection. Either the muscle was seized up or the muscles were unresponsive and/or painful. I still have this in spots. I have a huge numb/painful to touch area on my right thigh, my upper back/lower neck, and unfortunately a numb butt. I have no idea why because I'm taking a huge break from any doctor's period.

Ya…I know. Not exactly the smartest thing I've done but I got so tired of the medications, the visits and all the crap that I just stopped everything in January. A strange thing happened. My body detoxed. I began to feel better even with these painful areas. I no longer was bound by the stupor and fog of medications. It felt pretty damn good and I'm not going to lie…it still feels pretty awesome. I still have to take sleep and anxiety medications (oh and my HRT patch) but for the first time in a long, long, looooong time I don't have constant anxiety attacks. Depression? Yeah I still have that and will have that my entire life. It's just something I deal with and now I'm undertaking a very large endeavor in helping promote Depression Awareness. It takes too many lives not to stand up to it. If we can boycott products, people and businesses then we can take the time to help others. Did you know that every 30 seconds someone, somewhere takes his/her own life? What if you could change that? It's pretty easy and it starts with just asking, "Hey…how are you doing?" And don't accept the typical response of "Oh I'm okay" or "I'm good and you?" It's a secret language that most people affected by Depressions speak. It comes from not wanting to be a burden to someone else. Get them talking and you'll help yourself as well.

On to the next topic. Bought a Nutribullet and I can't say enough good things about it. It beats a juicer. It beats a Ninja. It just rocks. I will concede that it is pricy but instead of just squeezing the juice out (which only gives you a fraction of the health impact) you get the pulp and all. I will tell you that if you aren't careful you could wind up with a thick, swampy mess that is hard to get down. I forced it down myself for about a week and then decided I really needed to change up my recipe!

So what are the benefits of having a shake or even juicing? It's pretty powerful. You get the full effect of a boatload of vitamins and nutrients. It can help detox your body. It can clear up your skin. It can give you energy. It can also help you sleep. It's all in the ingredients.

So my typical go to shake is this: 2/3 greens (I prefer swiss chard or kale), fiber (such as flax seed) blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, bananas or even apples (Pick which one you want because it adds in natural sweetness. ***NOTE: If you live in an area where fresh veggies and fruit are scarce…you can use frozen. Just look for ones that have no added ingredients. You can use frozen spinach and drain it…same with fruit. Or I guess don't unthaw all the way and you have a yummy cold smoothie. So far I have: greens, fruit, fiber and now for the liquid. Pick what you want. I personally go for almond milk. Love the stuff. I have a friend that uses tea. I've tried coconut water. Then: blend or juice. Voila! An awesome substitute for a meal.

I have now replaced one meal a day. I gotta admit that I am not a breakfast person. So I typically use the shake for lunch then have a reasonable meal for dinner. If I have a non-shake lunch then I have a shake dinner.

So what is the end result of all these months:

I can now do a 16 minute mile (Hey…that's pretty damn good for a person who still has to put a hand to a rail at times and the fact that I just suck at running.)

I regularly exercise daily. I use the treadmill and the elliptical. If the weather is nice then we play disc golf and just get out and stay busy.

I've learned not to think the treadmill is the same as just walking while listening to Pharrel's "Happy" It was not a good lesson because you can't NOT listen to the song and NOT dance around.

I've lost a whopping 60 pounds. I notice it in some clothes but I still have an apple shape so my next step is going for tone and inches. I'm still figuring that one out but…eh…I'll get it down. I also have a love/hate with my scale. It never fails that on the days I feel best, have worked out well etc…it shows a pound or three weight gain. I hate that rascally thing! But as long as it keeps steadily decreasing (sometimes very slowly) then I won't toss it out.

Last but not least…Katie's story is now sitting at almost 40,000 words. Synergy (formerly titled Pandora's Light is at an agent who is seriously reviewing it, which makes me happy and yet very apprehensive. Rejection letter suck but eh.)

So, yeah, I'm doing good but more importantly…how are you doing?

Tao of Té The Necessity of Death and the Pain it Leaves Behind

Tao of Té The Necessity of Death and the Pain it Leaves Behind

 

For a few weeks my friend has been struggling with the knowledge that his father is quickly passing the veil. As the days and hours become closer he grows frustrated that he will not be there physically to comfort his father and the rest of his family. He is a great man who always helps others and it pains me greatly that there is nothing I can do for him besides tell him "I'm sorry. It sucks" and talk to him as much as possible."

Death is the ultimate common denominator in humanity. No matter how rich or poor, when death comes a' knockin' you don't get a choice on opening the door. But the thing about death and losing people you love is that it never gets easier. And as crazy and mean as it sounds…that is a GOOD thing. I never want death to get easier because I want to love that person completely. I don't wish death on anything but it comes, sometimes far too quickly to those that hold our hearts.

So everyone we know will eventually die and we will pass the veil as well. It is a necessity as we give way to someone else's life. It truly is a cycle of life. Currently I've been looking at that circle and how people deal with it. I often have found myself angry and pissed off at people going through things simply because I didn't agree with how they were doing it or expressing themselves regarding the problem. Then I realized that it was not their problem…it was me. I was the one allowing myself to judge their situation because it wasn't different than mine. Only I should be minding my own business and just being there if needed.

Now…a few weeks ago when my friend told me his father was dying, I was pissed that he wasn't camping out at his dad's house and being there. I couldn't believe it. But I was so in the wrong.  I was projecting my own guilt and it was not fair to him or anyone else. I don't know his pain anymore than he knew mind. How he is handling his father's illness is his own. It was guilt that ate at mine. It was the guilt I've assigned myself since my father grew ill and then passed away. There is so much guilt today about not returning to Arkansas more to stay next to his side. Guilt over not talking to him as much as I could. And guilt that I didn't think it was real.

I'm lucky. I have had some great friends that helped me through it all. It doesn't assuage the guilt, only time will do that or it may always a constant companion. But they helped lift the burden in some way. I hope that I can do that with my friend because he deserves having someone to hold out there hand and pulling him up to his feet. He deserves an open eye, ear and arms to hold him when he feels like he is breaking. I wish I could be there, physically, for him. There isn't a lot I can say to him but I can simply be there for him. I'd take his pain away but it is that pain that tells him how much he loves his father. It is the pain that will change his life forever. I can't take it, won't take it but I'll do my best to shoulder as much of it as he lets me. I hope he knows how much he is loved and how many hands and shoulders he has to help him through this.

Namasté

Portlandians and the True Understanding of What it is like here

Portlandians

 

I came to a not so unexpected realization yesterday while driving. I totally get Portlandians (I don't know for sure if that is what people from the Portland metro call themselves but I'm using it.) I get the incessant glorification of the sun after the long, rainy, cold winter. Last year was my first  full year after living in Bend.

Now Bend, Oregon is an experience unto itself. We moved there after a steaming hot summer in Little Rock. We left humidity and heat from hell and found ourselves in the high desert. I was disappointed rolling into Bend. The scenery from Idaho to Bend is desert. I didn't like it and I hadn't visited Bend prior to moving. Dave had and I trusted him. I did have the backup of every movie shot in the Northwest. It is green, huge ferns, towering trees and the unfiltered light that makes producers and directors clamor for filmmaking in the Northwest.

Uh yeah. That really isn't how 90% of Oregon looks like. Most of it is high desert. Dry landscapes, real tumbleweeds and a deficient  quota of rain, Bend especially. Bend receives most of its precipitation in the winter through snow. The entire time I lived there I may have seen 1 storm and only about 5 times a shower. I did, however, experience a type of snow I had never seen before. The days in the summer were glorious at 5,000 feet and the nights were chilly. But I hated not having the rain. I love rain. I love gray days.

So it became a blessing when we moved from Bend to West Linn. Now let me preface something before going on. I had come to Portland several times during the Spring and Summer prior to moving. I loved it. Glorious sunshine, temperate weather and so much green, berries and flowers! Uh yeah. We moved in late August and I was treated to my first taste of the Portland drizzle. Dave had warned me but I didn't believe him because it had never rained on any visit to Portland or the coast!

The Portland drizzle is only slightly less famous than Seattle's never ending drizzle. Portland has a rainy season and believe it or not, it is technically a temperate rainforest. The forest is breathtaking here. The coast is magnificent and on a clear day I get to see the completely snow covered slopes of Mt. Hood. (I was surrounded by magnificent mountains in Bend as well. Bend actually takes top prize for majestic mountains. It was the first time I saw snow in July and August.)

The first year in Portland I cherished the rain. As I mentioned before I love rainy days. I'm just that weird. I have a friend that is the same way. The winter was mild. I did experience frost so thick a person from the South would consider it snow. It rained until April or so and then it cleared up. It didn't rain much the entire summer and in fact we did have a heat wave that lasted two weeks and I had to buy a personal air conditioner. It is pretty unheard of here but two story houses suck when it comes to a single ac/heating unit.

So when fall rolled around last year I was ready for rain. I was ready for the cold weather. But then I got to experience Fall again. It was glorious. A riot of colors. My Japanese red maple stood out amongst the gold's and browns. Winter made her way in and we actually had snow. The rains continued and for the first time in my life I began to crave the sun. We had a mild winter, truth be told and it wasn't until the last two months or so that we had substantial rain.

But I get Portlandians now. My daughter summed it up the other day. She said she took a picture of the sun setting because she was afraid she wouldn't see it again. A sunny day here brings out every one. You see runners, walkers, dogs being led, windows open and people just getting out any way possible. You see people turning their face into the crystal clear sunshine and smiling. You take out a lawn chair and sit down basking in the rays. When the sun sets you mourn a little bit because you don't know if it is going to be gray and rainy the next two weeks.

I get it. I've become a Portlandian. I still love my Portland Drizzle but I cherish the sunny days. They immediately fill me with this all encompassing joy. I feel the magic that is in the air and I begin seeing the flowers blooming in all their glory. I drive past miles of blackberry bushes growing everywhere and I know that in a few months I will be hitting farmers markets, picking berries and soaking up the sun. I'll still love the rainy days but I totally appreciate the sunny ones.

I'm lucky. I live in a place where we have the most glorious seasons imaginable. Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter all offer something unique but more than that I finally get to experience them. In Arkansas you pretty much go from Winter straight into Summer ( and it is usually so hot and muggy that you can't do anything without panting and dripping sweat).

I think often of moving back because Arkansas will always be home to me. I miss my family and friends terribly but it wouldn't be the same as it was before. I've been gone too long. And then the sun pops out and I realize that I was born to live on/near the coast. I may not get to swim without turning blue. I may have to deal with daily drizzle but it makes me appreciate the sun ever so much.

To those looking to move because they feel hot, cold, stifled or just want to embrace a new adventure I say this: MOVE. Never be held down to one place if you don't want to be there. I offer up Portland as your next adventure. As for me…I may wind up on the other coast just to say I've been there. Who knows?

Namasté