The Devil You Face...Every Single Day

This is not a happy go-lucky blog. It isn't one gushing about how great the summer has been and how I'm feeling so good with myself. This is a blog about how things started to go downhill really hard and the time that has passed since I broke a promise to myself.

It started back in 1976. I'm not kidding. All this really started back on the day of my birth. Well technically that is not true. It happened at my conception in 1975. I am the combination of two incredible sets of DNA provided, of course, by my mother and my father. It was a wonderful creation because I came out of it!

During my development, physically, there was also development about certain genetic traits that were not understood back then. Many people then, and some still now, believed that depression and mental illness (I hate that term. Mental illness. Is the mind really sick?) isn't genetically passed down but science, physical and psychological, have proven this to not be true. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder etc are all things that can be passed down from one generation to the next and so on. Are you going to be bipolar because your mother/father/relative suffers from this illness? You may have the genetic code for this but you deal with it in a different manner so it does not impact you in the same way that it may impact others. This could be that you are surrounded by positive reinforcement that keeps those shadows at bay whereas another person is affected negatively and can't develop those reinforcements or they simply can't hold it off for long.

Your mind is a phenomenal machine. It never stops working and in my case, it kept the depression and anxiety constantly circulating. The mind tells you enough times that you aren't good enough, you will never accomplish anything or simply holds emotions away from you and eventually your own mind will break you.  Think of it in terms of your body being an airplane with the mind as the pilot. Oops someone in first class fell down and spilled some wine, the pilot says "fuck it all" and decides to crash the plane. Nothing else is wrong but the pilot feels that it has had enough and can't go on. Not realizing that the wine can be cleaned up. That there is nothing wrong with the plane and that the journey can continue but the pilot doesn't see it that it can go on. All the pilot can think about is that spilled wine and how everything is crashing around it. 

The truth is that with depression comes a lot of spills and the brain makes those spills often a lot worse than they are. For those that do not suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar or any number of psychological issues, this is a foreign concept. They may be appalled that anyone can think death is the answer. Logically on a good day I agree. I know the damage it does because I have seen it in my own family. I know the fallout. You may recognize and KNOW that on one day but on another day your mind hides that from you. It makes excuses and the lies it tells itself to keep fueling that illness.

So back to that broken promise. In 2015 I was going through a really rough cycle and reached rock bottom. I decided that when all things were right and my tasks done, then I could finally say good-bye. I gave myself one year and promised myself that in July of 2016 I would commit suicide. Why 2016? It would happen after my youngest daughter graduated from High School. I thought she would be in a place where she could understand it and would not be affected. Same for my oldest daughter. They would no longer need me.

My depression lasted a really long time before cycling out. And it really never truly "cycled out." I began to just live day by day. But I never stopped thinking about the coming date. 

During this time I also found out I had IIH. IIH is Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension. Another name for it is Pseudo Tumor Cerebri. And it acts just like the name. Your brain thinks it has a tumor pressing into it. What actually happens is that your body produces too much cerebral spinal fluid and it can not drain it off. It builds in your skull and compresses it. To say it hurts is horribly understatement. I was going through weeks and weeks of level 9 migraines. I could barely hear at times for the tinnitus. My vision was if you were trying to peer through a black screen door. Nothing was clear.

Work was horrendous as well. I left my company and went to a job I thought I was going to excel within but that good old friend depression, combined with massive pain, sabotaged me. It is a common theme with me and I hate it. I self-sabotage and really fuck things up. Looking back at my life I can see where I did that a LOT. But I broke that promise.

The new job happened around the time of my promise. That date I had scheduled the year prior. I was still lonely. I still missed my friends and family but I had a new focus. I kept pushing the promise date out further and further. Then the self sabotage hit. I failed at my job. Leaving there was rough. I was suddenly facing the holidays and the pain, depression and feeling like a failure kicked my depression and anxiety up to level 10's. That meant having to find new dosages of medicines. I still kept pushing that date out though. I wasn't going to end it at during that time of year but the fall from October to December is ALWAYS a low time for me. It's been that way for about 27 years. It started at 15 or so and then my dad died. My grandmother died and that year my aunt died. All close together.

I could have used my downtime to write and work on my 2nd book, or edit the first one but I couldn't focus enough to do that. Instead I started drawing. I'd draw flowers. Making a garden of blooms in a time of decay. They may have been paper but they made me happy. Sharing them with others made me happier. 

Fast forward to today. I've sabotaged myself a few more times and I currently feel overwhelmed but I'm not pushing my promise out day by day any longer. For now that date will remain a broken promise and I'll move on with my life. I'll use personal development tools to keep me on point. I am not delusional though. I know the depression (regardless of the tons of medicines I take) will still be with me but as long as I acknowledge it, rather than try to hide it, it can't take me. 

That pilot isn't going to crash me today or tomorrow. The pilot doesn't have a landing date yet and the engines are still good to go. There is some gas in the tank and I know that spilled wine doesn't mean you have to toss out the whole plane. Will I ever get past the suicide line into all is peachy and dandy? Yeah some days will be good. Some will be bad. 

I will keep fighting that fight. That is how people cope with depression. They find things that make them want to fight. And I want any of you to know that I get it. I'm here for you at any time on any day. I will help you fight it. It may be a long conversation due to distance but I'm still here. I know that for me, I have to start finding activities that take me out of my isolation. Whenever I keep isolating myself is when the depression kicks in the hardest.

Deciding to write this down wasn't easy. I don't know how it will go over but I do want my family and friends to know that I'm not hiding these things. I refuse to let it silently crash my plane and it also lets them know that having depression, especially in my family, is always watching. We band together, be vigilant and know that we have each other no matter what. 

Letter to My Daughters: The Next Phase

Dear daughters,

Once, long ago, I wrote a letter to you explaining why I was not your friend. Today I write you as a Mother and a friend. You've both come so far and have accomplished so many things but those are just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. Soon you will go onto the next phase of your life. I'll always be in your life, hopefully, but a lot of what comes next will fall squarely onto your shoulders.

I'll never stop giving you advice, and you'll take some hopefully and leave some, and I'll never stop loving you. Even when you make it difficult, there is nothing you can ever do that would stop that love and the need to protect you. But now is the time for that protection to step back and let you live your lives.

You are going to fall.

Life is going to throw a LOT at you and sometimes it is all at once. Life trips us up. We are power walking down the sidewalk of life and we hit a bump. We stumble a little bit but keep on going. But there are going to be times when you hit a hole and you fall down. You are going to fall and at times it is going to feel as if the world is out to get you, or that you'll never move past it. You will. It isn't about how many times we fall, instead it is how many times you stand back up. You may have to stagger to your knees at first but you will stand. And it is how you stand that will make all of the difference. Always stand with purpose and integrity. Those are the two things that come free in life. Use them often. And when you fall and need a helping hand...I'll be there. I may be screaming from the sidelines but I'll be there.

You are going to Love, Lose, Cry and Hate

Love is a very strange thing and it can make fools of us all. Don't pattern your love life after mine. I wasn't smart or independent as much as I should've and that's okay. I'm still a work in progress. The same thing should apply to you at every stage of your life. Love with all your heart but know that love can make it fragile. It can crack. It can shatter but it can always be put back together. Your heart is much like a sword. It has to be tempered. It will have to be made stronger and you can do it.

You are going to lose people in your life and no matter who it is, it is going to hurt. Losing people to death is one of the hardest things to cope with in your life. You're heart doesn't heal from it completely. You bear that scar for the rest of your life and while the scar sometimes stops throbbing, it is always there for YOU to see.

You are going to lose friends and significant others. They are going to come into your life and then leave. It may be a relationship or a friendship. There is a reason for everyone you let into your life and never be afraid of letting others in because your heart will always grow large enough to love them all. But be careful. There are always going to be users in the world that are not happy unless you are unhappy. Don't let them steal your sunshine or your thunder. It is okay to hold friend's accountable. At the same time you need to be a good friend. Being a good friend is hard sometimes because you may have to say or do something that is unpopular but that's okay. Staying true is what guides you and is what a healthy friendship/relationship is all about.

When your relationships end, and there are going to be some, you may experience anger. You may have been done so very wrong. Your heart is going to hurt. Your brain is going to have you confused and your emotions are going to veer into the hatred zone. When you find yourself being pulled down with hatred, I want you to stop. You don't have to hate anyone. If that person ended your relationship through whatever deeds or words, that is on them. NOT YOU. You can only control your own actions. Hate is a wasteful emotion and it makes us unbalanced. Let the anger and hate go.

And we come to the advice portion of this letter. I'm your mom and I'm now beginning the process of being your friend. And I'll never stop. I also won't lie to you to spare you being upset with me when I want to tell you something honestly. Please know that I come from a good place and may have experience in that area that you have not gained. There are also going to be many times when you do not want my advice, my advice isn't needed and times when I don't understand the situation and the advice isn't helpful.

I'll always be your ear though. I'll be here to listen as you work out problems on your own. I'll be with you in spirit no matter where you go in life and will always try to be there physically when you need me most. When you go on to creating your own family, I will still always be your Mother and will always want a part of your life.

You each have so much ahead of you and will be going places, doing things and learning things that I have not. With you lies the very best of me and sometimes the worst. How you live your life is going to be up to you. Lead the way for others and always be a light that shines through the darkest times.

Love,

Your Mother.

Farewell to 2016!

What a year! What a freaking year! 2016 will go down as one of the most memorable years for many people, myself included.

Surprisingly the one event I thought would wreck me was turning 40, and it passed okay. Up to the day I was pretty bummed out but once it was here, and I quietly accepted it, it wasn't so bad. In fact I'm happy with 40. I will admit that it still hits me that I'm this old but I realized that I'm so much better now than 39. Each year I think I get better. I feel more seasoned and I unlock more secrets to life that keep me sane.

I'm also at peace with myself. I took a look back over the years, and while there are lots of regrets, I've accepted that it is time to move forward and learn from those mistakes. They still pop up in my mind but I'm okay with them. I can't change them but I can let them rest.

This year has been in turmoil and I've never seen a country so divided. Yes, there are more episodes in history that are far, far greater but this is the first time in my life. I witnessed many historical events from the safety of my couch. I am witnessing a country so divided that we can not even have calm, rational debates. I am witnessing more acts of violence, racism, sexism and division and I don't know how they started or how to overcome them. I am seeing a lot of ugliness over an important election and feel so polarized that it is hard to see things from a different perspective.

What I am frightened most over is a loss of respect. People being hateful and attacking others simply based on political party affiliations. Most elections in the past, at least for me, was a vigorous debate and then acceptance with whomever lost and the knowledge that the couldn't fuck it up too badly. That changed this year when I realized a candidate embraced almost every single trait and running platform that I could not even be reasonable in my dislike over. A man so stupid that he has already broken most of his promises to his own followers and is choosing his advisers that are unfit for the job...may be unfit for any job on the planet that involves the livelihood of anyone.

This was not a good health year. In January I was diagnosed with IIH (Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension), or also known as Pseudotumor Cerebri. I thought it was typical migraine and vision disturbances. In fact the only way I learned this was through a routine eye examination late December 2015. They thought they saw a mass on my optic nerve. I found out that I had lost a portion of my vision. It was scary and since then I have battled numerous neurologists and optic nerve specialists. It wore me down and I wanted to give up at times. Now I have a new neurologist and neurosurgeon who believe in treatment. Next Wednesday, December 28th I'll have surgery. The neurosurgeon will be putting in a shunt through my skull into my brain, threading it down through to my ear where a device to monitor pressure will be installed (makes it sound like a car stereo ha!) and then tunneling down into my abdominal cavity. I realized yesterday that I didn't ask what the aftereffects will be and how my recovery time will be affected. Guess I need to do that.

In January (the 10th) I'll be under the knife once again but on the opposite end. :) It's a much needed surgery and one that can happen. So far it is slated to be a simple surgery but it might wind up being a little more in-depth.

I reached out to old friends because I was worried about them. Will we continue talking and maybe eventually become comfortable with each other and build a new friendship...I don't know. But I had to reach out. There was something missing in my life and I had to try. Will it happen? I don't know. Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it take time? Absolutely. And if it is not able to happen then there will not be any hard feelings. I love this person enough to respect her decision but also know that we are two individuals that have a stubborn streak a mile long and I know, for myself at least, that I'm a baby out with the bathtub kind of person. But I miss this person and I miss her insights and her support. I miss being a part of something dynamic but also know that venturing forward, if it happens, will be something entirely different. To quote a song: Que Sera Sera

I reached out to another friend and started talking with her again. I had stopped talking with her after a big bruhaha involving parents. And I missed her crazy ass. She is definitely interesting and I wanted to be a part of that craziness again. She is another past friend that pushed me to finishing things and supported me.

What a year! It's been a tough one but I've never wanted to see a year in the rear view mirror quite as badly as this one. Let's hope that 2017 is far better!

Oh...and my mom remarried. Weird being 40 and gaining a step-father. I see how kids have it when there is a new love involving a parent.

So let's toast and ring in the next 365 days. Hopefully it cannot be worse!

Later Kats and Kittens

This Little Thing Called Life

It has been a while my Kats and Kittens. I've been working on my other blog Every Day Beauty - Be the Beauty in the Mirror. If you haven't seen it, check it out.

This is the type of article that is not for that one though.

A year or so ago I reached out to a former friend to find resolution to ending our friendship abruptly. I had walked away almost 6 months or so ago prior, putting myself first. Then after a lot of  internal strife, I reached out to explain why and to let myself get closure.

The conversation was civil, I had no intention of delving back in, and we parted ways. It was cathartic.

When it comes to ending things, I tend to ghost. I check out before thoughtfully reaching out and reviewing my choice logically and without emotion factoring in and let me tell you, that is the hardest thing anyone can do. We, as a species, rely on emotion to color a situation. Some use it wisely and some not so wisely.

The ending of that friendship was devastating to me in ways I did not see at the time but have come home since. I can't count the number of times I have had something arise and my first instinct was to talk to her. But I knew that would never happen. It still surprised in each time it did.

I sometimes wonder how she is and I realize where we both took wrong turns. I think about our plans to retire on the beach together with all of our pets. When I see anything Steel Magnolia, I'm reminded that I had always planned on being Weezer.

This sounds incredibly maudlin, doesn't it? It shouldn't be because this is fond remembrance. We had many, many talks that lasted hours. We were always just a text away. And then distance, ego and sheer hardheadedness popped up.

So why, now, am I posting this?

To tell you how a decision that seemed so "right" at that time is not always the "right" thing to do. Sometimes emotion needs to be addressed and compromises given. That comes from the Leadership course I have been taking through University of Michigan. It has opened up my eyes to many things a leader should do.

A leader has to be impartial but also vested. A leader needs to know her reservation price and the BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) and what should be revealed and what should not. You have to know how to bring people together to achieve greatness both within the group and within yourself.

Just plug in friendship to all of the "leader" pronouns.

In the end, and what I hope you take from this is that nothing is as it seems. You have to be patient, logical but also allow yourself room for negotiation. Life is all about negotiation. A year ago I knew that I could never resume, and renew, that friendship. Today I know that while it couldn't be renewed, it could be started over. There doesn't always need to be an ending. Maybe it was a pause. Maybe the  issue was stuck and it needed to be turned off and then back on. I don't know. All I do know is that there will always be times I want to tell her something and then pause and frown and then go on.

We would have had an anniversary this year. 12 years of almost daily communication. Happy Cingular Day to you Kat, and I'm always just a phone, text or email away.

This is 40?

This is 40?

Technically I have 1 day to go but who’s counting right? Heaven knows I’m not. It’s not like it isn’t like it is 17 hours and 54 minutes. 40 is just a number. It’s just a number.

Why do people say that? 18 was just a number but we celebrate it. It is the entrance into adulthood. You get to vote. You become responsible for your own actions legally. 21 is just a number but it’s the number on your license that allows you into bars and allows you to purchase those taste libations that make the end of the day so much sweeter.

When you look down at the scale and see your weight, those are just numbers, right? Yet society places a huge (ignore the pun) emphasis on that number. In fact your worth as a person can blindly be judged by that number.

How many sexual partners you’ve acquired over the years is just a number. The number of marriages/divorces and relationships are all just numbers. The numbers of offspring are all just numbers but society keeps track. And all of them are held accountable and we are measured against them. Yet when a woman bemoans turning 40, everyone says, “It’s just a number.”

I had to handwrite this blog out first yesterday because I have to limit the time I stare at a computer screen. My eyesight sucks and it hurts. IIH is definitely taking a toll on my body. It’s rare and as such you have to be your own advocate and educate doctors who may not know about the disorder. I absolutely hate that it has slowed me down. It’s a pain in the ass. Not literally, because the pain is behind the eyes and in my head. Ha! I kill me.

Life throws a lot of curve ball and at times it seems as if I’ve left my bat in the dugout. I get tagged over and over. I’m not going to lie. In recent months I’ve gotten low. Really low. Probably lower than I have ever been and that old familiar demon has reared its ugly head and drags me under. Each day it is a struggle to break the surface and paste on a smile. I find myself cocooned in solitude and I have no one but that insidious being. The people I want and need the most are thousands of miles away and I reach for the phone but stop because I feel like a burden.

That’s how depression drowns people. The anxiety side makes you fearful of reaching out. You worry about EVERYTHING. No matter how inconsequential it might seem to someone else, anxiety blows it up. The absolute worst thing to say someone with anxiety would be, “Calm down, it is no big deal.” It is always a big deal. Every hushed conversation is about us and it is always negative. Every shut door is about us and it is about how bad we are at something.

But c’est la vie. That is life. Que sera sera.  At the end of the day we all have our own demons. We are all fighting our own battles. All we have is our wits and each other to cling to and support.

So as that clock ticks closer to 40 I’ll have moments of despair where I evaluate my position on the field of life. I’ll take stock of everything I’ve been through and where the next 50 years will take me and at the end of the day I can say this with all certainty. I love myself much more now than I did at 18, 21 or even 30.

I like who I am. I have a lot of scars, inside and outside, that tell stories of what I have been through. All the lessons I’ve learned over 40 years reside within me and some have actually stuck and I have remembered them so as to not repeat them. I’m kind. I’m funny. I’m very empathetic. I’m smart and witty. I’m beautiful inside and out.

Yeah that number on the scale needs to creep downward alongside with the number on the tape measure around my waist but it, like my mind, is always a work in progress.

The number of friends in my life may be less this year but the ones in it are the ones that I know are meant to be. They are the ones that have been there through thick and thin and are worth their weight in gold. So welcome 40. Let’s see what adventures await us!

Love, Life and Losing a pet: Professor Chaos

UPDATE 10/1/2015


Last night we had to make the very hard decision to let Chaos go peacefully. I came home from work and it was very obvious that the disease had progressed extremely rapidly. The neurological signs were present. She wasn't in pain but she was not herself. Making that decision wasn't for us...it was for her. We were with her until the end. I will always love her.


Last night I had a dream that brought incredible comfort to me. I was there in the vet's office crying over her. She was ragged and thin. My dad appeared above me. He was the fat, happy Stan the Man dressed in his overalls with a red t-shirt. He had a toothpick in his mouth. He said, "Red...you know I don't usually do cats. But I'll take good care of her for ya."
He reached down and picked her up. As he did, she changed from the sickly kitty into the ferocious, bitchy Chaos who ruled our lives.
Then they were walking down the gravel road off at the house back home. Leroy and Jack were on his left jumping and prancing to his left and she was on his right just prancing. She looked back with that saucy grin. Her coat was thick and full. She was all filled out. Dad did the Stan wave and they went off.
My heart filled with joy and I slept. I'm still sad and lonely but I know he's got her.

Professor Chaos –

I am going to admit, first and foremost, that there is no way I’m going to get through writing this without a bare minimum of twelve tissues. I’ve been a crying wreck since yesterday. An absolute crying disaster because I do not cry prettily, I’m not a dainty sniffler. I’m not a dew eyed waif gently dabbing at the corner of her eye as she sighs. No, I’m a wracking sobber who blows out gobs of snot and has red eyes swollen shut. I blast my emotions on high volume normally and with grief I ratchet that bitch up to a 100.

Professor Chaos is dying. Okay you melodramatic asses, everyone is dying and we have been doing so since we first drew breath from our mother’s womb. I mean she is dying of a disease. She was diagnosed yesterday with Feline Infectious Peritonitis. It’s a coronary virus that is surprisingly common but is not commonly active. There are two forms, wet and dry. Wet has a shelf life of about 3-5 days when it becomes “active” because it involves an effusion of fluid in the abdomen and chest cavity. Essentially the cat cannot breathe and smothers.

In the dry form the cat has a host of other symptoms and will eventually develop the wet form or will develop neurologic problems. It can take time though. Once diagnosed, the disease may progress between weeks or it may take a year since the symptoms are quite vague. The waiting game is horrible.

I hate the waiting game. I hate that I love this cat so much. I hate that I have to be the one to force food down her every night and that she looks at me as the bad guy for forcing medicine into her. I don’t get to be the cuddle one. I have to clean her face up from the nutritional paste and try not to think about how much I’m going to miss her.

I want to delete every single picture of her and pretend that I hate her. I want to look at my bank account and get mad at all the vet bills and think about how expensive all these treatments and visits are and how it is impacting our lives. I want to hate her. I want her to turn up her nose at me and go to Dave for petting. I don’t want to see how cute she is and I don’t want to feel how much my heart breaks at the thought of her not being on my bed acting like a little Arctic Fox pounding at her toy moving under the covers.

I want to banish every bit of light that kitty ever brought to my life. I want to forget that she is my first kitten that I loved. I hate that she is ripping me apart. I hate that a 6lb kitten has taken my heart and that when she dies, that piece is going to be gone. I hate that. I want to hate her and I can’t and that sucks.

Is this like losing a loved one? No it is not. Losing a pet is incredibly different. It is a different kind of pain. I can see people around me today at work looking at me with this look on their faces. A look that says, “What’s the big deal? It’s just a cat.” No. She is not JUST a cat. She is MY cat. Some people can be pet owners and have a pet. I’m not a pet owner. She is my family, just a furrier member of my family, so yeah…it is a big deal to me.

Will I recover from this? Yes, because that is what we do with life. But I have a long road ahead with lots of sadness. This illness can be brutal. It can be quick or it can be lengthy. All I can do is pray that she never suffers and that I can make sure she is taken care of and pampered.

I wish I could hate her. It would make this easier. But I don’t. I love this little kitty. I love that she is bitchy. I love that she never wakes up pretty. I love that she looks ratchet quite often. I love her. When she is gone I will continue to love her. I don’t know if I’ll ever have another cat. I can’t think of that right now because all of my love is focused on her. So I’ll continue to feed her every night. I’ll wash her face like a momma cat and I’ll give her medicines and bundle her up. And I’ll pray for a miracle.

 

Respect! R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect

 

Hello there kats and kittens it is me, your brave and fearless leader back to let you know that I am alive and well. Well and alive. The birthday month has been progressing quite nicely…okay…so not as nicely as I wished but you can’t have it all.

Today’s topic is Respect. It is one you should know all about if you are above the collective age of 18. I tend to not concentrate much time beneath that age simply due to the fact that it isn’t a very common trait to possess. As you age, you should wear respect like a badge of honor every single day. First the deodorant goes on and then you layer on the respect.

Simple.

 

But wait…you knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, now didn’t you? Respect is a tricky little beast. You give respect but do you get it in return?

My parents, especially my father, really impressed upon me, and my sisters, the fundamental right of respect being given to elders. I still keep that mantra close to my heart. I am not the type of person who insists that respect be earned first. That is simply not how it is done. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear some worthless curmudgeon and slattern insist that: You want my respect…gotta earn it. And I cannot even go into the depths of irritation when I see a teenager actively disrespecting others.

Forget that jazz. That is NOT how it goes. It works on the same premise as a smile. Don’t see a smile on someone else’s face? Then give them yours.

See how easy that was. Yep easy as pie.

But wait… it really doesn’t end there. No, for the bargain price of a few more minutes of your time I am going to let you in on something I have recently learned!

You have to command respect. And you have to do it far more often of people who should readily give it to you but far too often do not. Your friends, and or family, can often be the ones that respect you the least.

I get that the world is crazy and our time is spread thin. We all suffer from time constraints in some way. But I had to recently learn, the very hard way, that I was not being respected. At all. And it was by someone who I loved dearly. I still love her but I had to walk away from a friendship more than a decade long. I couldn’t allow myself to be treated so badly. I was investing time in a friendship that was not being returned and to be honest…it hadn’t been returned, or returned well, in  several years.

But I didn’t respect myself enough to walk away. I kept allowing excuses like: “I’m such a horrible friend”, or the popular, “I suck” to reel me back. It. HURT.

It hurt a LOT. I would call and there would be no return call. (I can call my insurance company and at least they return a call. )

I would text. And it would go days before a response. I am bothered by the no return call but it isn’t as bad as the not replying to a text! Come on…wtf…a text can be read or sent any time of the day!

So I sat down with myself, talked to my sister and realized that respect was missing from my life. Sasha brought up the fact that I, generally, take quite a long time before someone runs out of chances with me. And she is right. I tend to give people I like quite a lot of leeway. But I’m too old to keep doing that. Some things have to be nipped and not receiving respect is the big one that I am no longer ignoring.

I was not being respected and I was not respecting myself enough to walk away.

And so, with a heavy heart and an equally heavy soul, I walked away. I didn’t try one final outreach. I didn’t try one final text. I didn’t try one final message. I just walked away.

 It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It hurt.

And then I realized things really hadn’t changed much because I had been disrespected for so long that the silence meant nothing. Somewhere along the line I had become a last resort of sorts. I was only needed on this person’s time and never on mine. I would get the call and/or text when she needed to talk about something. The only time I was outreached OTHER than that was if she thought there was something wrong in my life like marital problems etc.

Do you know what the real problem was? Respect.

Ask me if I miss her. Yes.

Ask me if I want things back like they were. NO! I can’t and I won’t.

The excuses and the passive aggressive statements? Nah…I’m good.

Let me give YOU some advice. Respect yourself. Respect others. Treat your friends like they matter.

If someone takes the time to call you then you should CALL THEM BACK.

Do not be a douche bag and do NOT ever use the excuse, “I’m a horrible friend/person” because you know what? If you do that then it is a self fulfilling prophecy.

The moral of this story is to wear respect each and every day. Remember that politeness, charm and respect are all wonderful accessories that make you stand out among the crowd. Wear them proudly!