When the Lights Turn Low

I am sitting here just contemplating. I have some major decisions I have to make with my life and I'm not jumping into, or out of them without great thought. You see...I used to be very impulsive. If something was wrong I just bailed or got rid of it rather than repair it. There were some gems thrown away along with the trash.

I'm not the same person as I was 20 years ago. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago and I'm not the person I was 1 year ago. Time and perspective change how you view the past but it is patience and understanding that color the future.

I don't know where my life will take me. I've never been one to think too much into the future. That is probably going to bite me in the ass come retirement but with my student loan and credit card debt I'll have to work until 100 anyway. Maybe I'll be one of those people greeters. Nah. I have little patience  with most people.

My thoughts have turned towards my past. Things that went wrong but turned out very right. People from  my past that were so right that became so wrong. I didn't love myself so I couldn't love anyone else. That's my burden to carry. But regardless of how many times I tell myself I would have gone back and changed things...I wouldn't.

For many years I thought I had made a monumental mistake of leaving a few people. I kept trying to imagine what my life would be like had I stayed. It wouldn't be this and I'm glad I didn't have the power to change the past. The past shaped me. It broke me at times but I grew stronger. I became more confident in myself. I learned what I liked and what I didn't like.

I realized tonight that maybe my friend's list needed some clearing. That maybe the people I once loved and used to be great friends with...simply don't need me. I'm a reminder of a bad time in their lives. And I take 60% responsibility with most of those things. Not all but most.

We all change and grow. We all change and wither on the vine at times. But time always pushes us into the future whether we go kicking and screaming or running for joy. Nothing remains the same and that has been life's hardest lesson for me to grasp, and I'm not quite sure that I've entirely grasped that and maybe that is a personal hang up. I tend to like status quo. I don't rock the boat.

That boat needs to sink sometimes. Sometimes people are just toxic to you in one way or another. And that is okay. If you are okay with that then you do you. If you have people that are simply another number on your friend's list then maybe that is okay too. We don't have to talk to each other every single day because  some friends can go weeks and months without talking and then when they chat again it is like no time every passed. I learned that with a woman I absolutely treasure. I learned that with people I talk to very frequently as well. I want to treasure my friends.

But when the lights turn low and I'm feeling melancholy I look at some of the ex's in my life (spouse, friend etc) that may just need to be let go. It isn't that I don't still have a deep love for them, instead it is more of a cleansing. You can only go so long with no response to anything before you realize that the ship sailed many years ago.

I will not lie. I struggle at times and maybe that is a hoarding thing. I've learned to accept that I am a clothing, makeup, shoe and purse hoarder. It's an issue and one that is soooo hard to break that habit. But I also hoard friends. People that really have no use for me and that is okay. Life takes us all in different directions. I have a great pen pal that I realized I hadn't responded back to an email in ten days. We are kinda like that though.

So with the lights low I need to make decisions and meditate. I need to remove myself from the lives of people where I am the toxic one. I am the one that should have been left long in the past. Maybe this is finally learning a new lesson and knowing that time does not change things. Hurts can be forgiven but the memory remains and it becomes toxic.

So to the people I have hurt in the past...I'm sorry. But the only thing I would change is the pain and the emotional upheaval. We wouldn't be the people we are now had those things not happened. Maybe it is a c'est la vie or Que Sera Sera mentality. All I know is that I treasure the good moments in the past and no matter how much I paint the picture in gold it really is just a coat of paint. Maybe life for us would have been fantastic. Maybe it would be lottery winning epic. Or maybe it is just us at a point in life where we start learning the hardest lessons...time moves on and we have to move with them.  We have to embrace new relationships (friendships, romance, work, hobby and all things in between.

The lights are turned low and maybe things could have been different but I LIKE who I am now. And though I have many years of screw ups ahead of me. Though I will hit rock bottom with depression and anxiety many times....at this moment I am okay. I wish you the best even when I know you'll never read this.

A Love Story: Stan and Barbara Wilson

Yesterday I re-posted a picture of my father just weeks before he passed away. It upset my mother and caused her to cry. That broke my heart. I cannot imagine loving someone so much that going on with life is a daily battle. I loved, and still love, my father so incredibly much but no matter how much I love him it will never be at the level of my mother's love for him. So let me tell you about a love story that will never end. (Please bear in mind that my memory is crappy at best and that I'm remembering this as second hand knowledge. I'm sure errors will be made but you'll get the gist of it.)

Once upon a time there was a young girl and a young man. The young girl knew the young man through family and friends. For a long time the young girl and young man were just friends and eventually became best friends. Thus began a love story that would span decades together and a love that will never end.

The young girl and young man had a child. Though times were turbulent between them, they reunited and married. The child got to be at her parent's wedding and she was so cute. They were young and faced an uphill battle. It was a small town and the couple struggled to make ends meet. But love led to the birth of another beautiful child. Though the baby was blonde, they loved her just as much.

In order to save money, the new family moved into the tiniest home imaginable. So tiny that it didn't have a bathroom and everyone had to go to the outhouse in the back. But the pictures showed a happy family.

Eventually the couple bought a little trailer and before long another child was born. Though the two oldest siblings were told that their mom and dad would be bringing home a monkey...they still loved the beautiful addition. Even though she was clearly not a monkey and there were some hurt feelings over this, they had a new baby sister and the happy family was complete.

Times were still hard but the couple worked together. Thru good times and bad the couple were always there for each other. Decades passed and nothing separated the two. Life tested them and still they rose to meet those challenges. Their vow "through sickness and health" was tested and still their love never diminished.

Fast forward decades and they were no longer young but still in love. That young man and young woman aged and were given grandchildren. Those grandchildren were deeply loved and appreciated. The love they felt for each other, and their children and grandchildren, never diminished. Though other beloved family members passed on, they were there for each other.

As time passed the man grew sick but still their love held them together. The woman never faltered in protecting him and encouraging him to keep going on and to reach for health. But as life sometimes does, it didn't listen to their love and the man grew sicker and sicker. Nothing could be done and one morning the man did not awaken. He had passed on from this life. The woman was devastated. Her one true love had gone onto the next adventure without her and she didn't know if she had the strength to go on.

Years began to pass and still the grief was just as raw. The children often found themselves crying over saved voicemail messages, Facebook posts and picture but no matter how much they loved and desperately missed the man...it did not compare to the grief and the broken heart of the woman.

Time has no meaning when there is a love that never dies. The woman knew that one day she would be reunited with the man whom she had loved. She cries at night for her loss and there are no words or condolences that take that pain away. But one day they will be reunited.


My dad was an incredible person. He loved us greatly. Growing up we knew that he was a fierce protector of his family. If someone offended or hurt mom...God help that person and that included us. We were never allowed to disrespect her or treat her badly. He had the hard job, though, as the disciplinarian. There were a lot of times when we would here, "Wait 'till we get home and your father hears about this." Those words would send terror shooting through us.We may have tested his patience but he remained the rock and the protector.

In fourth grade a teacher humiliated and hurt me in front of the whole class. I came home crying and my dad went back to the school to do some damage. I got a half-assed apology the next day. My dad gave me my first memorable birthday present (it was from both of them). It was a tote, a small radio and a book about Abraham Lincoln.

Dad never refused us anything if he was able to do it. The one exception was that he wasn't going to help us move again. I can now see that and don't blame him. We might have been gypsies. Okay so maybe it was more me being a gypsy.

On November 8th, we will have been separated from our father, and mom's love, for 5 years. I'll be honest...I hate this time of year. There are too many losses that have occurred. And even though it has been 5 years, I sit here crying as I write this. My sisters and my mom would probably give anything to just sit with him again. I'd take even 5 minutes.

My dad loved us kids equally with no one of us being loved more. We all tried his patience at times but he never stopped loving us and showing us that love. We each had an incredible, but sometimes different, connection with him. But no one loved him more than my mom. I saw pain when my Papa died and my Granny was left without him. She crumbled and I decided, then and there, that I would never let someone into my heart in that way. I never wanted to love someone so much that their death would make me falter.

I don't know how my mom does it and there is not one of us that can understand her pain because that pain is unique to each person. As much as I grieve I know that my mom grieves far more and far deeper. When I find myself irritated at my mom, I know that my dad would be disappointed, and pissed, if I hurt her. I remember that they loved each other with the power of a thousand suns.

One day they will be reunited. A love story like theirs doesn't fade and nothing can stop it. My sisters' and my love for my dad will never fade as well. And even though there were hard times in the past, hurt feelings or struggles...we should concentrate on the good. The joy that one man brought to so many people.

The only way I can end this story is with this...I love you dad and I love you mom. That will never change.

The Devil You Face...Every Single Day

This is not a happy go-lucky blog. It isn't one gushing about how great the summer has been and how I'm feeling so good with myself. This is a blog about how things started to go downhill really hard and the time that has passed since I broke a promise to myself.

It started back in 1976. I'm not kidding. All this really started back on the day of my birth. Well technically that is not true. It happened at my conception in 1975. I am the combination of two incredible sets of DNA provided, of course, by my mother and my father. It was a wonderful creation because I came out of it!

During my development, physically, there was also development about certain genetic traits that were not understood back then. Many people then, and some still now, believed that depression and mental illness (I hate that term. Mental illness. Is the mind really sick?) isn't genetically passed down but science, physical and psychological, have proven this to not be true. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder etc are all things that can be passed down from one generation to the next and so on. Are you going to be bipolar because your mother/father/relative suffers from this illness? You may have the genetic code for this but you deal with it in a different manner so it does not impact you in the same way that it may impact others. This could be that you are surrounded by positive reinforcement that keeps those shadows at bay whereas another person is affected negatively and can't develop those reinforcements or they simply can't hold it off for long.

Your mind is a phenomenal machine. It never stops working and in my case, it kept the depression and anxiety constantly circulating. The mind tells you enough times that you aren't good enough, you will never accomplish anything or simply holds emotions away from you and eventually your own mind will break you.  Think of it in terms of your body being an airplane with the mind as the pilot. Oops someone in first class fell down and spilled some wine, the pilot says "fuck it all" and decides to crash the plane. Nothing else is wrong but the pilot feels that it has had enough and can't go on. Not realizing that the wine can be cleaned up. That there is nothing wrong with the plane and that the journey can continue but the pilot doesn't see it that it can go on. All the pilot can think about is that spilled wine and how everything is crashing around it. 

The truth is that with depression comes a lot of spills and the brain makes those spills often a lot worse than they are. For those that do not suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar or any number of psychological issues, this is a foreign concept. They may be appalled that anyone can think death is the answer. Logically on a good day I agree. I know the damage it does because I have seen it in my own family. I know the fallout. You may recognize and KNOW that on one day but on another day your mind hides that from you. It makes excuses and the lies it tells itself to keep fueling that illness.

So back to that broken promise. In 2015 I was going through a really rough cycle and reached rock bottom. I decided that when all things were right and my tasks done, then I could finally say good-bye. I gave myself one year and promised myself that in July of 2016 I would commit suicide. Why 2016? It would happen after my youngest daughter graduated from High School. I thought she would be in a place where she could understand it and would not be affected. Same for my oldest daughter. They would no longer need me.

My depression lasted a really long time before cycling out. And it really never truly "cycled out." I began to just live day by day. But I never stopped thinking about the coming date. 

During this time I also found out I had IIH. IIH is Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension. Another name for it is Pseudo Tumor Cerebri. And it acts just like the name. Your brain thinks it has a tumor pressing into it. What actually happens is that your body produces too much cerebral spinal fluid and it can not drain it off. It builds in your skull and compresses it. To say it hurts is horribly understatement. I was going through weeks and weeks of level 9 migraines. I could barely hear at times for the tinnitus. My vision was if you were trying to peer through a black screen door. Nothing was clear.

Work was horrendous as well. I left my company and went to a job I thought I was going to excel within but that good old friend depression, combined with massive pain, sabotaged me. It is a common theme with me and I hate it. I self-sabotage and really fuck things up. Looking back at my life I can see where I did that a LOT. But I broke that promise.

The new job happened around the time of my promise. That date I had scheduled the year prior. I was still lonely. I still missed my friends and family but I had a new focus. I kept pushing the promise date out further and further. Then the self sabotage hit. I failed at my job. Leaving there was rough. I was suddenly facing the holidays and the pain, depression and feeling like a failure kicked my depression and anxiety up to level 10's. That meant having to find new dosages of medicines. I still kept pushing that date out though. I wasn't going to end it at during that time of year but the fall from October to December is ALWAYS a low time for me. It's been that way for about 27 years. It started at 15 or so and then my dad died. My grandmother died and that year my aunt died. All close together.

I could have used my downtime to write and work on my 2nd book, or edit the first one but I couldn't focus enough to do that. Instead I started drawing. I'd draw flowers. Making a garden of blooms in a time of decay. They may have been paper but they made me happy. Sharing them with others made me happier. 

Fast forward to today. I've sabotaged myself a few more times and I currently feel overwhelmed but I'm not pushing my promise out day by day any longer. For now that date will remain a broken promise and I'll move on with my life. I'll use personal development tools to keep me on point. I am not delusional though. I know the depression (regardless of the tons of medicines I take) will still be with me but as long as I acknowledge it, rather than try to hide it, it can't take me. 

That pilot isn't going to crash me today or tomorrow. The pilot doesn't have a landing date yet and the engines are still good to go. There is some gas in the tank and I know that spilled wine doesn't mean you have to toss out the whole plane. Will I ever get past the suicide line into all is peachy and dandy? Yeah some days will be good. Some will be bad. 

I will keep fighting that fight. That is how people cope with depression. They find things that make them want to fight. And I want any of you to know that I get it. I'm here for you at any time on any day. I will help you fight it. It may be a long conversation due to distance but I'm still here. I know that for me, I have to start finding activities that take me out of my isolation. Whenever I keep isolating myself is when the depression kicks in the hardest.

Deciding to write this down wasn't easy. I don't know how it will go over but I do want my family and friends to know that I'm not hiding these things. I refuse to let it silently crash my plane and it also lets them know that having depression, especially in my family, is always watching. We band together, be vigilant and know that we have each other no matter what. 

Letter to My Daughters: The Next Phase

Dear daughters,

Once, long ago, I wrote a letter to you explaining why I was not your friend. Today I write you as a Mother and a friend. You've both come so far and have accomplished so many things but those are just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. Soon you will go onto the next phase of your life. I'll always be in your life, hopefully, but a lot of what comes next will fall squarely onto your shoulders.

I'll never stop giving you advice, and you'll take some hopefully and leave some, and I'll never stop loving you. Even when you make it difficult, there is nothing you can ever do that would stop that love and the need to protect you. But now is the time for that protection to step back and let you live your lives.

You are going to fall.

Life is going to throw a LOT at you and sometimes it is all at once. Life trips us up. We are power walking down the sidewalk of life and we hit a bump. We stumble a little bit but keep on going. But there are going to be times when you hit a hole and you fall down. You are going to fall and at times it is going to feel as if the world is out to get you, or that you'll never move past it. You will. It isn't about how many times we fall, instead it is how many times you stand back up. You may have to stagger to your knees at first but you will stand. And it is how you stand that will make all of the difference. Always stand with purpose and integrity. Those are the two things that come free in life. Use them often. And when you fall and need a helping hand...I'll be there. I may be screaming from the sidelines but I'll be there.

You are going to Love, Lose, Cry and Hate

Love is a very strange thing and it can make fools of us all. Don't pattern your love life after mine. I wasn't smart or independent as much as I should've and that's okay. I'm still a work in progress. The same thing should apply to you at every stage of your life. Love with all your heart but know that love can make it fragile. It can crack. It can shatter but it can always be put back together. Your heart is much like a sword. It has to be tempered. It will have to be made stronger and you can do it.

You are going to lose people in your life and no matter who it is, it is going to hurt. Losing people to death is one of the hardest things to cope with in your life. You're heart doesn't heal from it completely. You bear that scar for the rest of your life and while the scar sometimes stops throbbing, it is always there for YOU to see.

You are going to lose friends and significant others. They are going to come into your life and then leave. It may be a relationship or a friendship. There is a reason for everyone you let into your life and never be afraid of letting others in because your heart will always grow large enough to love them all. But be careful. There are always going to be users in the world that are not happy unless you are unhappy. Don't let them steal your sunshine or your thunder. It is okay to hold friend's accountable. At the same time you need to be a good friend. Being a good friend is hard sometimes because you may have to say or do something that is unpopular but that's okay. Staying true is what guides you and is what a healthy friendship/relationship is all about.

When your relationships end, and there are going to be some, you may experience anger. You may have been done so very wrong. Your heart is going to hurt. Your brain is going to have you confused and your emotions are going to veer into the hatred zone. When you find yourself being pulled down with hatred, I want you to stop. You don't have to hate anyone. If that person ended your relationship through whatever deeds or words, that is on them. NOT YOU. You can only control your own actions. Hate is a wasteful emotion and it makes us unbalanced. Let the anger and hate go.

And we come to the advice portion of this letter. I'm your mom and I'm now beginning the process of being your friend. And I'll never stop. I also won't lie to you to spare you being upset with me when I want to tell you something honestly. Please know that I come from a good place and may have experience in that area that you have not gained. There are also going to be many times when you do not want my advice, my advice isn't needed and times when I don't understand the situation and the advice isn't helpful.

I'll always be your ear though. I'll be here to listen as you work out problems on your own. I'll be with you in spirit no matter where you go in life and will always try to be there physically when you need me most. When you go on to creating your own family, I will still always be your Mother and will always want a part of your life.

You each have so much ahead of you and will be going places, doing things and learning things that I have not. With you lies the very best of me and sometimes the worst. How you live your life is going to be up to you. Lead the way for others and always be a light that shines through the darkest times.

Love,

Your Mother.

Farewell to 2016!

What a year! What a freaking year! 2016 will go down as one of the most memorable years for many people, myself included.

Surprisingly the one event I thought would wreck me was turning 40, and it passed okay. Up to the day I was pretty bummed out but once it was here, and I quietly accepted it, it wasn't so bad. In fact I'm happy with 40. I will admit that it still hits me that I'm this old but I realized that I'm so much better now than 39. Each year I think I get better. I feel more seasoned and I unlock more secrets to life that keep me sane.

I'm also at peace with myself. I took a look back over the years, and while there are lots of regrets, I've accepted that it is time to move forward and learn from those mistakes. They still pop up in my mind but I'm okay with them. I can't change them but I can let them rest.

This year has been in turmoil and I've never seen a country so divided. Yes, there are more episodes in history that are far, far greater but this is the first time in my life. I witnessed many historical events from the safety of my couch. I am witnessing a country so divided that we can not even have calm, rational debates. I am witnessing more acts of violence, racism, sexism and division and I don't know how they started or how to overcome them. I am seeing a lot of ugliness over an important election and feel so polarized that it is hard to see things from a different perspective.

What I am frightened most over is a loss of respect. People being hateful and attacking others simply based on political party affiliations. Most elections in the past, at least for me, was a vigorous debate and then acceptance with whomever lost and the knowledge that the couldn't fuck it up too badly. That changed this year when I realized a candidate embraced almost every single trait and running platform that I could not even be reasonable in my dislike over. A man so stupid that he has already broken most of his promises to his own followers and is choosing his advisers that are unfit for the job...may be unfit for any job on the planet that involves the livelihood of anyone.

This was not a good health year. In January I was diagnosed with IIH (Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension), or also known as Pseudotumor Cerebri. I thought it was typical migraine and vision disturbances. In fact the only way I learned this was through a routine eye examination late December 2015. They thought they saw a mass on my optic nerve. I found out that I had lost a portion of my vision. It was scary and since then I have battled numerous neurologists and optic nerve specialists. It wore me down and I wanted to give up at times. Now I have a new neurologist and neurosurgeon who believe in treatment. Next Wednesday, December 28th I'll have surgery. The neurosurgeon will be putting in a shunt through my skull into my brain, threading it down through to my ear where a device to monitor pressure will be installed (makes it sound like a car stereo ha!) and then tunneling down into my abdominal cavity. I realized yesterday that I didn't ask what the aftereffects will be and how my recovery time will be affected. Guess I need to do that.

In January (the 10th) I'll be under the knife once again but on the opposite end. :) It's a much needed surgery and one that can happen. So far it is slated to be a simple surgery but it might wind up being a little more in-depth.

I reached out to old friends because I was worried about them. Will we continue talking and maybe eventually become comfortable with each other and build a new friendship...I don't know. But I had to reach out. There was something missing in my life and I had to try. Will it happen? I don't know. Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it take time? Absolutely. And if it is not able to happen then there will not be any hard feelings. I love this person enough to respect her decision but also know that we are two individuals that have a stubborn streak a mile long and I know, for myself at least, that I'm a baby out with the bathtub kind of person. But I miss this person and I miss her insights and her support. I miss being a part of something dynamic but also know that venturing forward, if it happens, will be something entirely different. To quote a song: Que Sera Sera

I reached out to another friend and started talking with her again. I had stopped talking with her after a big bruhaha involving parents. And I missed her crazy ass. She is definitely interesting and I wanted to be a part of that craziness again. She is another past friend that pushed me to finishing things and supported me.

What a year! It's been a tough one but I've never wanted to see a year in the rear view mirror quite as badly as this one. Let's hope that 2017 is far better!

Oh...and my mom remarried. Weird being 40 and gaining a step-father. I see how kids have it when there is a new love involving a parent.

So let's toast and ring in the next 365 days. Hopefully it cannot be worse!

Later Kats and Kittens

This Little Thing Called Life

It has been a while my Kats and Kittens. I've been working on my other blog Every Day Beauty - Be the Beauty in the Mirror. If you haven't seen it, check it out.

This is the type of article that is not for that one though.

A year or so ago I reached out to a former friend to find resolution to ending our friendship abruptly. I had walked away almost 6 months or so ago prior, putting myself first. Then after a lot of  internal strife, I reached out to explain why and to let myself get closure.

The conversation was civil, I had no intention of delving back in, and we parted ways. It was cathartic.

When it comes to ending things, I tend to ghost. I check out before thoughtfully reaching out and reviewing my choice logically and without emotion factoring in and let me tell you, that is the hardest thing anyone can do. We, as a species, rely on emotion to color a situation. Some use it wisely and some not so wisely.

The ending of that friendship was devastating to me in ways I did not see at the time but have come home since. I can't count the number of times I have had something arise and my first instinct was to talk to her. But I knew that would never happen. It still surprised in each time it did.

I sometimes wonder how she is and I realize where we both took wrong turns. I think about our plans to retire on the beach together with all of our pets. When I see anything Steel Magnolia, I'm reminded that I had always planned on being Weezer.

This sounds incredibly maudlin, doesn't it? It shouldn't be because this is fond remembrance. We had many, many talks that lasted hours. We were always just a text away. And then distance, ego and sheer hardheadedness popped up.

So why, now, am I posting this?

To tell you how a decision that seemed so "right" at that time is not always the "right" thing to do. Sometimes emotion needs to be addressed and compromises given. That comes from the Leadership course I have been taking through University of Michigan. It has opened up my eyes to many things a leader should do.

A leader has to be impartial but also vested. A leader needs to know her reservation price and the BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) and what should be revealed and what should not. You have to know how to bring people together to achieve greatness both within the group and within yourself.

Just plug in friendship to all of the "leader" pronouns.

In the end, and what I hope you take from this is that nothing is as it seems. You have to be patient, logical but also allow yourself room for negotiation. Life is all about negotiation. A year ago I knew that I could never resume, and renew, that friendship. Today I know that while it couldn't be renewed, it could be started over. There doesn't always need to be an ending. Maybe it was a pause. Maybe the  issue was stuck and it needed to be turned off and then back on. I don't know. All I do know is that there will always be times I want to tell her something and then pause and frown and then go on.

We would have had an anniversary this year. 12 years of almost daily communication. Happy Cingular Day to you Kat, and I'm always just a phone, text or email away.

This is 40?

This is 40?

Technically I have 1 day to go but who’s counting right? Heaven knows I’m not. It’s not like it isn’t like it is 17 hours and 54 minutes. 40 is just a number. It’s just a number.

Why do people say that? 18 was just a number but we celebrate it. It is the entrance into adulthood. You get to vote. You become responsible for your own actions legally. 21 is just a number but it’s the number on your license that allows you into bars and allows you to purchase those taste libations that make the end of the day so much sweeter.

When you look down at the scale and see your weight, those are just numbers, right? Yet society places a huge (ignore the pun) emphasis on that number. In fact your worth as a person can blindly be judged by that number.

How many sexual partners you’ve acquired over the years is just a number. The number of marriages/divorces and relationships are all just numbers. The numbers of offspring are all just numbers but society keeps track. And all of them are held accountable and we are measured against them. Yet when a woman bemoans turning 40, everyone says, “It’s just a number.”

I had to handwrite this blog out first yesterday because I have to limit the time I stare at a computer screen. My eyesight sucks and it hurts. IIH is definitely taking a toll on my body. It’s rare and as such you have to be your own advocate and educate doctors who may not know about the disorder. I absolutely hate that it has slowed me down. It’s a pain in the ass. Not literally, because the pain is behind the eyes and in my head. Ha! I kill me.

Life throws a lot of curve ball and at times it seems as if I’ve left my bat in the dugout. I get tagged over and over. I’m not going to lie. In recent months I’ve gotten low. Really low. Probably lower than I have ever been and that old familiar demon has reared its ugly head and drags me under. Each day it is a struggle to break the surface and paste on a smile. I find myself cocooned in solitude and I have no one but that insidious being. The people I want and need the most are thousands of miles away and I reach for the phone but stop because I feel like a burden.

That’s how depression drowns people. The anxiety side makes you fearful of reaching out. You worry about EVERYTHING. No matter how inconsequential it might seem to someone else, anxiety blows it up. The absolute worst thing to say someone with anxiety would be, “Calm down, it is no big deal.” It is always a big deal. Every hushed conversation is about us and it is always negative. Every shut door is about us and it is about how bad we are at something.

But c’est la vie. That is life. Que sera sera.  At the end of the day we all have our own demons. We are all fighting our own battles. All we have is our wits and each other to cling to and support.

So as that clock ticks closer to 40 I’ll have moments of despair where I evaluate my position on the field of life. I’ll take stock of everything I’ve been through and where the next 50 years will take me and at the end of the day I can say this with all certainty. I love myself much more now than I did at 18, 21 or even 30.

I like who I am. I have a lot of scars, inside and outside, that tell stories of what I have been through. All the lessons I’ve learned over 40 years reside within me and some have actually stuck and I have remembered them so as to not repeat them. I’m kind. I’m funny. I’m very empathetic. I’m smart and witty. I’m beautiful inside and out.

Yeah that number on the scale needs to creep downward alongside with the number on the tape measure around my waist but it, like my mind, is always a work in progress.

The number of friends in my life may be less this year but the ones in it are the ones that I know are meant to be. They are the ones that have been there through thick and thin and are worth their weight in gold. So welcome 40. Let’s see what adventures await us!